Transcript Developing & Maintaining Healthy Interpersonal Relationships

Effective
Communications Styles:
Learning Outcomes
As a result of this seminar, you will be able to:
1. Understand barriers to effective communication
2. Explore some of the generalizations about men and
women in relationships.
3. Identify your personal withdrawal techniques by
reviewing the “Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers.
4. Develop a better understanding of your partner’s way of
communicating.
5. Identify some of the common “power plays” that are
used by couples in a relationship.
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Learning Outcomes con’t.
6. Understanding some of the “Do’s and Don’ts” of couples
communication
7. Demonstrate empathic listening
8. Construct “I” messages
9. Rate your “People Skills” and identify areas for
improvement
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Explore the reality and the value of marital conflicts
Explore the concept of a “couple’s time out”
Identify some of the “red flags” in relationships
Where to turn when your relationship needs help
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Effective Communications
Barriers to Effective Communication
1. Different ways of viewing world can lead to honest
misunderstandings
2. Expecting other person to be a mind reader
3. Taking other person’s words personally and either
getting defensive or withdrawing
4. Getting stuck in rut – having the same interactions
again and again, nothing ever gets resolved
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What do you see?
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Barriers to Effective Communication con’t.
5. Thinking of response or daydreaming
6. Not understanding different ways men and women
typically view “talking”
7. Ignoring importance of non-verbal communication
8. Not taking the time to communicate
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Differences between Men and
Women
Women: Understanding How Men
Communicate
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KIS- “Keep It Simple”
Stay on one topic at a time: men think in a linear and
sequential manner
Do not be offended if he does not maintain eye contact
Expect interruptions: this is his way of showing interest in
the topic
Expect distracting behavior: walking around and talking
Men have a strong need to be “right”
Avoid directing a man: instead ask, “have you considered …”
Avoid nodding: to a man it means you agree and not just
that you are listening
Keep a sense of humor
Differences between Men and
Women
Men: Understanding How Women
Communicate
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Women speak twice as many words as a man
Set a time every day to communicate for at least 15 minutes
Try to make direct eye contact
Try to not interrupt
Ask her to stick to one subject at a time
Respect the versatility of the female mind: women tend to
wander and this makes no sense to men
Her “guiding the relationship” is not meant as bossiness:
women tend to be more directing and guiding
If you feel she is nagging, do some self checking: Ask her to
talk with you and not at you with an “I” statement
Keep your sense of humor
Communication
55%--Body
Body language, facial
expressions, hand gestures, use
of space, movements
Word
7%
Voice
38%
38%--Voice
Body
55%
Tone, pitch, rate, volume
07%--Word
Actual words spoken
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“Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers
JUDGING
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AVOIDING THE OTHER
PERSON’S CONCERNS
Criticizing
Name-Calling or Labeling
Diagnosing
Using “Loaded” Words
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SENDING SOLUTIONS
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Ordering
Threatening
Moralizing
Probing or Quizzing
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Advising
Diverting or “Me, Too--ing”
Arguing Logically
Reassuring
Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships
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Listen and understand the individual
Attend to the little things
Keep commitments
Clarify expectations
Show personal integrity
Apologize sincerely when you make a relationship
withdrawal
Establish Win/Win relationships
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Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships con’t.
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Be assertive and use I-messages
Practice effective communication skills.
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Habits of Effective People
Seek first to understand,
then to be understood.
Stephen Covey
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
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Common Power Plays
Giving advice but not accepting it.
Having difficulty reaching out and asking for support and love.
Giving orders: demanding and expecting too much from others.
Being judgmental, PUT-DOWNS, fault finding, persecuting.
Holding out on others; not giving them what they need or want.
Making and then breaking promises.
Smothering or over-nurturing your partner.
Patronizing/condescending behavior/one up and one down.
Making decisions for others.
Putting others in a “no-win” situation.
Attempting to change the other.
Listening
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Ancient Proverb
We have been given two
ears and one mouth.
We should listen twice
as much as we talk!
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Effective Communication
Techniques
Reflective Listening Techniques
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Mirroring: The process of accurately
reflecting back the content of a message
from your partner.
Validating: Let your partner know that the
information being sent make sense.
Empathy: The process of reflecting or
imaging the feelings the sending partner is
experiencing about an event or situation.
