Transcript dr. alvin pelt presents at the 10th annual black male retreat

Relationship Assets and
Career Development
The Ohio State University
Todd A. Bell National Resource Center
Black Male Retreat 2015
Presented by
Alvin D. Pelt, MD
Main Points
1. It’s not always what you know but who
you know
2. The burden is on you to develop the
important relationships
3. Effective communication is the key to
healthy (happy) relationships
Objectives
1. Understand how developing
relationships can advance your career
2. Develop the skills and techniques
needed to initiate relationships with High
Value People
3. Identify the 4 (four) principles of NonViolent Communication (NVC)
Outline
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Relationship Analysis
Relationship Initiation & Development
Academic Impact
Value beyond Undergraduate Years
Long-term Relationships & Wealth
Effective Communication is the Key
Relationship Types
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Friends
Family
Professional
Intimate
Relationship Defined:
• An emotional connection between two or
more people:
What can a Psychiatrist tell you
about Relationships?
Relationship Defined:
Initiation conveys feelings of:
• Importance
• Acceptance
• Validation
• Inclusion
Relationship Defined:
Termination conveys feelings of:
• Anger
• Loss
• Sadness
• Abandonment
• Other negative emotions
Relationships
Can change over time…
Depths of Relationships
People you know personally
Associates
Friends
Inner Circle
Close friends and family
Healthy Relationships
6 Critical Elements
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Communication
Expression (non-verbal communication)
Time commitment
Commonality
Trust
Respect
2 Most Important Elements
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Trust
Respect
The brick & mortar of building a
relationship…
#1 Communication
• Ability to convey thoughts and FEELINGS
to others through verbal means…
• Barriers
– Language
– Accent
– Tone
– Abrasive words
– Abrasive actions
#2 Expression
• Ability to convey thoughts and FEELINGS
through non-verbal means…
• Facial expressions and body language are
important aspects of effective
communication !
Expression continued
Can get diluted in electronic media…
• Skype (maybe, maybe not..)
• Texting
• Facebook
• Email
• Instant Msg.
“Don’t let the electronic media tell
you how to think & feel…”
What is the Gain?
What is the Loss?
Friends having coffee…
What is the Difference?
• Spending time with someone vs. spending
time around someone…
#3 Time Commitment
• It takes time to communicate about the
things we have in common…
• It takes time to view other people’s facial
expressions (face-time)
• It takes a time-budget to initiate and
maintain relationships
#4 Commonality
The things that draw us together…
Things we talk about when we get together
• Professional (shop talk)
• Politics
• Culture
• Social scene
• Sports
• Money (cash)
• Travel
• Sex
How to Build Relationships
• Volunteer your time !
• What Dr. Shaun Harper calls “Active
Engagement”
• Creates 2 of the 6 critical elements;
– Commonality & Time
• Will eventually lead to (Trust & Respect)
#5 Trust
• Do you have my back?
• Can I talk with you in confidence?
• Are you ok around my family or significant
other?
#6 Respect
• Something about you that I admire…
• Something about you I’d like to have…
• You’re in a place I’d like to be…
R-e-s-p-e-c-t
• "Taking Care of Business " (TCB)
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Academics
Career
Family
Community
A 1967 hit and signature song for R&B singer Aretha Franklin…
Outline
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Relationship Analysis
Relationship Initiation & Development
Academic Impact
Value beyond Undergraduate Years
Long-term Relationships & Wealth
Effective Communication is the Key
Relationship Initiation
• You have to take the initiative to seek-out,
and meet “High Value People”
Conventional Wisdom
• It’s not always what you know but who
you know…and how well do you know
them!
Dr. Pelt’s Wisdom…
The more Who you know, the more What you
know…
• Learned about Mutual Fund investments 1st
Year Med School from my Jewish
Classmates (1980’s)
– T. Rowe Price International (110% annual return)
– Pioneer-II (90% annual return)
Story
• The Jewish Wedding
High Value People
• People who can help you navigate the
dangerous waters
• People who have already done what
you’re trying to do…
• Let go of the “Macho Mentality” and…walk
through the minefields after somebody!
High Value People
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Professors
Administrators
Administrative assistants (conduits)
Upper-classmen
People who will write you a letter of
recommendation (LOR)
• People who can help you get to the
advance degree or internship
Question is?
• How do you get to know them?
• And how well will you know them?
Establishing Commonality
• Techniques to get a conversation going
(small-talk)
• Staking-out some common ground
• Getting an audience to allow subconscious factors to surface
– “Do we click?”
– Do I like you?
– Can we work together?
Contacting & Inviting
Sales Technique
Acronym: F.O.R.M.
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Family
Occupation
Recreation
Message (what are you selling)
Helpful Hints
• Accomplished people love to talk about
their accomplishments & career paths
• Generally want to help others pursue their
goals
• Are usually willing to offer directions and
advise if you have a common interest or a
relationship with them…
Interviewing Techniques (1)
• At what point did you know you wanted to
be a _____?
