Transcript Assertiveness - University of Maryland, College Park

Confident
Communication:
Being Direct, Honest
and Self-Assured in
Graduate School
Noah M. Collins, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist
University of Maryland
Counseling Center
[email protected]
What is Assertiveness?
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A communication style
Ability to express your feelings, thoughts,
beliefs, and opinions openly in a way that
respects those of others
So it involves being direct, honest, and
respecting both self and others
Its goals include effective communication
and negotiation, mutually satisfactory
compromise, win-win outcomes, maintaining
the relationship where possible
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Not just getting what you want
A tool you can develop and use when you
choose
Assertive v. Passive v. Aggressive
Passive vs. Assertive vs. Aggressive
Communication Styles are
Learned
 We are born assertive
 Early experiences and
models shape how
we tend to communicate
 How was conflict dealt with in your family
and early relationships?
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Yelling, closed doors, silent treatment, blaming,
avoid conflict and negative emotions, give in,
etc.
 Family
roles: mediator, buffer, emotion
expresser, etc.
 Families do the best they can and we
need to fit in with them, but as an adult
you can adjust your communication
patterns
Cultural Factors
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Culture also plays a big role in communication
styles
Each culture has its own mores, values, and norms
about how conflict is handled
And we are socialized into our culture
What are the rules you have learned in your
culture?
How do they impact assertiveness and what it
looks like?
Experience with more than one culture? What are
the differences you have noticed regarding
conflict management and assertiveness?
Assertiveness
Techniques/Strategies
 When
you…I feel…I would like
 I-statements
 Broken record
 Acknowledgement, validation, gratitude
 Be proactive
 Strike when the iron is cold
 Prioritize and Consult
When you…I feel…I would like
 When
you (describe the person’s
behavior)
 I feel (state your emotion)
 I would like (state alternative behavior)
 Be specific when talking about behaviors
 Avoids argument about right and wrong
 Sharing the emotional impact of a
behavior on you is more effective than
trying to prove the behavior is wrong
I-Statements
 An
example is, “I feel…” or “I would like…”
 Prevents using “You…” which may lead to
attacking the other person.
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You make me angry, You are the reason
I’m not making more progress
 Owns
your experience. Takes
responsibility for your reactions, your
emotions, and your needs
 Its not all on them
Broken Record
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Take a phrase that clearly encompasses what you
want to communicate. For example:
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Given the amount on my plate, I don’t think I can
meet this deadline
I am very concerned about my stress level and
want to work on changing something to reduce it
Repeat it; allow yourself to go back to this phrase
whenever you feel unheard or if the conversation
seems to leave it behind
Can be helpful if you find that you get flustered
and your brain stops working
Just have to remember one thing
Acknowledgement, Validation,
Gratitude
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Think of something you appreciate
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Use some sugar, but only if genuine
Validate their experience
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something they have done to make things better
Some relevant positive feedback
A instance where they were nice instead of a jerk
I realize it must be frustrating that…
I know what you really want is…
Listen to and paraphrase the things they are trying
to communicate to you
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Listening is a powerful assertiveness tool
Be Proactive &
Strike When the Iron is Cold
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These both involve timing
It is easy to avoid addressing your needs
when it is not yet a crisis
But don’t wait until you/they are upset
Try to be aware of signs that something is
bothering you
Avoid intervening when you are particularly
angry or upset
Validate your own expereince and use selfcare when upset, and then speak to the
person later
Prioritize and Consult
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Rank your needs by how important they are
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Is this need essential, important, desirable?
This can give you a sense of how hard you
should push and how much to negotiate
When unsure, talk to someone else you trust;
get another pair of eyeballs on it
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Ideal if they know about the context/situation
Can practice, even role play with them
Practice, but start easy…
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You can practice first with safe friends,
colleagues, partners, and family.
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Look for opportunities in low-stakes situations
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What are some doable opinions/wants/feelings
that you would like to try to communicate?
Maybe even let them know you are practicing
Stores, restaurants, etc.
Try to make success probable when you’re
first starting out
Managing Your Advisor/Faculty
 Think
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about who they are
How do they like to work
Personality, quirks
Communication style
What makes them happy, impressed
 Not who you think they should
 How can you work best with a
be
person
like that
 Think about what is doable by you to
make this relationship go well
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Don’t do what isn’t doable or unjust, but do
what is doable
Vignettes and Role Plays
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In a lab meeting with your advisor a peer doesn’t
mention your contributions to a project you did
together
Your advisor asks you to take on a large task that
will mostly benefit your advisor and you don’t feel
you have enough time to participate
You are waiting for your advisor to get back to you
with information and/or feedback you need to
make progress on your thesis and you are getting
concerned that the delay will affect the time
table you both set up previously.
Situations from your life?
Questions and Discussion