Transcript Couples Communication

Couples Communication
Kim Allen
Director, CASPP
Associate State Extension Specialist
Activity
• Divide into groups
– What makes a good relationship?
– What keeps couples happily attached?
– Do personality characteristics make a
difference in how couples get along? If so,
which ones are important?
– Is what brings people together what keeps
them together?
– Nature or nurture?
Research Overview
• Three names in relationship enhancement:
• Gottman
• Markman and Stanley
John M. Gottman
• Leading researcher on relationship issues
• Co-founder Gottman Institute with wife
Julie
• http://www.gottman.com/about/john_gottm
an/
Gottman & Driver (2004)
• Marital Stability and Divorce prediction
research
• Any guesses what makes a marriage
stable?
Gottman & Driver (2004)
• Goal of study: to see if common positive
events improve humor and affect during
negative events.
• i.e. If I am happy and regularly do fun
things with my spouse, will that have an
effect on how we fight?
Gottman & Driver (2004)
• Two sessions:
• 1st, couples sat facing each other and
were ask to have a conflict discussion
• 2nd session, couples were in an apartment
simulation. Couples spent 24 hours in the
apartment, doing “normal” activities.
Although 12 hours of tape was capture,
the focus in this study was dinnertime
Gottman & Driver (2004)
• Researches noted interactions in three
areas: turning toward (positive), turning
against (negative), turning away (ignore)
• Results: “couples everyday moments
contribute to positive affect during conflict”.
Gottman, Coan, Swanson &
Carrere (1998)
• Study showed that “positive affect during
marital conflict was the only predictor of
both marital stability and marital
satisfaction 6 years after the wedding”
• Humor and affect is also a prominent
characteristic of senior couples still in their
first marriage.
Martin Seligman
• Positive psychology push, which suggests
that the field needs to focus on strengths
rather than weakness.
• Fits into Gottman’s research on positive
affect and problem solving skills.
• As future practitioners, how is this helpful?
Solving Problems
• Marriage interventions often focus on how
to best handle conflict.
• Discussion on handling conflict….
– Think of a couple you know that handles
conflict well
– Think back to how your parents handled
conflict
Conflict
• Research shows that
– Affection during conflict is connected to
marital satisfaction
– Daily moments contribute to affect during
conflict
– When done well, conflict can be very healthy
for couples
Gottman’s Four Horsemen
• Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and
Stonewalling
• Criticism
– Attacking someone’s character rather than
behavior
– Different than complaining
4 Horsemen
• Contempt
– Intention to insult
– Mocking
– Making fun of
4 Horsemen
• Defensiveness
– Denying responsibility
– Making excuses
– Repeating self
• Stonewalling
– Disengaging
– No responding
Stanley and Markman
• Researchers at the University of Denver
Center for Marital and Family Studies
• Created Prevention and Relationship
Enhancement Program
• Author of Fighting for Your Marriage
Stanley & Markman (1997)
• Phone Survey
• Stanley and Markman conducted a phone
survey to 947 adults.
• The goal was to find out the perception of
relationships.
Results
• Most people reported being happy with
their marriage
• Dedication to partner fostered stronger
and happier relationships
• Couples argue most about….
Couples argue most about
• Money
• Followed by
– Children
– Chores
– Career and in-laws
Other contribution to happy
relationships
• Having fun together is a core task, and
most couples report that they have fun
with and consider their spouse their very
good or best friend.
• Division of Chores
– Research shows that the more equitable, the
happier the couple.
– Who does more housework?
Contribution to happy relationships
• Dating, or spending time together to
refresh relationship is important, and most
important during middle years of marriage
• Bonding and sharing common goals and
activities are important to the health of a
relationship.
Things to avoid
• Participants under 35 were much more
likely to have used or received physical
aggression
• Domestic abuse is a serious issue, and
deserves considerable more attention than
we have space for today.
Premarital Counseling
• Couples are much more likely to get
premarital counseling today than in the
past.
• Benefits of premarital counseling are not
easily tracked, but current literature
suggests that those who receive it are less
likely to divorce than others.
Cohabitation
• Couples cohabitate before marriage much
more frequently today than ever before.
– 11% in 1978 vs. 60% in 1998.
• Do you think that is good for the
relationship?
Cohabitation divorce rate
• The divorce rate for those living together
before marriage is significantly higher (by
about 13%). Why?
– Theories include
• Less commitment
• Trial marriage because they are aware of potential
issues already
• View relationship as two individuals rather than as
a couple
Danger Signs in couples
• Danger signs that were identified by
participants included:
– Withdrawal
– Escalation
– Criticism
– Loneliness
– Belittling
– Holding back feelings
– Uneven perceptions
Stanley and Markman (2002)
• Communication, conflict and commitment
are fundamental to relationship success
• Negative communication is linked with
lower relationship satisfaction and higher
rates of divorce
• Negative communication is linked with
thoughts and talk of divorce
Communication
• Skills to develop a safe place, emotionally
and physically, to talk about problems will
help couples succeed.
Stanley & Markman (1997)
• Based on this data, the authors created a
program to help couples improve their
relationship.
• Preventing marital distress and divorce
– is a positive move for families and individuals
– Must focus on factors that all couples have
control over
Research on marriage
• Research on marriage shows that the
interaction between couples is predictive
of outcomes
• Couples who exhibited negative
reciprocity, poor affect management and
withdrawal during conflict where most
likely to be in trouble
Help for couples
• Psychosocial programs are available to
assist couples in relationship
enhancement.
• Prevention programs that reduce risk
factors and increase protective factors is
gaining in popularity.
• These programs raise relationship
awareness, foster change in attitudes and
beliefs, and teach skills.
• “The best things people take from a
marriage education course are how to talk
without fighting, how to open up and
share, how to put on the brakes when
anger begins, and how to come back to
the conversation in a safe, constructive
way, and, they'll have increased
confidence in their relationship."
» Scott Stanley
PREP
• Based on the research surrounding
healthy marriages, Stanley, Markman and
Blumberg created
– Prevention and Relationship Enhancement
Program
– clip
Three important facts about
marriage
• People want strong, thriving happy
marriages
• People and societies benefit from
marriage (can you think of how or
exceptions?)
• American’s are ambivalent about marriage
Markman and Stanley
• To make marriages better couples must
– Feel confident about their relationships
– Understand benefits of success
– Choose good partners
– Increase relationship skills
– Communicate
– Back to back activity
Good Communication
• Key to conflict management:
communication
• Communication activity
– Back to back shape drawing
– What is the breakdown of communication
patterns? (verbal, nonverbal, etc)
Communication
• 7% spoken
• 38% body language and tone of voice
• 55% facial expression
Essential for couples to be aware of
communication style perceptions
“I” messages & speaker listener technique
Marriage Initiatives
• The Federal Government
– New focus on healthy marriages
– $750m in grants over 5 years
– Any concerns?
Oklahoma
• Low income perceptions are very different
that middle class.
• Major initiative
• http://www.okmarriage.org