• What was the most important factor in you
getting into _______?
Interviewing Techniques (2)
• If you could do it all over again what would
you do differently?
• For a person at my level what would you
recommend that I do?
Initiation & Follow-up
Goal:
• Get a contact phone number & email
address!
Statement:
• “I’d like to keep in contact, what is the best
way for me to reach you?”
Follow-up Techniques
In the order of importance to older, high
value people….
• Handwritten note
• Voicemail
• Email
• Text
Barriers
to
Relationship Initiation
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Intimidation
Shyness
Social anxiety
Income status inferiority
Language inferiority
Misperceptions (they’re stuck-up)
Outline
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Relationship Analysis
Relationship Initiation & Development
Academic Impact
Value beyond Undergraduate Years
Long-term Relationships and Wealth
Communication is the Key
Shaun Harper, PhD
Author of The Black Male Student
Success in Higher Education Report:
From the National Black Male College Achievement Study
Harper, S. R. (2012).
Keynote speaker for the OSU Black Male Retreat in 2013
Professor Harper
• BA, Education
– Albany State, Georgia (HBCU)
• Ph.D. in Higher Education
– Indiana University
• Executive Director,
– Center for the Study of Race and Equity in
Education
– University of Penn
Twitter @DrShaunHarper
[email protected]
Black male student success in
higher education:
• The largest-ever qualitative research study
of Black undergraduate men
• The report on black male achievers
– Study of the winners not the losers
– 42 colleges and universities in 20 states
across the U.S.
Download:
www.works.bepress.com/sharper
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
Postsecondary Degree Attainment
by Level & Gender, 2009
Degree
Black Men % Black Women %
Associate’s
31.5
68.5
Bachelor’s
34.1
65.9
Master’s
Professional
28.2
38.0
71.8
62.0
33.5
66.5
MD, JD, DDS
Doctoral
PhD, Ed.D.
Black Male Student Report
(219 students)
Study Admission Criteria:
• G.P.A > 3.0
• Involvement in student organizations
• Meaningful relationships with administrators &
professors outside the classroom
• Enriching experiences (educational)
– Study abroad
– Internships
– Summer research projects
– Service learning (work-study)
Side Note:
• The Sigmund Freud theory of psychiatry began
in the 1930’s, before the invention of psychiatric
medications (1960’s)
• Patients received psychotherapy to make them
feel better
• He discovered that the relationship with the
doctor (psychiatrist) was in itself a healing
modality
– i.e. The Therapeutic Relationship
Black Male Student Report
Relationships with Black male junior &
senior student leaders lead to:
• Valuable insights & resources on how to
navigate the university challenges
• Connections to information networks
• Engagement opportunities for:
– Study abroad programs
– Internships
– Summer research projects,
– Service learning (work-study)
Black Male Student Report
• The achievers contributed much of their
success to the Engagement Experience
– Established relationships with faculty that
advised the clubs & organizations
• Better treatment in the professor’s class
• Hooked-up with peers who:
• Shared notes
• Study strategies &
• Other resources that proved helpful in difficult
classes (did they get the old tests?)
Black Male Student Report
• The achievers believed that their low
performing, same-race peers were
considerably more disengaged in the
college experience & spent more time:
– Playing video games
– Playing sports
– Pursuing romantic relationships (players)
– Hanging out socially
Black Male Student Report
High rates of campus engagement lead to:
– Jobs
– Internships
– Study abroad programs
– Coveted slots in highly selective graduate
programs &
– Professional school admissions (MD, JD, DDS)
“This is how we do it” … Montell Jordan
Black Male Student Report
• Lastly;
• Meaningful relationships through
engagement
– Had more influence on the achiever’s
outcome than did a structured mentoring
program where the individuals were
assigned…
Story of my 3 Sons…
• The Scholarship sons
• The Internship son
• The Corporate track son
Walking on the ground floor vs. the 3rd floor…
The worker bee vs. the queen bee…
Outline
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Relationship Analysis
Relationship Initiation & Development
Academic Impact
Value beyond Undergraduate Years
Long-term Relationships & Wealth
Effective Communication is the Key
The Next Level!
• Who will make the call for you?
• Who will pull some strings for you?
• Who will write your LOR? (Letter of Recommendation)
Dr. Charles Basset Brown
• The first African-American to start for
Western Michigan University men's
basketball team (1948)
Dr. Charles Basset Brown
• Meharry Medical School Graduate (1953)
• Well-known Midwest Oral and Maxillo-facial
surgeon
• More than 50 articles published
• The 5th African-American to be certified by the
American Board of Oral and Maxillo-Facial
Surgery (1960)
Outline
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Relationship Analysis
Relationship Initiation & Development
Academic Impact
Value beyond Undergraduate Years
Long-term Relationships & Wealth
Effective Communication is the Key
George S. Barrett
Chairman and CEO of Cardinal Health
• A Fortune 17 health care services co.
