Transcript CM 105 Unit 7 Seminar

Unit 8 Seminar:
Editing and Revising
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Following the instructions for the post-draft outline,
outline your first draft and post it to the Discussion
Board.
Next, identify at least one thing about your draft that the
outline brought to light—for example, maybe you need
to reorder paragraphs 7 and 8, or maybe your thesis
statement promises to talk about something you never
discuss. What did the post-draft outline reveal about the
organization of your paper and the effectiveness of
your argument?
After you have finished with your own post, please
respond to two other students (100-150 words each).
Is your final essay going to be
long enough?
(If not, what can you do?)
 “Re-vision,” or
literally, “re-seeing” the
paper.
 Great writers do it! E.B. White, the author
of Charlotte’s Web, noted that “The best
writing is rewriting” (cited in Van Dam &
Tysick, 2008, p. 66).
 The acronym “ARMS” can help writers
remember important steps in revision.
A
8-10 page paper requires planning-more planning than a 3-5 page paper!
 You’ve already written your 5 page draft
and now you must come up with another
3 pages of material to reach the 8 page
goal.
 Do you have more to say? How are you
going to arrive at the proper length?
 You
can not receive two grades for the
same work!!
 If you turn in your draft twice, the second
time will be graded as a zero.
 Your final paper MUST be substantially
different from your draft. However, if you
wrote 5 pages, then adding 3 more pages
covers that rule.
 Do
I need to Add anything? -- a word, a
phrase, a sentence, a paragraph, a
description
 Do I need to Remove anything? Did I
repeat myself?
 Do I need to Move anything? -- a word, a
phrase , a sentence, a paragraph
 Do I need to Substitute anything? – a
word, phrase, a sentence
 Tip:
Treat each main point as a separate
paper.
• To use this tip, you are going to need an outline
for your paper.
• To use this tip, you are going to need a thesis
statement for each main point (topic sentences
for the paragraph).
• To use this tip, you are going to need to
remember the writing modes that you learned in
Composition I, and you may need to do more
research.
 Is
the organization effective?
 Do I repeat any points?
 Does my introduction or conclusion still
need work?
 Do I still need to make any additional
points to support my thesis?
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See pp. 66-69 of the handbook for more details.
 Count
paragraphs in draft, write numbers, then
put main point of each paragraph next to the
number.
 Make sure topic sentences for each paragraph
reflect the main idea of that paragraph!
 Review order of ideas to see if they are logical
or if paragraphs need reorganization.
 Note any unnecessary repetition or gaps.
 Make sure each paragraph focuses on the main
idea—see if anything needs to be removed!
 Narration
is telling a short, nonfiction story,
usually about your personal experiences or
the experiences of someone whom you
know or have read about. Readers like
stories because stories help to make your
ideas easier to understand. Be sure the
story supports your ideas and is relevant to
your argument. If you do a personal story,
though, remember to tell it in third person.
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Compare and contrast – Showing how two things are
alike or different can help the reader to understand,
but only if one of the things being compared is familiar
to the reader. Comparing also helps to show changes
and relationships.
Definition – You can’t assume that the reader
understands all of your terms, particularly if your topic
contains words not used in ordinary conversation. If
your readers do not understand your key points, then
you will have failed to communicate.
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Cause and Effect – This involves explaining what
“caused” the problem involved with your topic and
what the results or “effects” of the problem are. This
helps the readers to have a complete picture of your
topic.
Classification –If your topic is complex, break it into
its parts. It may be easier for your readers to
understand the parts than the complex whole, but be
sure to also explain the relationships between the parts
themselves and their relationship to the whole.
 Description
– Painting word pictures helps
your readers to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel
what you are describing. It makes your writing
more vivid and interesting, as well as adding
length to your essay.
 Process analysis – This means explaining how
something is done or made. Understanding the
steps involved can help the reader understand
your concepts.
 This
is a formal essay. Do not use first
person (I, me, my, we, us, our) unless
you are using a personal example (and
generally, I would recommend writing
that in third person as well—otherwise,
the shift into first is awkward for a
reader).
 Do not use second person (you, your).
 If
you have a specific question, email me.
