Transcript Power Point
The ABC’s of Connecting With the Child of Divorce By Linda Ranson Jacobs Introduction Like a speeding bullet, divorce took aim at the families of America True or False Test If a statement is true, stand up. If you think the statement is false, stay seated Answers • Over a million children a year experience divorce • Nationally 33% of children live in SPF • 27% of single parents live in poverty • 40% of single moms - least 40 yrs of age • 5% of spf attend church (child continues to try & attend) To say “Hello” to one parent Means I have to say, “Goodbye” to the other parent Again and again for years Thought provoking questions The Alex Story • A - They need your Attention • B - Understand their Brains • C - They need Connections “They are just acting like that to get attention!!!!!!!” Hardwired to connect Why are we having so many out of control children? Developed the Commission on Children At Risk • Research report co-sponsored by YMCA of the USA, Dartmouth Medical School, and the Institute for American Values. • Prepared by the Commission for Children at Risk, a panel of 33 leading children’s doctors, neuroscientists, research scholars, and youth service professionals. The cause of this crisis of is…. A lack of Connectedness – close connections to other people – deep connections to moral and spiritual meaning Divorce brings changes • • • • • • Loss of family & two parents Loss of people Loss of sense of well-being Lifestyle change Loss of church / religious beliefs Loss of home life Elizabeth Marquardt research • • • • • Worry about their stuff Wonder about religion Become “chameleons” Vigilant about parental moods Subsequent remarriage &/or significant others Where does the child belong “One Child, Two Homes” From Thriving Family Magazine Focus on the Family Short-term legacy • Intense stress • Overwhelming emotions • Constant fear about safety • Difficulty completing task • Academic problems Understanding the legacy • Fear about safety • Behavior problems • Regression to younger habits • Total confusion Long-term legacy • • • • • • • Anxiety Lower psychological well-geing Depression / suicide Delinquency in teen years Addictive behaviors Poverty Pulling away from God as adults B-Understanding their brains Brain Stem Limbic Cortex Brain stem - fight, flight or freeze Limbic - about feelings Explaining emotions Unconscious part of the brain What if you had the capacity to pour in God’s Word Cortex - think logically, make choices, etc. Activate mirror neurons • Kids mimic your expressions • “Mirror neurons show you what it’s like to experience what others do” (Bruce Perry, Born for Love) • Mirror neurons at work - “Have a good day.” C - Connections • • Relationship is of utmost importance Get to know each child Learn last names - all last names Communicate regularly • Josh’s story Rituals • Rituals are points of connections • Why rituals need to be replaced • Rituals are not routines • What messages do unhealthy rituals send Reach out through rituals • Greeting • Good-Bye • Birthdays The Chad Story Other ways to connect • Model spiritual mannerisms • Provide curriculum for the child of divorce • Strengthen marriages • Educate church leaders / volunteers about the child of divorce What adult children of divorce tell us • Have trust issues • Have faith issues • Perception of Bible stories are skewed The wounded need a hospital/church • Wounds need healing from the inside out • We put a cast on the arm when the heart is broken Pastoral Helps Pray for the children’s comfort Teach your church to pray Teach your members to mentor Bible lessons of relevance are needed • Can’t understand Heavenly Father concept • Don’t sugar coat Bible lessons - tell the true story of dysfunctional families Solution strategies • Christ - centered curriculums • Moment by moment crisis • Long-term commitment Hardwired study • Uses lay leadership • Is multi-generational • Allows for dignity The New Testament Church is what the child of divorce needs in today’s world If it takes a village to raise a child then that village for the child of divorce is the church. “Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.” Deuteronomy 32:2 (NIV)