• $103 Billion in sales 2013
• Brown University 1977 History Major
• Star of the soccer team with dreams to
play professionally
• Injury lead to pursuit of his voice talent
• Recruited to sing in school choir and
music productions
• Added Music Major
• Did some studio gigs and commercial
jingles in NYC
George S. Barrett
• George met Debbie Neimeth
– Future wife, while planning to go to Law
School
• George met Dick Neimeth
– Future father-in-law
• Dick was in the pharmaceutical business
– Later started a new company
• NMC laboratories
George S. Barrett
• Dick convinced George to abandon law
school and pursue business
• NMC laboratories then hired George
– “Who worked his way up the ladder to
become CEO while taking evening classes to
earn an MBA”
Columbus Dispatch, May 19, 2013
George S. Barrett
Outline
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Relationship Analysis
Relationship (Initiation) Development
Academic Impact
Value beyond Undergraduate Years
Long-term Relationships & Wealth
Effective Communication is the Key
Effective Communication
• Is the Key to success in long-term intimate
relationships
Long-term Healthy
Relationships
Yields:
• Higher financial benefits (nesting)
• Better mental & physical health
outcomes (live longer)
• Smarter, healthier & higher achieving
offspring
• Strong legacy, and possibly your
caretakers in your twilight years…
There Will be Problems…
Marriage and Divorce:
• About 40 to 50 percent of married
couples in the United States divorce
– The divorce rate for subsequent marriages
is even higher.
American Psychological Association
There Will be Problems…
• When you become emotionally involved in
an exclusive relationship;
• The more time & opportunity you have to
be negatively impacted by the other
persons’ actions & behaviors
• How do you respond?
There Will be Problems…
• Mature communication & problem solving
skills become critical !
It’s easy to break camp & go hunting again, especially if you’re
a player…
Modeling Learning Technique
• How we learned to speak English before we
learned how to read or write
• How we developed a communication style
• How we interact in relationships
• How drug addicts learn to recover
• How men learn how to be men…
What if you didn’t have good role models?
Modeling – Learning Technique
• Sometimes it’s positive modeling
– We do what we see & hear…
• Sometimes it’s negative modeling
– We do the exact opposite of what we see &
hear…
Immature Communication Styles
We’ve learned (modeled) to express negative
feelings through:
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Evaluation
Interpretation & diagnosing someone else’s
behavior
Images
This results in blaming the other person which
causes problems,
–
For every action there is a reaction…
Immature Communication
Evaluation Statement:
• “I think the reason why you spend so
much money is because you don’t have a
clue how hard it is to make it, you think
money grows on trees”
Immature Communication
Diagnostic Statement:
• “You act like a 13 year-old school girl
because you’re still running around…”
Immature Communication
Image Statement:
• “When you wear that dress you look like a
over-grown …”
Immature Communication
• When people hear anything that sounds
like criticism they tend to do:
• What?
Immature Communication
• When people hear anything that sounds
like criticism they tend to strike-back!
• Become defensive
• Counter-attack
• Display less love & respect for you
Immature Communication
The criticism may come in the form of a:
• Voice tone
• Snide remark
• Sarcastic comment or joke
Mature Communication
• We have to learn how to connect our feelings to
our needs…
• Makes it easier for the other person to respond
positively rather than negatively
– “I don’t give a ___ about you or your…”
– The silent treatment, which is ignoring your very
presence
(A form of passive aggressive behavior)
Mature Communication
Problem is:
• We are not taught to think in terms of feelings or
needs… (The “F” word & The “N” word)
• We are socialized to believe that expression of
need is a sign of weakness “she’s needy”
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Developed the model of:
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Nonviolent Communication
(NVC)
• A mature means of communication
• Non-threatening
• Allows better reception from your mate
NVC & Personal Relationships
Helps you:
• Get what you want more often…
– Without using demands, guilt-trips or shaming
techniques
• Deepen your emotional connections
• Hear the needs behind whatever anyone
does or says
NVC & Personal Relationships
• Helps you to develop your emotional
vocabulary
• Help you to express your feelings and
needs
• Help you avoid blaming others for your
feelings
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Recommend:
4 Easy Steps (NVC)
1.
2.
3.
4.
Observations
Feelings (expression)
Needs (expression)
Requests (a change in behavior)
Observation Statement (NVC)
What I see, hear, remember or imagine:
• “When I see all the packages coming
to the house every week…”
Feelings (NVC)
How I feel about what I observe; rather than
what I think about it:
(what emotions or sensations go through my
body…)
•
“ I feel angry and disrespected…”
Needs (NVC)
What I need to cause me to have a more
positive feeling:
•
“I need to feel financially secure
and that we’re on the same page
with the spending”
Requests (NVC)
A concrete action I would like you to do:
•
“Would you take over the light bills
so I don’t have to worry as much
about the finances?”
Nonviolent Communication
(NVC)
• The more skillful you are in this technique
the more likely your are to keep your mate
by your side…
THE END
Alvin D. Pelt, MD
Email: [email protected]
Twitter: @apeltmkt
www.education-entertainment.com