“I” messages
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“I” Messages
Describes objectively how you feel.
Focuses on your feelings.
Does not assign blame.
Specific behavior is described.
Non-verbal elements such as tone of voice and
body language are critical.
Requires a non-judgmental attitude.
Can include a state of change and consequence.
“I” Messages
Constructing an “I” message
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Describe the behavior objective.
 When…
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Expresses your feelings about the behavior.
 I feel…
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Describe the effect on you.
 …because…
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Make a statement of change.
 I want you to…
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Statement of consequences.
 If you do/do not … I will...
How do your people
skills rate?
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Are you a Passive, Aggressive,
Aggressive, or Assertive Communicator?
Passive
Their View
I am okay
Victim
Martyr
“You” message
Lose-Win
Typical
Responses
Productive
Responses
Do not know
what they want.
Feel responsible
for their
happiness.
Feel we are
doing their part
too
Ask open-ended
questions.
Do not rescue.
Give feedback
on how their
behavior affects
you.
Encourage them
to communicate
Are you Passive, Aggressive, PassiveAggressive, or Assertive? Cont.
Aggressive
Their View
Typical
Responses
Productive
Reponses
You are not
okay.
Bully
Put Down Artist
“You” message
Win-Lose
Feel hurt,
defensive, or
humiliated.
Become
argumentative
or withdrawn.
Be reality-based
with facts.
Be prepared.
Avoid
confrontation.
Let them vent.
If they verbally
attack you,
stand up for
yourself.
Are you Passive, Aggressive, PassiveAggressive, or Assertive? Cont
Passive Aggressive
Their View Typical
Responses
You are not ok, Confused
but I’ll let you
Frustrated
know you are.
Manipulated
Cunning
Conniving
Hardest to deal
with because
you never know
where you stand
with them
Productive
Responses
Ask for specific
details.
Focus on reality
Take notes.
Try to hear the
real message
and confront
them.
Are you Passive, Aggressive, PassiveAggressive, or Assertive? Cont
Assertive
Their View
I’m ok, you’re
ok
Mutual respect
Mutual benefit
“I” message
Win-Win
Typical
Responses
Confident.
Trustworthy.
Empowered.
Appreciate their
honesty.
Value the
relationship.
Productive
Responses
Establish an
open, honest,
and healthy
relationship by
asserting
yourself.
Assertive Communicators:
Best communication style.
Basis for a healthy interpersonal relationship.
Have a positive reserve in their relationship
bank account.
7 Signs of Communication
Problems:
Helplessness
Anxiety
Hostility
Frustration
Cynicism
Loss of Self-Esteem
Hopelessness
Do’s and Don’ts of
Communication
Don’ts:
Criticize
“Hit below the belt”
Threaten to end the relationship
Just complain
Assume the other person knows what you are thinking
Interrupt
Be sarcastic
Generalize with “always” or “never”
Make vague requests
Be more concerned with winning or being right
Question excessively
Raise your voice or lose emotional control
Do’s and Don’ts of Couple Communication
Do’s
Know each gender’s different ways of communicating
Take time out to think about the problem and clarify your position
Be specific
Be honest
Ask for and give feedback
Discuss one issue at a time
Stay on topic
Try to understand your partner’s position
Consider a compromise
Stick to the present
Retire your score board
Practice effective communication techniques such as “I” statements
and reflective listening
Call a time out when necessary
Marital Conflict
It should not be:
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Hurtful
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Rejecting
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Insulting
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Humiliating
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Manipulating
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About winning and losing
Marital Conflict
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It should be:
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Necessary
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Natural
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Inevitable
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Just a difference in what you and your partner want,
need, or think.
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A sign that your relationship has great potential for
growth.
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An opportunity to try something different.
Time Outs
Partners agree to come back to an issue
after spending time away
You come back together after a period
of time to attempt to settle the
differences
Options for settling a disagreement:
agree, compromise, disagree, or agree
to disagree peacefully
Where to Turn When the
Relationship is in Trouble?
EAP
Individual and/or Marital Counseling
Relationship Building Activities
Friends
Support Groups
Church
Conclusion
If it’s to be,
It’s up to me!
Dennis Waitley
Psychology of Winning
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