Transcript Communication and Problem Solving in the Family

Marriage and Family Interaction
HPER F258
Kathleen R. Gilbert, Ph.D.
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Positive relationship between marital
satisfaction and couple’s ability to
communicate
Not lack of communication, per se, but the
quality of communication
◦ Problem if destructive (put-downs, negative
messages)
◦ “Quality not quantity”
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In your small groups, discuss the
following:
◦ What are your thoughts on these two
statements:
 “It is important to be completely honest in a
relationship.”
 “Sometimes, it’s better to ‘skirt the truth’ than to be
completely honest.”
◦ Is there ever a time when it’s better to be
dishonest in a relationship?
◦ How does the relationship recover when a
dishonesty is discovered?
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Ideas, feelings shared with another person
Sent through both channels
Consistent vs. mixed messages
◦ Are channels consistent?
◦ Can become a power thing (“what do you mean I’m
not clear. You’re always saying that!”)
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Person who constructs message and attempts
to send it
Generally what we think of as someone
communicating
May be intentional or unintentional
Arguing with spouse is intentional; children
hearing argument may be unintentional
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Person who receives the message sent by the
sender
Listener (but more active than that)
May be intentional or unintentional receiver
If unintentional, may be no way of clarifying
what was meant
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In order to send message, must first organize
thoughts/gestures/phrasing so that they can
be understood by the receiver
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Receiver makes sense of message by
decoding it into feelings, intentions, and
thoughts that mean something to him or
her
May be difficult because decoder (listener)
filters message through own perceptions
and must cope with the filters of the sender
and the environment
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Two basic forms of information
◦ Cognitive Information
 “thinking part”
◦ Affective Information
 “feeling part”
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In your small groups discuss article #10, “
New Technologies” What are your thoughts
on the use of the internet as a tool for finding
dating and mating partners? What might be
communication strengths and weaknesses of
the internet for this purpose?
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Gender differences
◦ Males tend to focus on cognitive elements
 “Report talk”
 Focus is on problem solving and on end result
 More likely to use communication for competition
◦ Females tend to focus on affective elements
 “Rapport talk”
 Focus is on the process rather than an outcome
 More likely to use communication as a tool for
communication or for advancing the relationship
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Generational/age differences
◦ Power differential is at issue
◦ Differences in ability to communicate
 May speak different first language
 Developmental ability to communicate
 Normal for children—but remember that elderly may have had stroke or
other communication problems
 Content – what is communicated
 Style – how it is communicated
◦ Different colloquial language (slang)
 Used to create and maintain the separateness
◦ Secret language
 Can be used to maintain a separation from others
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Verbal communication (digital)
◦ Think of a digital clock
◦ Spoken words
◦ Can break it into communication “bits”
 Words, phrases
◦ What you would see in a transcript of a
conversation
◦ What is communicated, not how it is
communicated
◦ Only makes up 35% of message (at best)(Satir)
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Non-verbal communication (analogic)
◦ Think of an analogue (face) clock
◦ body language – the messages you
communicate using your body
◦ Paralanguage – tone, phrasing
◦ We can only guess at some of this, much is
implied and approximate
◦ It is impossible to not communicate
 Even silence communicates a message
◦ Most affective communication is done
through non-verbal means
◦ Because it is non-verbal, it is subject to
misinterpretation
◦ How it is communicated, not what is
communicated
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Placater -- pleases, apologizes, never
disagrees, no matter what
Blamer – fault-finder, dictator, boss
who acts superior to others
Computer - very correct, very
reasonable, shows no semblance of
feelings
Distracter - does or says irrelevant
things to whatever anyone else is
saying or doing
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Leveler - straight-forward communication, no
games, verbal and non-verbal communication
is in congruence
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Discuss the form of communication you
saw as you were growing up.
◦ Thinking back to your childhood family, do
you recognize any of the functional or
dysfunctional communication patterns?
◦ Are there other ways of communicating that
you recognize that are not included in Satir’s
categories?
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Four horsemen don’t indicate the end of
the relationship but are warnings
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Attacking someone’s personality or
character rather than a specific behavior,
usually with blame
Often starts with complaining (which can
make marriages stronger) bad when it
becomes overriding focus of
communication or won’t let go of past
transgressions (“gunnysacking”)
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Intention to insult and psychologically
abuse partner, verbal and nonverbal
messages are contemptuous.
Includes negative thoughts about partner.
Focal point of the relationship becomes
abuse (insults and name calling, hostile
humor, mockery, body language)
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Both feel victimized by other and neither
willing to take responsibility for setting
things right.
Both feel innocent, denying responsibility,
making excuses, disagreeing with negative
mind-reading, “cross-complaining,” repeating
themselves
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Go from poor communication to shutting
down
Conveys a message of disapproval, distance
and smugness
Very upsetting for speaker (especially if
stonewaller is a male)
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In order to compensate for their
disproportionate effect, it is necessary to
have a ratio of 5 good interaction elements
to compensate for 1 negative one
◦ Includes verbal and nonverbal elements
 E.g., positive expressions, conciliatory gestures,
really listening
◦ If it lowers below 5 to 1, there are problems
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Hand in to your discussion leader:
◦ Identify one point that you found helpful in
this lecture.
◦ Identify any point that was unclear.