 If
you find that you have too many quotes,
eliminate, paraphrase, or summarize.
Remember what author Herman
Melville said: "It is better to fail in
originality, than to succeed in
imitation."
 Make sure you've used quotation marks
when you used someone else's exact
words. Make sure you have in-text
citations for quotes, paraphrases, and
summaries.
 Finding
sources on the Internet is relatively
easy, but their quality varies greatly. If you
use a search engine such as Yahoo, Google,
etc., you're likely to get a list of sources, but
you will need to evaluate if those sources
are worth while.
 The fact that a source is listed does not
guarantee that it is reliable. Anyone can put
up a web site about anything!
 Remember, the final project guidelines
specify that you can have no more than
two internet-only sources.
Ask who is the author? Does he or she have any
qualifications to be writing about the subject matter
covered by the web site? Look for degrees,
knowledge, and experience.
Check the publishing body. Information in web sites
published by reliable publishing bodies is more
likely to be valid.
- Examples: encyclopedias, NASA, federal
government sites, state government sites, wellknown organizations like the American Medical
Association
Look for the date of the material.
Anything that changes frequently, such as
scientific information, laws, archeology,
computers, etc., would need to be updated
regularly. Watch out that the information that you
use is not old and out dated.
Read the information and think critically.
Does it sound right? Does it contain information
that you can verify, such as statistics? Does it
represent other sources fairly? Does it take into
consideration alternative views? Is it well-written
(no grammar errors, for example)?
Avoid blogs (unless on a reputable site like the New York
Times or written by someone who is an expert in
the field).
 Editing
is correcting a document’s errors
and stylistic flaws.
 Errors may occur in grammar,
punctuation, spelling, use of capital
letters, and other areas.
 Stylistic flaws can occur when a sentence
just doesn’t “sound right” because of
awkward word choice or too many words
(wordiness).
 Aim
for 18-25 words per sentence. Use
shorter sentences for clarity when
describing complex ideas.
 Limit sentence content—usually one idea
per sentence!
 Use
strong, concrete subjects and verbs.
 Wordy: All of the separate constituencies
at this academic institution must be
invited to participate in the decision
making process under the current fiscal
pressures we face.
 Better: Faculty, students, and staff at this
school must all have a say during this
current budget crunch.
Avoid awkward noun phrases. Look for:
1. Strings of prepositional phrases
2. Verbs turned into nouns (look for
endings such as “ation”)
3. Lots of articles (the, a, an)
While these phrases are not “wrong” in a
grammatical sense, they can be tedious
to read!
 Wordy: members
of the student body at
University of California
 Better: students at University of California
 Wordy: the manufacturing of products
made up of steel
 Better: making steel products
 Wordy: the prioritization of decisions for
policies of the student government
 Better: the study government’s priorities
 Wordy: The
press release gave an
explanation for the behavior of the
demonstrators.
 Better: The
press release explained the
demonstrators’ behavior.
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Get to the point quickly! Avoid starting sentences with
long sets of prepositional phrases or clauses that delay
the verb.
Wordy: A new scam e-mail that appears to be a
solicitation from the IRS and the U.S. government for
charitable contributions to victims of the recent
Southern California wildfires has been making the
rounds.
Better: A new scam e-mail making the rounds ask for
charitable contributions to the victims of the recent
Southern California wildfires. While the e-mail appears
to be from the IRS or the U.S. government, it is not
legitimate.
 Avoid
starting sentences with expletives
like “it is,” “there is,” or other phrases that
defer the meaning until later in the
sentence.
 Delayed: There were over 4,000 runners in
the marathon.
 Better: Over 4,000 runners competed in the
marathon.
 Delayed: There were many incentives
offered by the company to its sales force.
 Better: The company offered its sales force
many incentives.
 Use
active voice instead of passive voice.
 Use action verbs when possible.
 Passive: The ball was thrown by the boy.
 Active: The boy threw the ball.
 Wordy: Students are too reliant on credit
cards.
 Better: Students rely on credit cards too
much.
 Avoid
cluttering phrases, unnecessary
words, and needless repetition. An
example of a “cluttering phrase” would
be using “at the present time” instead of
saying “now.”
