Transcript How to Tighten Up a Revision

How to Tighten Up a Revision
Hudson Bend Language Arts Department
2005
What Is This About?
• Tightening an essay means getting rid
of extra words. Extra words make
writing seem cluttered. It’s hard to
focus on ideas because too many words
get in the way.
Take a look at this small small group of
sentences.
• All my intentions were is to experience prison
from the inside looking out and not from the
outside looking in. I knew if I played my cards
right and if the opportunity presented itself I
wouldn't hesitate or be afraid to experience a
short period behind bars, walls, fences, or prison
for that matter in order to get an insider's view.
Blah, blah,blah! Why? This
paragraph comes across as
arrogant. The author seems so
impressed with their own
vocabulary. The message is lost!
OK. Now let’s
tighten these
flabby
sentences.
• My intentions were to experience prison
from the inside, and I wasn't afraid to
spend a short period behinds bars to
get an insider's view.
OR, even more tight:
I wasn't afraid to spend a short time behind
bars just for the experience.
• Not all writing can be tightened this much,
but most early drafts can be trimmed to the
essentials. Not only does the meaning
become clearer, the writing becomes easier
to read. Many grammatical problems
eliminate themselves during tightening, a
hidden bonus, since they are the result of
overburdened sentences created from a
failure to understand rules.
Ok. How can I do this?
A writer can combine several short
sentences to create a longer one.
I have always had this one dream. My dream has
been to be a famous writer. Everyone would read my
books. I would become very wealthy.
I have always dreamed of being a
wealthy, famous writer, read by
everyone.
Hey!
How did
we do
that?
Well, we cut the second sentence,
changed some verb tenses to fit,
eliminated the redundancy of the
two “dream” words, and morphed
the third sentence into a
prepositional phrase. We ended up
with a more fluid and mature
sounding sentence.
Tightening isn’t hard, but there is a
kind of knack to it. Here are some
suggestions:
#1. Look for words that don’t do their
share of work:
Change
There’s a light on the scoreboard that
flashes on and off.
To
The scoreboard light flashes on and
off.
#2 Use strong verbs:
Change
In a cautious manner the car went around
the corner.
To
The car negotiated the corner.
#3 Don’t pile up modifiers in front of
nouns:
Change:
He was a weak, timid sort of
individual.
To:
He was a mouse.
Do you
remember
what this is
called? This
is where you
can put it to
work.
#4. Make the agent the subject:
Change:
The report was read to us by
Mr. Coleman.
To:
Mr. Coleman read us the
report.
Fifty bucks says
you recognize
this one!!
• #5 Keep it clear and simple:
Change:
Bluegrass music might be said to have
certain qualities which render it in a
disagreeable light to a clear majority
of my peers.
To:
Most of my friends don’t like
bluegrass music.
#6. Try combining several short
sentences into a longer one:
Change:
I have this beautiful watch it is silver.
It was given to me by my father. He
gave it to me last year.
To:
Last year my father gave me this
beautiful silver watch.
The aim in every case is to make your
writing more smooth and vivid, more
expressive of your meaning. In fact,
that’s the aim of revision in general: to
make every word work.
back to present day