Transcript ComunicationinMarriage - Word of life bible church

COMMUNICATION IN THE MARRIAGE
PARTNERSHIP
Mortimer Mannya
Marriage Seminar
PURPOSE:
 To encourage Christian couples towards fulfilling , God
honoring Marriages.
 OBJECTIVE:
To increase awareness on various communication issues
 Requirements for good communication.
 Different perceptions between genders.
 Different Levels of communication.
 Some useful Tips in relationship management
Current issues affecting healthy marriages
 Ignorance of Gods word and His power (design & operation).
 Focus has moved from Christlikeness to worldlikeness.
 Understanding of divine order of relationships have been
polluted ( Headship/ submission). Are men and women
 Equal? (Ask Traditional men including Jewish Rabbis)
 The same? ( Ask modernist esp Womens lib proponents).
 Rebellion (–subtle or overt) to accept and practice the divine
order .
 Should Headship be Oppressive or abusive?
 Should submission be slavery or grudgy?
THE MARRIAGE BLUEPRINT
• God has always had a plan for marriage as part of his will.
• He has it all worked out with no need for additions.
• Anyone who wants a life fulfilling marriage must follow God’s plan.
• This plan is an all-time plan. It is an all culture, an all locations plan.
WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS
HUSBAND
WIFE
1 Peter 3:7 Treat her kindly/
tenderly
Eph 5:33 Love her as you love
yourself
Prov 5:18 Enjoy her
Titus 2:4 ….. to love him
1Cor 7:3 Satisfy her …needs
1 Cor 7:3 Satisfy his … needs
Eph5:22 : Submit to him
Prov 31:12 Do him good
THE JERICHO WALLS
COMMUNICATION BETWEEN
MARRIAGE PARTNERS
The Road, the Bridge, the Gate
into someone’s life.
Read the map well else you will get lost.
Can two people walk together
unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
What communication involves?
 No two people can effectively walk together, work together or
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live together without good communication (Amos 3:3)
Eph 4:15 but speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all
things into him, who is the head, even Christ;
Speak (Action)
“The Truth , (Content)
In Love - Motivation
How communication can be improved.
The basic requirements of good communication.
 Mutual openness and honesty. How frank and open are
we?
 Self Control. Eph4:26 -27
 Charitable, forbearing and accepting spirit
 Good listening skills
 Right attitude.
 Good Timing
 Respect for others opinion.
 Set Ground rules.
Why the Anger?
"Just because you don't
know the answer, you don't
have to get so upset about
it!"
“ I married a prosecutor or a judge
but I didn’t bring an advocate
along to assist me in this marriage”
“ Men and women are created
divinely differrent”
So different as if “Men are from
Mars andWomen are fromVenus”
Dr John Gray -
Differences between men and women
 Men offer solutions & invalidate
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feelings.
In stress they pull away & silently
think of what bothers them.
Different language – Men talk
things, solid and dry.
Men talk only to solve problems
Men are motivated when they feel
needed.
Men give score for big achievements
only.
Dr John Gray – Men are from Mars,Women are fromVenus, - www.marsvenus.com
 Women offer unsolicited advice &
give direction.
 They instinctively to talk about
what is bothering them.
 They express how the feel about
issues.
 Women talk for fellowship.
 They motivated when they feel
cherished.
 Women give score for many
achievements.
SAME OR DIFFERENT?
 Are men and women different in
communication needs, expressions, and
perceptions?
 Do we use the same words implying different
things?
 Do we hear and listen selectively, if yes what do
we choose?
WHAT IS IMPORTANT FOR MEN AND WOMEN IN
COMMUNICATION
 Men care about thoughts, facts and the process, women care about
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feelings, relationships and results.
Women express themselves immediately, men need time to think first.
The Choice, the Use and the Meaning of words differ with gender–
Women use and interprete figurative language, men prefer straight
forward language.
Women use questions and interjections during the conversation to
encourage speaking, men see that as being too inquisitive or interruptive, they
prefer quiet uninteruptive listening.
Women use generalization, men prefer specifics. E.g “you never, you
always, most people”
Performance assessment– Men focus and recognize Big projects, Women
focus and recognize Many projects and all get the same score.
Men emphasize power relations, women look for intimacy & connection.
 Do you recognize these expressions, Who uses them,
what they mean?
 “ Tell
me exactly……” or “ Does that mean I”
 “ Hi, Think before you lip” &
 “ Oh! Think until you forget”
 You Always come home late,
 ….. “Its nothing”
 Everyone in the street owns a car,
 No, I am Ok or fine.
 No One helps
 Its no big deal”
 “Everything in this marriage is a mess”
 “I am all right”
Words Women Use
FINE
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This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
 If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
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This is the calm before the storm. This means "something,"
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with
'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."
GO AHEAD
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This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
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This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she
thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
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This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to
think long and hard before deciding how and when you will
pay for your mistake.