 Repetitive: She did the daily paperwork
every day.
 Better: She completed the paperwork
every day.
 Avoid
illogical and unparallel
constructions.
 Not parallel: Her true pleasure is playing
the piano rather than in the library.
Parallel revision: Her true pleasure is
playing the piano, not reading in the
library.
 Turn
dependent clauses into direct
modifiers.
 Wordy: Our coach, who is nationally
renowned, expected a raise.
 Better: Our nationally renowned coach
expected a raise.
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Modifiers are words or phrases that describe nouns
(adjectives) or verbs (adverbs).
Mary is a pretty girl. “Pretty” describes Mary/girl.
A misplaced modifier occurs when the placement of a
modifying word or phrase makes the sentence unclear.
Original: We chose that song for Mary, the prettiest one
in the songbook, to sing.
Mary is not the “prettiest one in the songbook”—the
song is.
Revision: We chose that song, the prettiest one in the
songbook, for Mary to sing.
 Richard
Lanham created this method,
described in his textbook Revising Prose
 Targets wordiness
 Helps to make writing more clear and
concise
 See ch. 6, pp. 70-72, for more examples.
 Circle
the prepositions and replace with active
verbs.
 Circle the "is" and “have” verb forms and
replace with active verbs.
 Ask, "Where's the action?" and put this action
in a simple active verb. Make the doer of the
action the subject.
 Start fast--no slow windups. Avoid starting
sentences with phrases like “I believe that. . .”
or “There is/are.”
 Eliminate redundant phrasing.
 Avoid
strings of prepositional phrases.
 Cluttered: We stood in line at the
observatory on the top of the hill in the
mountains to look in a huge telescope at
the moons of Saturn.
 Better: We lined up at the mountaintop
observatory to view Saturn’s moons
through a huge telescope.
 Keep
in mind that a sentence does not have to
be brief to be effective; long sentences can be
worthwhile, too. Just make sure longer
sentences are punctuated properly!
 In fact, an essay’s sentence length and structure
should vary.
 Some sentences should be brief and others
should be longer.
 Punctuation and the “sound” of sentences
should vary.
 However, every word should be necessary.
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The dog (with the short tail) lives (at the house
next door).
Revision: The short-tailed dog lives next door.
The dog was having fun rolling in the grass.
Revision: The dog enjoyed rolling in the grass.
I am a race car driver.
Revision: I drive race cars.
The
point I wish to make is that the
employees working at this company
are in need of a much better
manager of their money.
 This
company’s employees need a better
money manager.
 It
is widely known that the engineers at
Sandia Labs have become active
participants in the Search and Rescue
operations in most years.
 Sandia
Labs engineers actively
participate in most Search and Rescue
operations.
 After
reviewing the results of your
previous research, and in light of the
relevant information found within the
context of the study, there is ample
evidence for making important,
significant changes to our operating
procedures.
 Your
research results and our recent
studies suggest the need to make
changes to our operating procedures.
 In
the last decade, the world of personal
computers and the Internet was brought
into our living rooms.
 The
first step in the police investigation is
to interview the parents and children in
the household to establish an idea of
what happened.
 Even
people who cannot agree on
whether death by execution is the best
form of punishment should be able to see
that if there is even a slight chance of an
innocent person losing his or her life,
death should not even be an option.
 http://www.english.uga.edu/cdesmet/revisi
ngprose.htm
 http://writing2.richmond.edu/WRITING/w
web/concise.html
 http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resourc
e/635/01/
 Ruszkiewicz, How to Write Anything: A Guide
and Reference (2009)
 Webb, Miller, & Horner, Hodges’ Harbrace
Handbook, 14th ed. (2001)
 Hult & Huckin, The New Century Handbook,
2nd ed. (2002)
 Ask
yourself, “Do I have enough so that my
audience will accept my claims?” Use the
acronym PREFACTS.
 P = personal observations or experiences
placed in third person (he, she, they, a person,
etc.)
 R= reasons
 E = examples
 F = facts
 A = analogies (comparisons)
 C = concrete sensory images (descriptions)
 T = testimony
 S = statistics