Transcript Assertiveness [1]

Assertiveness
The Power to Get What You Want
and Express What You Have
Four Types of Communication:
Assertive
Passive or Non-Assertive
Aggressive
Passive-Aggressive
1. Assertive Communication
Standing up for your rights without
infringing on the rights of others.
Results in an “I win; you win” outcome.
Involves expressing beliefs, feelings, and
preferences in a way which is direct, honest,
appropriate and shows a high degree of
respect for yourself and others.
Examples of assertive communication:
“When you talk, I can’t hear the movie. Please
keep it down.”
“I really like it when you wear that shirt. You
look great!”
“When you yell at me, I feel angry. Please
stop shouting and tell me what you want.”
“I know it’s a good cause, but I can’t help you
this time because I need to study.”
Meet “April Assertive”
“I’m
ok and you’re ok, too!”
Has personal power and shares power easily.
Chooses for herself and supports others in their own
decisions.
Receives respect, support, acceptance from others.
Is playful; has a good sense of humor.
Takes calculated risks.
Gains self-respect, responsibility, integrity, freedom,
intimacy.
2. Passive Communication
When a person gives up his/her own rights
and (directly or indirectly) defers to the
rights of another person.
Results in an “I lose; you win” outcome.
Violates your own rights through inaction
or by failing to express your thoughts,
feelings, or desires.
Examples of Passive Communication:
“We
can do whatever you want.
Your ideas are probably better.”
Common Causes of
Passive Behavior
Fear of displeasing others
Fear of rejection and retaliation
Afraid of hurting someone’s feelings
Reluctance to give up the hidden benefits of
non-assertion (maintain contact with people
even when they use you; to keep up a certain
image--appear always agreeable)
Lack of assertive skills or information
Meet “Donald Doormat”
“I’m not ok.”
Feels helpless, turns power
over to others.
Let’s others choose for him.
Receives guilt, anger, frustration,
lack of respect, abuse from others.
Fearful, withdraws, does not stand up
for his convictions, not a risk-taker.
Loses freedom and self-respect.
Gains attention, sympathy, protection at
high cost.
3. Aggressive Communication:
When someone stands up for their own
rights without regard for the rights of others.
Results in an “I win, you lose” outcome.
Self-expression which demands, attacks, or
humiliates other people, generally in a way
which shows lack of respect for others.
Examples of Aggressive Communication:
“Hey, I’m in a hurry. Get out of my way!”
“I said I’d do it, didn’t I? Now, shut up about it!”
A Common Cause
of Aggressive Behavior:
Often the underlying cause of aggressive
behavior is fear-- feeling vulnerable, unsafe, or
powerless in a threatening situation.
Beliefs that increase aggression:
“If I don’t come on strong, I won’t be listened to.”
“The world is hostile and I must be aggressive in
order to succeed.”
“To compromise is to lose.”
“Aggression is the only way to get through to
some people.”
“I must get my way!”
The Hidden Benefits
of Aggression:
 It gets attention.
 Aggressive behavior creates a sense of power.
 Allows a person to let off steam without regard
for other people.
 Allows a person to see him/herself as allknowing and all-powerful.
Meet “Agatha Aggressive”
“You’re not ok!”
Substitutes control & domination for
power.
Chooses for others whether they like it
or not.
Receives fear & defensiveness from
others.
Uses sarcasm and put-downs; can’t
laugh at herself.
Attacks & blames others; takes unwise
risks.
Gains control over people & situations.
Loses love, friendship, & teamwork.
4. Passive-Aggressive Communication:
When someone acts out aggressive
impulses in an indirect way.
An attempt to get what you want or need
indirectly or by manipulating others.
An indirect attempt to control or punish
others.
Examples of
Passive-Aggressive Communication:
 “I’m sorry I’m so late. I didn’t realize that
this was such a big deal.”
 (sigh)“Oh, don’t bother, I’ll just do it
myself.”
Meet “Izzy Indirect”
“You’re not ok, but I’ll let you think you are!”
Uses manipulation & deceit to gain
control.
Is sneaky or deceitful in choosing for
others.
Receives suspicion, confusion, and
frustration from others.
Uses trickery and plays “games”.
Is sometimes seen as cute and clever,
has fun playing games.
Loses his identity and respect; is not
trusted once his dishonesty is
discovered; burns out easily.
Passive
Assertive
The “Four Corners” Exercise
Passive-Aggressive
Aggressive
Principles of an
Assertive Philosophy:
By standing up for ourselves and letting
ourselves be known to others, we gain selfrespect and respect from others.
 We try to live in such a way that we never
intentionally hurt anyone.
When we honestly share ourselves in direct
and appropriate ways, everyone benefits.
By denying our own feelings, we sacrifice our
personal integrity and damage our relationships.
Likewise, our relationships are hurt when we try to
control others through hostility, intimidation, or
guilt.
Personal relationships are more authentic and
satisfying when we are honest with each other.
When we frequently sacrifice our rights, we teach
other people to take advantage of us.
Your Basic Assertive Rights
The right to be treated with respect.
The right to say no and not feel guilty.
The right to experience and express your
feelings.
The right to take time to slow down and
think before you act.
The right to change your mind.
The right to ask for what you want.
The right to do less than you are humanly
capable of doing.
The right to ask for information.
The right to make mistakes.
The right to feel good about yourself.
While exercising your assertive rights,
keep these 3 points in mind . . .
The Impact of
Non-Verbal Communication
Our non-verbal communication is at least as
important as our words, if not more so.
Assuming an assertive stance bodily can
reinforce our assertive message.
Occasionally, we may confuse others by saying
one thing with our words, but non-verbally
conveying a completely different message.
Passive Non-Verbal Behavior
Speaking softly or with a quivering voice
Using half-hearted gestures (shrugging
shoulders)
Poor eye contact (looking down or glancing
away)
Backs away (the “Shrinking Violet”)
Aggressive Non-Verbal Behavior
Stands close to the person (“in your face”)
Yelling or shouting
Frowning
Glaring
Pointing your finger at the other person
Striking the other person
Assertive Non-Verbal Behavior
Good eye contact (but not staring)
Standing up straight and at an appropriate
social distance
Relaxed, calm
Using a firm tone of voice
Honest expression
Use congruent gestures
Practice Being Assertive
You can become an Assertive
Communicator!