THANKS
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A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just
say you're welcome.
WHATEVER
 It's a woman's way of saying
“Away with you!”
IN THE WOMEN’S DOMINION
 SIGN 1: "ALL THOSE MEN WHO
HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY
THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE."
 SIGN 2: "ALL THOSE WHO HAVE
NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY
THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE."
What does a woman want ?
Acccording to Ellen Kreidman,
She wants
 to be your first priority –. She compares the time, the
energy, the respect for her feelings compared to what you
give others –( clients, brothers, friends, you secretary)
 you to consider her needs above everyone else’s - Is it
me or the job, me or the friends, me or the house, me or the
freedom? Attention, attention, attention
 you to think that no other woman comes close to being
as wonderful for you as she is. NO COMPARISON.
Continual admiration.
What does a woman want?
Ellen Kreidman,
She wants
 You to brag about her to your friends and family. –The true
feelings about a person is what you say about her when is not around. (
Stove pipe story)
 You to feel proud that she is your mate. Is she a pride or
embarrassment?
 You to prove your love. –Verbalize, action –a favour, an errand, a
service, ? Not sex. Only men think sex is a proof of love. Women think it’s
a necessity. Little things mean a lot. A small or big gift. A surprise. Her
celebration days, SMS.
 You to think that she is the most beautiful woman alive. Notice
everything about her, compliment, compliment, ( What is sexual
harassment at the work place– saying doing the right things to the wrong
person)
What does a woman want;
Ellen Kreidman,
She wants
 You to think who she is and what she does is nothing
short of miraculaous. –Say something, Notice everything.
Mens need a course on appreciation by eye and word.
 Tender, loving care at that special time every month
when her emotions are ruled by her hormones. –Observe and
Offer support, reduce the load, give space.
 Needs and expects to have daily reminders of how much
you love her. –Verbalize your love. Women never tire of
hearing I love you, only men get bored of saying it.
WHAT DO MEN WANT
 Sexual Fulfillment – There is much more behind sex than
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pleasure for a man. There is positive power play, there is
affirmation. There is acceptance, assurance of being needed.
Recreational companionship –Entertainment, fun
Attractive Spouse ( Form and Face Gen 29:17)- Men
measure their value not by the lookability but that of their spouse.
What they have more than what they are. The type of car, the size
of their church, size of the company.
Domestic support – Homebuilder, helper.
Admiration & Affirmation –Behind every man there is a
little boy who wants to loved, admired and affirmed.-.
 Pr 10:19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not transgression; But he that
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refraineth his lips doeth wisely.
Ec 5:3; Jas 3:2
Pr 10:20 The tongue of the righteous is as choice silver: The heart of the wicked is
little worth.
Pr 10:21 The lips of the righteous feed many; But the foolish die for lack of
understanding.
There is that speaketh rashly like the piercings of a sword; But the tongue of the wise is
health.
19 The lip of truth shall be established for ever; But a lying tongue is but for a moment.
Pr 13:2 A man shall eat good by the fruit of his mouth; But the soul of the treacherous
shall eat violence.
3 He that guardeth his mouth keepeth his life; But he that openeth wide his lips shall
have destruction.
Practical Tips for Great Communication
 Lay the ground rules.
 Talk daily about plans – , To do lists, Work, Minisitry .
 Feedback regularly, adequately.
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- Talk multiple times per day. That helps bring security into
relationship.
Trust the wisdom of your spouse. Value input from your spouse.
Who like surprises? Run plans by your spouse well in advance.
Talk about money, money and money.
Get advice when you can’t agree.
Be humble. God opposes the proud. It takes humility to find grace.
Don’t have hidden issues. Get open in your discipling
relationships. Deal with issues faithfully.
Don’t exaggerate. Be honest. Deceit is not an option.
Ground Rules for communication
Develop agreed ground rules for a lasting and
fulfilling marriage relationship.
 No Name calling …” you blessed fool”.
 No absolutes. “you never”, “you always”
 Shift the focus back to your own inner self.- “This
makes me feel or make me think”.
 Make open disclosures –my interests, feelings, fears
are
 No negative score board.
 No recalling the past without permission.
 Breathing space will be provided.
Practical Tips for Great Communication
- Talk daily about plans. Have calendar times every week.
- Talk multiple times per day. That helps bring security into relationship.
- Trust wisdom of your spouse. Value input from your spouse.
-Wives usually don’t like surprises. Run plans by your spouse well in
advance.
- - Talk about finances.
- Talk about each others To-Do lists.
- Talk about each others ministry.
- Get advice when you can’t agree.
- Be humble. God opposes the proud (James 4:6). It takes humility to find
grace.
- Don’t have hidden issues. Get open in your discipling relationships. Deal
with issues faithfully.
- Don’t exaggerate. Be honest. Deceit is not an option.
THANK YOU
ENJOY
HIM/ HER