Transcript Exercise 27
(Worse) Modification of environmental technologies transferred from abroad for the local industrial sector is performed by the research institute. (Better) The research institute modifies environmental technology transferred from abroad for the local industrial sector. Switching from passive voice to active voice makes this sentence more direct, concise and persuasive. (Worse) Accurate prediction of the boundary parameters by mathematicians is of heavy emphasis. (Better) The mathematicians heavily emphasize accurately predicting the boundary parameters. Like in the previous sentence, using passive voice makes the sentence wordy or indecisive. However, active voice makes the sentence more direct and clear. (Worse) An outline of how to install the software program is made in the following section. (Better 1) The following section outlines how to install the software program. (Better 2) The following section outlines the installation of the software program. Using a verb instead of a noun simplifies this sentence. Avoid sentences that contain phrase like is made, is done, is performed, is conducted, is undertaken and is achieve. Such phrases often make the sentence unnecessarily long. Consider the following examples: (Original) Simulation of the program is done. (Revised) The program is simulated. (Original) Implementation of the program is performed. (Revised) The program is implemented. (Original) Optimization of the output is achieved. (Revised) The output is optimized. (Worse) A more thorough description of the environmental impact on the ozone layer was made by Smith (1985). (Better) Smith (1985) more thoroughly described the environmental impact on the ozone layer. (Worse) Contributing factors to rainforest depletion include overpopulation. (Better) Overpopulation contributes to rainforest depletion. A writer should use strong verbs that imply a precise action. In this case, contributes implies a more precise action than include. Avoid overusing verbs like make, come, take, is, are, was, and were which often have a general meaning rather than a precise one. Consider the following examples: (Original) (Unclear action) The purpose of this study is to understand the underlying factors. (Revised) (Clear action) The study attempts (aims) to understand the underlying factors . (Original) (Unclear action) The committee made a decision on what to do next. (Revised) (Clear action) The committee decide what to do next. (Worse) Awareness of external factors that contribute to industrial pollution must be known by the urban planner. (Better) The urban planner must be aware of external factors that contribute to industrial pollution. (Worse) No significant variation between the two temperatures occurred. (Better) The two temperatures did not significantly vary. (Worse) It is impossible to forecast all potential workplace hazards. (Better) All potential workplace hazards can not be forecasted. Writers should try to avoid sentence start with It and There to save space and to achieve a greater emphasis. Consider the following examples: (Original) There are many programs available in Taiwan. (Revised) Many programs are available in Taiwan. (Original) It is possible to create many designs with software. (Revised) Many designs can be created with software. (Worse) There is no need for the assessment of the production capacity of the factory floor to be undertaken by the foreman. (Better) The foreman does not need to assess the production capacity of the factory floor. In this revised sentence, not only does the writer avoid the There is sentence opener but also turns a noun (assessment) into a verb (assess), thus shortening the sentence. (Worse) Carpooling can be arranged by means of a designated driver if conditions are such that commuters to the same workplace live in close proximity to each other. (Better) Carpooling can be arranged by designated driver if commuters to the same workplace live near each other. The writer should try to avoid needless and redundant words and phrases that only make the sentence lengthy. Replacing if conditions are such that with if and in close proximity with near greatly simplifies the sentence. (Worse) A definite decision about future plans should not be made until a major breakthrough in product development occurs. (Better 1) A decision about plans should not be made until a breakthrough in product development occurs. (Better 2) Plans should not be made until a breakthrough in product development occurs. Another form of redundancy is putting two words together that have the same meaning. Since definite implies something that is a decision, future, implies plans, and major implies a breakthrough, the writer can easily cut this phrase in half by simply saying decision, plans and breakthrough. (Worse) It is well known that telecommunications technologies happen to be expanding rapidly for the purpose of satisfying the growing consumer demand. (Better) Telecommunications technologies are expanding rapidly to satisfy the growing consumer demand.