Transcript How Believers Grow and Change Session #3

How Believers Grow and
Change
Session #3
Learning how to grow by growing
in your marital communication
The Process of Change
Unbiblical approaches to avoid:
Magic whiffle dust method of growth (“let go
and let God,” “I just pray about it”)
Self-effort, self-discipline, legalistic method of
growth (“pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” “I
just try harder”)
The biblical approach (Phil 2:12-13)
I diligently obey what the Bible says (1 Tim. 4:7)
And I trust that Christ and His Spirit will work in
me as I trust and rely on Him (Gal. 2:20, 5:16)
The Process of Change
 Romans 12:1-2
 Believers seek to live by the Spirit by
presenting their lives (“bodies”) as a living
sacrifice to God as an act of worship (v. 1, cf.
1 Cor. 6:19-20)
 This is accomplished by (v. 2):
 Putting off (repenting of) conformity to the world
(the desires, beliefs, ways of the world – 1 John
2:15-17)
 Being transformed (changed) by using the
Scripture to renew the desires, thoughts, and
beliefs of the mind/heart
The Process of Change
 Ephesians 4:22-24
 Believers should put-off (repent of) the old
self (sinful desires, motives, thoughts,
beliefs) - (v. 22)
 Believers should be changed in their
minds/hearts by the Scripture (v. 23)
 Believers should put-on (replace) the old self
with the new self (biblical desires, motives,
thoughts, beliefs) which are in conformity
with God: righteousness, holiness and truth
(v. 24)
The Process of Change
 Both this verse and Rom. 12:1-2 point to the
importance of renewing the mind. Renewing
the mind means that a person’s beliefs and
thoughts are changed to reflect Scripture
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off lying. Put on speaking the truth in
love (vv. 25, 15)
Lying takes many forms:
Blatant lies
Deceit
Exaggeration
Avoidance & Evasion
Telling half the truth
Camouflage (disguising the real message, innuendo)
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off lying. Put on speaking the truth in
love (vv. 25, 15)
Speaking is necessary because people cannot
read our minds (no avoiding, clamming up)
The content of our speech should be truth
The manner of our speech should be loving
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off lying. Put on speaking the truth in
love (vv. 25, 15)
Learn to be a good listener:
Concentrate and carefully consider what the other
person is saying
Don’t interrupt
Don’t formulate your response while the person is still
speaking
Don’t do distracting things
Don’t talk too much
Repeat back in your own words what you think you
heard
Don’t talk over others
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off ignoring problems. Put on
resolving conflicts quickly (v. 26)
“When you’re angry, don’t sin further by not
reconciling. Repent of your anger and reconcile
before the sun goes down”
Wrong ways to deal with conflict:
“the loving thing to do is overlook it”
Let time “heal it”
Just live with it
Wait for the other person to take the initiative
Avoid it. Pretend it never happened
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off ignoring problems. Put on
resolving conflicts quickly (v. 26)
Not reconciling right away leads to bitterness,
resentment, distance, and a host of other
problems.
Make a commitment with your spouse to not go
to bed until a conflict is resolved.
Solicit the help of a godly couple or a leader in
your church if you can’t resolve an issue on
your own.
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off words that tear down. Put on
words that build up and give grace (v. 29)
What does “unwholesome” mean?
Put off wrong goals:
Make sure I’m heard
Get my way
Win the argument
Hurt the other person
Make myself look good
Manipulate
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off words that tear down. Put on
words that build up and give grace (v. 29)
What is the goal of biblical communication?
Build up the other person
Give them grace
Make sure your words are timely and
appropriate to the need
Be solution oriented. Attack the problem, not
the person.
Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit! (v. 30)
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off all forms of anger. Put on
kindness, tender-heartedness, and
forgiveness (vv. 31-32)
Man’s anger does not achieve the
righteousness of God (James 1:20)
Anger in all its forms must be put off. Learn to
unmask anger for what it is:
Miss hurt, upset, offended, bothered, annoyed
Mr. irritated, resentful, Irate, enraged, got up on the
wrong side of the bed
Mrs. Disturbed, frustrated, disappointed, ticked off,
displeased
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off all forms of anger. Put on
kindness, tender-heartedness, and
forgiveness (vv. 31-32)
Anger can be:
Bitterness (to revenge)
Wrath (a flaring outburst)
Anger (settled indignation, slow burn -> hostility)
Clamor (harsh contention, loud quarreling or yelling)
Slander (speech that injures)
Malice (desire to harm someone else, evil intent)
Don’t blame shift, get defensive, minimize, or
run away. Deal with your anger.
The Process of Change Applied:
Communication
Put off all forms of anger. Put on
kindness, tender-heartedness, and
forgiveness (vv. 31-32)
Replace anger with:
Kindness (courteous, useful, benevolent, “wanting to
help”)
Tender-heartedness (compassionate, having a “good
heart”)
Forgiving (give up right to hold a grudge or stay
upset)
Let God’s forgiveness be both the motivation
and model for your forgiveness of others.