Transcript Building Relationships Family Session

Building
Relationships
One Meeting at a Time
Leading Collaborative Family-School
Meetings
Kathleen Minke, Ph.D., NCSP
January 17, 2011
Overview of Session
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Introduction to CORE Model of
Collaboration
Pre-meeting preparations
In-meeting communication and decisionmaking skills
Post-meeting follow up
Why Focus on Meetings?
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Mandated interactions
Opportunities for highlighting shared goal
of child success
Why Focus on Relationships?
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Acknowledged or not, a relationship
ALWAYS exists between parents and
practitioners (Pianta & Walsh, 1996)
Good relationships serve as a strong
foundation for promoting child success
and for problem-solving, should difficulties
arise
What Do We Mean by
Collaborative Relationships?
Parent Involvement
OR
Family-School
Collaboration
What Do Collaborative (Trusting)
Relationships Look Like?
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Respectfulness
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Competence
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Doing what you say you will and doing it well
Personal regard
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Listening and clear communication
Considering views of all when planning
Helping each other feel more comfortable
Integrity and commitment
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Doing what it takes
Acting in the best interest of others
Adams & Christenson, 2000;
Bryk & Schneider, 2002
Why Are Collaborative
Relationships Hard to Develop?
 These
relationships are risky!
 Cultural and language differences
 Limits on time and training
How Can Meetings Become
Relationship-building
Opportunities?
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Practicing the CORE Beliefs
Careful preparation
Effective communication
Effective facilitation and decision-making
Follow-up on all agreements
The CORE Model of Collaboration
Connected
Optimistic
Respected
Empowered
Overview of Skills/Strategies
The CORE Model of Collaboration
•THINKING DIFFERENTLY
•Systems Theory
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TALKING DIFFERENTLY
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Communication Strategies
•BEHAVING DIFFERENTLY
•Meeting structures
CORE Beliefs Activity
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Review the list of the CORE beliefs.
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Mark one that you feel is MOST consistent with your
current practice.
Mark one that you feel is MOST challenging in your
work.
Working in pairs, discuss your selections with
your partner. What makes the challenging belief
so challenging?
Brainstorm ways that you might “think
differently” to allow that belief to become part of
your work with families.
Relationship-building
Meetings
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Driven by a commitment to the CORE
beliefs and systemic thinking
Characterized by good communication and
decision-making strategies
Recognize conflict and utilize it
productively
All parties leave with a clear
understanding of decisions and next steps
Preparation for a
Relationship-building
Meeting
Putting the Beliefs to Work
Preparation…
 Some specific considerations
 Invitations
Participants
 Agenda
 Preparation questions
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Environment
Invitation should include
preparation questions
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What two or three things are you most
proud of that [child’s name] has
accomplished this year?
What are your hopes for the rest of this
year? What are two or three things you
want [child’s name] to accomplish?
What questions do you want to have
answered in this meeting?
Preparation Questions
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What if no one asks me to prepare?
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Ask how you should prepare
Come in with a list of your child’s
accomplishments, next steps, and questions
to ask
Preparing the Environment
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How can a welcoming, positive
atmosphere be created?
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Sufficient numbers of adult-sized chairs
Enough room to move comfortably
Comfortable temperature, lighting and noise
level
Neutral location
Simple refreshments
During the
Meeting
Getting
Started
Getting Started
Greet every person by name
 Thank them for coming (or
otherwise make friendly contact)
 Overview the meeting
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Agenda (goals and expected
outcomes)
 Time available (consider including
timelines for meeting components)
 Reminders of how the meeting will
be conducted (aka ground rules)
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Getting Started
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Consider use of a “parking lot”
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Large flip chart, visible to all participants
If a topic is brought up that is outside of the
meeting agenda, facilitator asks permission to
“park” it
Time must be on agenda to address parking
lot issues at the end of the meeting
During the
Meeting
Communication
Strategies
Communication: Listening
Effectively
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Adopt the “Ambassador” Mind-set
 maintain an open mind
 ask questions and listen carefully
 assume others know more than you
 expect and respect differences
 help others pursue their own goals
 always curious, often confused
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Adapted from Murphy (2008)
Communication: Listening
Effectively
Question Starters from the
Ambassador’s Perspective
I’m wondering if….
 Could it be….
 Is it possible that….
 Help me understand how….
