Transcript Adjective - Fort Bend ISD

“Re-entering” your writing to improve
depth, clarity, and organization
• Highlight every other sentence in alternating
colors.
The creature’s eyes were but a black mirror,
reflecting the scene of its’ death but seeing
none of it. It made no sound and the crunching
of the October frost that lay like a crystalline
quilt over the field seemed decibels louder. It
flapped once, twice, and was gone, a
breathless, airy weight in my hands. But it had
taken so much to kill it.
2 ) Draw a box around the first word in
every sentence.
3) Circle “is,” “as,” “was,” “were,” “be,”
“being,” “been.”
4)X out the word “very.”
5)
a triangle around any of the "dead
Draw
words" that we decided upon in class.
Step 2: Sentence Leads
Leads according to parts of speech:
Noun: Edgar Allen Poe wrote "the Masque of the Red Death".
Pronoun: He wrote it to show the uncaring nature of the rich.
Article: The story fits into the Gothic horror genre.
Gerund: Reading the story, one immediately notices that each
room in the mansion has its own color.
Infinitive: To avoid the plague was the prince's main goal.
More Sentence Leads
Participle: Having escaped down to the hallway, the prince
found that the Red Death still followed him.
Adverb Clause: While the party-goers danced and talked, the
Red Death planned their demise.
Prepositional Phrase: Away from the Red Death the Prince
ran.
Adjective: Pale and frightened, the Prince was trapped and
met his death.
Step 2 Application
--Fold a sheet of paper in two. On one side, list all the
Sentence leads that you marked.
--Decide which of these sentences to revise to begin
with a new and more interesting lead. Be careful that
the resulting sentence is not more awkward than the
original, and the revised sentence still makes sense.
Step 3: Revising Passive Voice
--Passive voice occurs when a writer creates a sentence that
sounds as if the subject of the sentence is not doing the action.
--Passive voice often occurs when you use too many "to be"
verbs.
--Examples of passive voice:
"He was writing the story to tell us..."
"He was startled by the appearance of the Red Death at the
party."
"The Prince had been killed by the Red Death."
Can I get rid of ALL my "to be" verbs?
--NO! You can't always revise "to be" verbs--they are
not always passive voice. Ask yourself, "is there any
way I can make it sound as if the subject is the
one doing the action?"
You could not effectively revise this sentence:
"The Masque of the Red Death is a strong example
of the Gothic horror genre."
The writer is simply stating a fact, and it is therefore
necessary to use "is" because nothing is being
done.
Revising passive voice
"The Prince was frightened by the appearance of the Red
Death at the party."
This sentence can easily be revised:
"The appearance of the Red Death (subject) at the party
frightened (verb) the Prince (object)."
This is an example of the typical English sentence structure:
Subject comes first (who or what is doing the action) then the
verb (the action that is done by the subject) then the object
(who or what the action is done to).
Step 3 application
•Count the total number of "to be" verbs that you
circled. Write this number at the top of your first page.
•You are now responsible for eliminating at least 1/3
of the “to be verbs.”
•When you have finished, write the number of "to be"
verbs next to the original number of "to be" verbs. I
will check to be sure that you revised 1/3 or more,
and you must include these changes in your final
draft.
Steps 4 and 5: Imprecise adjectives
--The
words "very," "good," "mad," "bad," etc.
do not really tell your reader anything.
--From now on, these words are DEAD.
They have been bludgeoned to death by
overuse. Now it's time to find some beautiful
new, shiny, precise words to replace them.
--What are some words you can replace each
of these with?
Some Suggestions for Precision
Adjectives
1) Use numbers whenever possible--give the reader a specific
idea of just how much there is; instead of "a lot of money," write
"twenty-three million dollars."
2) Use other adjectives that are more specific; instead of "she
was mad" try something like "her face turned red, the veins in
her temples began to bulge through her skin, and it looked like
she would explode." Show, rather than tell, your reader.
3) If you cannot think of a better word (try HARD first), add
explanation of what you mean by the imprecise word.
Steps 4 and 5 application
--Locate the marked words from steps 4 and 5.
--Get rid of them! (unless they are quotations from
another author, of course!) Replace these with more
precise adjectives, specific numbers, or add
explanation to more clearly show what you mean (this
step is actually very easy).
--You must include these changes in your final draft.
I don't want to see any of these words in final drafts
unless they are quoted from someone else.