Transcript Communication in Marriage

Communication in Marriage
Grant Stenzel, MS LCPC
Stenzel Clinical Services, Ltd.
Be quick to listen
slow to speak
and slow to become
angry
~ James 1:19b
Arguing just doesn’t work
What is the definition of insanity?
Trying the same thing over
and over and expecting a
different result
Quick to Listen
A gentle answer turns away
wrath, but a harsh word stirs up
anger.
Proverbs 15:1
• Reflective Listening
• Validating
Role play:
1. Husband comes in late, wife complains
that he is always late. Husband validate
and reflect.
2. Wife starts nit-picking everything the
husband does, husband asks for it to stop.
Wife validate and reflect
Slow to Speak
He who conceals his hatred has
lying lips, and whoever spreads
slander is a fool. When words are
many, sin is not absent, but he who
holds his tongue is wise.
Proverbs 10:18-19
• Positive assertive communication
Positive assertive communication
I feel _____ (emotion)
when you _____ (behavior)
could you_____? (different behavior)
Example
I feel sad when you come home and go
straight for the computer, I would like it if
when you came in you sought me out first.
Role play:
1. Wife you are upset that your husband
never compliments you, and always
criticizes you. Use positive assertive
communication. Husband reflect back.
2. Husband you are upset that your wife
has been very cold lately and not very
affectionate. Now that you think of it, she
has never been affectionate. Use positive
assertive communication. Wife reflect
back.
Slow to Become Angry
A fool shows his annoyance at
once, but a prudent man
overlooks an insult.
Proverbs 12:16
• Choosing our thoughts
• Manage your expectations
Theology Lesson
“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one
who understands; there is no one who seeks God.
All have turned away, they have together become
worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.”
“Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice
deceit.”
“The poison of vipers is on their lips.”
“Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.”
“Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark
their ways, and the way of peace they do not know.”
“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”…
…for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
~ Romans 3:10-18, 23
News Flash
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You spouse is going to sin.
Your spouse is going to sin against you.
Your spouse is going to let you down.
Your spouse is not going to meet your expectations.
Your spouse is not going to fulfill you.
Your spouse is going to have a bad day
Your spouse is going to get moody
Your spouse is going to say mean things to you
Your spouse is not going to meet all of your desires
If you are surprised when your spouse
sins, you have bad theology!
Thou shalt not:
1.
2.
3.
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5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
No name calling
No yelling
No going off topic
No use of the words: “never,”
“always,”
No sarcasm
No mind reading, do not tell the
other person their motive or what
they were thinking
No use of intimidation, threats or
violence
No starting a sentence with “you”
No explaining why, it doesn’t
really matter
10.No “one upping”
11.No minimizing your spouse’s
emotions
12.No attacking your spouse’s
character
13.No responding to a complaint with
your own complaint
14.No repeating over and over the
same thing
15.No generalizing
16.No eye rolling
17.No assuming they are trying to
hurt you
Thou shall:
1. Listen (earn the right to be
9.
heard)
10.
2. Call a time-out when things are
escalating, there is yelling or you 11.
are getting nowhere
12.
3. Come back in 1 hour after the
time-out
13.
4. Be honest
5. Apologize for what you have
done wrong
14.
6. Validate
7. Use reflective listening Start
15.
sentences with I
8. Use positive assertive
communication
Validate emotions
Point out behaviors that you are
unhappy with
Be specific
Remember you love this person
and they love you
Remember your spouse is not
perfect and to expecting them to
be is ludicrous
Treat your spouse the way you
would like to be treated
Give the same grace you would
like to receive
Recommended Books
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrich
The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Proverbs
Table Questions
What was conflict like in your home growing up?
How was it different from your spouse’s?
Do you tend to fight or flight during conflict?
What are some verses you and your spouse
can memorize together that will help in the area
of communication?
Which of the commands will be hardest for you?
If things start getting rough, what is your plan?