 Let me make sure I understand…
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Communication: Listening
Effectively
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Use empathic responding to help
the other feel understood
Restates the main message
 Includes feelings expressed or
implied by the speaker
 Brief
 Does not include your point of view
 Invites the other to keep talking
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Build Empathic Responses
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Main content (what the person said or
implied): ____________________
Affect/Feelings (stated or implied):
_____________________
Combine content and affect into brief
response (paraphrase):
______________________
Add “checkout” (Is that right?), if needed
(invite the other to keep talking)
Empathic Responding
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An example:
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Parent: “My daughter can’t read anything!
Why is reading so hard for her???”
Empathic response from teacher: “You are
very worried about Anna’s progress. [Pause.]
Tell me more about what you are seeing with
reading.”
Teacher speaking to parent:
Your son, Jamal, is not making much
progress in reading. He is probably
going to have great difficulty in
achieving the reading benchmark on
the DSTP this year.
What might the listener be thinking???
Create a Response
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Think carefully about the thoughts and
feelings the individual just stated or
implied.
Try to put yourself in their shoes in order
to understand the core message.
Check to see if you are correct.
•
Possible Response…
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You are worried because Jamal is not doing
as well in reading as you think he should be.
Is that right? [allow response]
Please help me understand what you mean by
benchmarks and DSTP scores.
Communication: Speaking Effectively
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Conversation Stoppers to avoid
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Labeling –
• behavioral adjectives (e.g., lazy, mean)
•
•
diagnoses (e.g., ADHD, LD)
•
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Do not make child a diagnosis
Jargon- eliminate the “ABCs of Education”
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Describe actual behavior
“The IST discussed the DIBELS data and decided to
continue RTI at Tier 3 for the next MP. If that doesn’t
work, an IEP and SCC might be needed because JT is
LD.”
Laundry lists of problems
Leading (“I think you meant to say…”)
Communication: Speaking
Effectively
Strategies to use to model
collaboration:
Validate others’ feelings & views through
empathic responding
 Seek related information
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More details on the problem
 Past solution attempts and their effectiveness
 Ideas considered but not yet tried
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Give related information in a tentative way
(Some families I know…)
 Be specific and clear
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Communication:
Speaking Effectively
First commandment of collaboration-
Ask before you answer!!!
Solicit the other participants’ ideas
before offering your ideas
Do this even when you have valuable
suggestions.
Why? A solution may emerge from the group,
optimizing chances for mutual investment in
change.
“PRAY” for Collaboration
Pause
Reflect & elicit more information
Ask others’ for:
 Opinions (have you noticed this also?)
 Previously tried solutions
 Views on how those ideas worked
 Other ideas that might be tried
 ETC….
You offer your view and any necessary
supporting information
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Communication: Delivering
Difficult Messages
Limit:
Choose no more than one or two negative pieces of
information to be delivered. (Think about the most
important pieces of information the parent needs from
the school.).”
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Be calm and “wondering” in your
presentation.
Wondering, tentativeness, willingness to be wrong,
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Be clear and specific. Cite observable
behaviors instead of judgments.
“Johnny is unmotivated” vs. “Johnny seems to have a
difficulty time getting started on his seat work- especially
if it is math”
Communication: Delivering Difficult
Messages
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Be brief and ask for reaction after a
couple of sentences.
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Do not support your positions with a lot of
examples
Convey confidence (optimism) the
problem can be solved.
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Not me vs. you
But you and me vs. the problem
Delivering Difficult Messages
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Several of your students comes to talk to you
about the field hockey team. They tell you that
the coach, Ms. Howell, has been belittling, crude,
and downright mean to the team. She yells and
calls them fat and lazy.
Your students want to just quit the team, but
they agree that it is ok for you to talk to the
coach about the problem. You are meeting with
the coach.
Create an opening comment to Ms. Howell
that is brief, tentative, objective, optimistic,
and invites continued conversation
Delivering Difficult Messages
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Thank you for meeting with me, Ms.
Howell. I’m worried because a number of
students have come to talk to me about
the field hockey team. They said that they
feel disrespected and discouraged. I know
how hard you are working to help them
improve their game, but it seems like your
message is getting lost. Can you tell me
what you think is happening?
Communication: Receiving
Difficult Messages
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Receiving
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Listen: Actively listen & try to fully understand the concern
Be quiet!
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Understand: Try to understand other person’s goal.
Often just being heard will be enough.
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Clarify: Reflect both content and emotion.
Validate concerns by showing you heard their message.
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Do NOT defend yourself
Concentrate on listening and understanding.
Give yourself time to think.
