Transcript Non Violent Communication

Non Violent Communication
Engaging in empowering dialogue in
relationships
Cf. Marshall Rosenberg, Non-violent Communication
• Humans can Connect themselves to their
compassionate nature and relate with others
with care and concern.
• Disconnected from our compassionate core,
one may tend use violent communications
that disrupt relationships.
Learning to communicate from the heart
Crucial role of language in communication
• Language and communication skills play a
great role in communicating from our heart
• Our mode of expressing ourselves and hearing
others can be empowering or self-defeating
• NVC focusses on clarifying what is being
observed, felt and needed, rather than on
diagnosing nor judging.
Jackal vs Giraffe consciousness
Giraffe
Jackal
• Defensive: accusing or
justifying
• Dualistic. Either/or;
good/bad; right/wrong
• Guilt, shame, anger
• External Jackal
• See others as enemy or
 connecting &
understanding
 Focus on feelings &
needs
 Equality and mutuality
 Integral, holistic outlook
 Compassion, joy
 See others as
wholesome human
Four components of NVC model
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Observed data
Feelings
Needs
Request
Short cut to communication deviance
• Moralist judgements: Blame, insults, put-downs,
labels, criticism, and diagnoses
• Making comparisons: show how others are
better or worse than you
• Denial of responsibility: make others feel guilty
and responsible for your misery
• Demand: Dictate others what they should feel, think
and do
• The concrete actions we are observing that are
affecting our well-being
• If you combine observation with evaluation, people
tend to hear criticism
• Hence separate observation from evaluation
• How we feel in relation to what
we are observing
• Become aware, accept and
express properly our feelings
• Take responsibility for your
feelings
• What others do may be the stimulus
of our feelings, but not the cause.
Four options for receiving negative messages
“You’re the
most self-centered person I’ve ever met”.
• 1. Blaming Ourselves: “ I should have been more
considerate”
• 2. Blaming others: “Your behaviour is the cause of it”
• 4. Sensing the needs and feelings of others:
“Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration
for your preferences?”
• 3. Sensing our own needs and feelings
“I feel annoyed when I hear your comment because I would
need my commitment to others be respected”
• The needs, values, desires, etc. that are
creating our feelings
• Judgments of others are alienated expressions of
our own unmet needs.
• If we express our needs, we have a better chance of
getting them met.
• The Pain Of Expressing Our Needs Versus The Pain
Of Not Expressing Our Needs
• If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.
From Emotional Slavery To Emotional Liberation
• First stage: Emotional slavery: we see
ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.
• Second stage: “Obnoxious”: we feel angry; we
no longer want to be responsible for others’
feelings.
• Third stage: Emotional liberation: we take
responsibility for our intentions and actions
• The concrete actions we request in order to
enrich our lives
• Using Positive Action Language
• Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action
language reveals what we really want.
• Vague language contributes to internal confusion
• The clearer we are about what we want back, the
more likely it is that we’ll get it.
• Presence: Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There
• Empathy: emptying the mind and listening with our whole
being
• Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel
better prevents us from being present
• Listening For Feelings and Needs
• No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (a)
observing, (b) feeling, (c) needing, and (d) requesting.
• Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic
expressions of unmet needs
• We are compassionate with ourselves when we are
able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize
the needs and values expressed by each part.
• The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing
things “because we’re supposed to”
Remember
• When we judge others, we contribute to violence.
• Use anger as a wake-up call.
• Anger co-opts our energy by diverting it toward
punitive actions.
• When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way
to life-serving feelings.
• Violence comes from the belief that other people
cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
• Judgments of others contribute to self fulfilling
prophecies.
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1. Stop. Breathe.
2. Identify our judgmental thoughts.
3. Connect with our needs.
4. Express our feelings and unmet needs
Remember..
• The more we hear others, the more they’ll hear us.
• Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our
minds without judging them.
• When we hear the other person’s feelings and needs,
we recognize our common humanity.
• Our need is for the other person to truly hear our
pain.
• People do not hear our pain when they believe they
are at fault
• Practice translating each judgment into an unmet
need.
• Take your time.
Beware!
Accidents too can happen in communication
Communicate from your center
Powerpoint Prepared by Mathew cmf