STOP if you find yourself becoming angry.
During the
Meeting
Keeping Things Moving
When you are facilitating…
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Be sure every person gets to express
views
Use questions judiciously
Summarize before changing topics
Keep an eye on time so that you are able
to move through the entire agenda
ALWAYS interrupt blaming
Blocking Blame
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Validate each person’s position
Refocus the discussion on solutions
Reframe negative attributions
Probe for details using reframes
Summarize to convey understanding of
problem
Stop the process and instruct participants,
then move the discussion FORWARD.
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Adapted from Weiss, H.M.; Ackerman Institute for
the Family
Keeping Things Moving
 When
someone else is
facilitating
 “Guerrilla
Facilitation”
(Wilkinson, 2004)
Keeping Things Moving
PROBLEM:
The meeting starts
without a clear
purpose
ACTION:
Can we stop for a
moment? I may
have missed it, but
I want to be sure I
understand our
purpose for
meeting today so I
can stay focused.
Keeping Things Moving
PROBLEM:
The discussion is
going off in new
directions
unrelated to the
purpose of the
meeting.
ACTION:
This is an excellent
discussion, but I
know we have to
get back to our
main purpose. Can
we write these
things down so we
don’t forget them?
Keeping Things Moving
PROBLEM:
One person is
dominating the
meeting and won’t
be quiet!
ACTION:
I really appreciate
hearing Mr. Smith’s
ideas on this. Are
others seeing this
the same way or
differently?
Keeping Things Moving
PROBLEM:
Decisions are being
made but not
documented
ACTION:
It sounds like we just
made an important
decision. Can
someone repeat it
so I can be sure I
understand and we
can get the
decision recorded
accurately?
Keeping Things Moving
PROBLEM:
The meeting is
ending but follow
up has not been
discussed
ACTION:
This has been a great
meeting. I’m so
grateful for
everyone’s time. I
would hate to leave
without being clear
about what we
decided and what
will happen next.
Can we go over that
for a minute?
During the
Meeting
Productive Use
of Conflict
Conflict
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Conflict arises when there are real or
perceived differences that engender
negative emotion (Lake & Billingsley)
Conflict arises when explicit or implicit
contracts are broken (Lee et al.)
Is Conflict Bad?
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It is inevitable.
It is an opportunity.
Key: how conflict is handled
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Diminish negative outcomes
Develop constructive solutions
Using Conflict Productively
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What happened just before the conflict
emerged?
Have we been “admiring the problem” and
participants are becoming frustrated?
If you are criticized directly…
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DO NOT
o Retaliate
o Dominate
o Isolate (run away)
If you are criticized directly…
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Instead…
o
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o
Stay quiet and THINK
If criticism is justified, agree
If not, ask for specifics
Indicate your understanding of their position, state
your position, and problem solve
Be respectful, listen until you can restate the
other’s position accurately (including emotions),
state your own positions briefly and calmly
Goals in Using Conflict Productively
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Preserve the relationship
Use effective communication skills
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“pause button”
Use effective problem-solving skills
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Identify outcome or goal
Explore varying values and perspectives
Explore options and alternatives
Make a plan
Implement and evaluate
During the
Meeting
Decision Making
(consensus building)
Consensus Building
How do decisions get made?
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Administrative fiat
Voting and majority rule
Compromise
Consensus
Consensus Building
Consensus:
 The
solution is viewed as
acceptable and workable (at
least for a trial period) by ALL
participants.
Consensus Building
Make sure everyone has a
chance to speak and feels
heard
 Remind participants of the
need for “win-win” solutions
 Encourage the expression of
different viewpoints

Consensus Building
Avoid conflict avoidance
techniques
 Negotiate among differing
points of view
 Get an explicit
commitment from all
participants for any
decision
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Consensus Building
Do not forget
who is ultimately
in charge
of decisions!
Ending the
Meeting
Ending the Meeting
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Summarize what has occurred
Clarify decisions made and who is responsible
for what actions (including parking lot issues)
Offer thanks to all participants and
encouragement for following through on
agreements
Determine next steps (e.g., when and how
follow up will occur)
Arrange (or ask) for a summary of the meeting
to be distributed to all participants.
Possible Modifications to
IEP Process
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Preparation questions
More inclusive invitations
“Round robin” format
Building Relationships
One Meeting at a Time
Preparation
Consensus
Communication
Commitment
Building Relationships
One Meeting at a Time
Contact: [email protected]
Thanks for playing!