Transcript Th-62 Using Your Words – Perfecting Business Writing Skills

Using Your Words
Perfecting Business Writing
Skills
Jamie Labriola
Staff Develop Coordinator
Ventura County
Using Your Words
WE NEED SOME NEW JARGON,
THE PUBLIC ARE STARTING TO
UNDERSTAND WHAT WE’RE
TALKING ABOUT!
Objectives
During this training, we will cover:
 Business writing guidelines
 Best practices
 Interactive writing quiz
Business Writing
Be Prepared!
Purpose
 Persuade to action
 Issue a directive
 Provide information
Audience
Audience
 Primary
 Secondary
 Hidden
Audience
Audience

“I want you to take on this new assignment
because you are the only person in the office
who knows how to do some of these
processes.”

“I want you to take on this new assignment
because it will give you a chance to
contribute to the success of others.”
Audience

“I really want this new assignment because I
have always wanted to work with Ted– he
always makes me laugh.”

“I really want this new assignment because I
have improved practice indicators for my
work unit by an average of six percent in the
last year and I want the chance to use that
experience on the new team.”
Message
??
Clarity
 Never use a long word when a short one will do
 If you don’t need a word, cut it.
 “A wealth of information creates a poverty of
attention.”
Clarity
“The most valuable of all talents is that of never
using two words when one will do.”
- Thomas Jefferson
Redundancy
Word Pairs
Modifiers
Attributes
Full and complete
A true fact
Red in color
First and foremost
Immediate vicinity
Small in size
Hope and trust
Personal opinion
Attractive in
appearance
Each and every
one
Past memories
Long in length
Any and all
End result
Few and far
between
Free gift
So on and so forth
Terrible tragedy
Redundancy
Parenthetical Numerals
Ms. Smith has
three (3) child
support cases, all
with the Ventura
office.
Written requests
for outside
employment must
be submitted to
the Department
Director for all
outside
employment in
excess of eight (8)
hours per week.
There were two (2)
child support
employees and six
(6) customers in
the lobby at the
time of the
incident..
Clarity
 Never use foreign
phrases, technical
terms, unnecessary
abbreviations, or
any kind of jargon
 Avoid “text-speak”,
emoticons, and
overly casual
expressions
Be Efficient
pro·lix·i·ty
prō-ˈliks-(ə-)tē
noun
the use of too many words to
express an idea
Make Your Point
I suggest that we
investigate various
possibilities in the
realm of allocating
scarce resource
scenarios as a
protective measure
for the day when high
success probability
will enable favorable
opportunity costs.
I think we should
explore some other
options while we wait
for the timing to be
better.
Make Your Point
The various
implications of
these synergistic
interactions seems
to be in harmony
with viable
decision
strategies.
I think it is a good
idea.
Make Your Point
Our current goal is to
restructure vertical
and horizontal
relationship
hierarchies as an everincreasing side effect
while growing
potential for action
exponentially toward
the statistical horizon.
I have no idea what
I’m talking about, but
I don’t want you to
know that.
Make Your Point
 Limit “businessspeak”
buzzwords
 Don’t
complicate/hide
your message
Make Your Point
 Tailor level of detail to
audience
 Locate main idea in the
first sentence (or first
paragraph)
“When we have a Stip, Order, Default, etc., which requires signature by the Commissioner, we either send it over to the
Commissioner (Default or Stip) or it remains there after court (Stip/Judgment) for signature. Then it goes in their outbox and the
family law clerk comes up to get it eventually. Myra told me it’s not uncommon for those to sometimes sit for days or a week
without being picked up for processing because the family law clerk doesn’t always come daily. The clerk then copies it, conforms
a copy for us, updates the info in FACTS and then send the conformed copy back here. Once we get the order here we can enter it
in CSE and open accounts. So there are delays built into the time it takes to get signed by the Commissioner, sits waiting for
pickup and then processing time by the clerk over there. The number of days it took us to get that order isn’t strictly impacted by
this because the count will stop at the Judge Signed Date, so that’s ok. But the number of days it takes us to get a payment is
impacted by the delays over at court because we can’t open accounts and collect, even with a known employer, until our copy of
the order arrives back here. I think it can be up to a month sometimes to get an order back here. Have we ever explored the idea
of housing a court clerk here to do all that in house so that we could bring back our own signed orders immediately and process
them info FACTS here? It seems like even in addition to that work there would be lots of other clerical processing into FACTS that
clerk could do here directly for us which would benefit us because they would have FACTS access that our own legal assistants
don’t have. It would be interesting to know the number of days we could gain toward beginning to bring in collections if we could
process those here daily?”
“Currently the only document that the legal assistant scans and uploads immediately to CSE is the S&C in case NP comes in to be
served. OEXs/Contempts are filed by the legal assistant, and then sent to Central Scan to upload. It can take weeks for the filed
copy to appear in CSE. If the NP comes into the office meanwhile and we want to serve him we need to go back to the legal
assistant to create a duplicate of that filed copy which involves interrupting his work, the legal assistant must research ARMS to
see when the document was filed, etc., so it can be recreated exactly and by the same legal assistant who filed the initial one.
Additionally, when PLSS emails us that they couldn’t serve the OEX/Contempts and there is still time to effect service so we don’t
love the court date, we try to locate NP for service again. If we convince NP to come in, we have to recreate the document to
serve because it isn’t in CSE. Sometimes we find NP in jail or court where we don’t use PLSS for service, but they have the only
filed copy of our document. I have to go to PLSS’s website to download a copy of our own document that we sent them to serve
and then email it to CSP to serve at court or jail. I believe that it would actually be quicker for the legal assistant to scan the
document on their desktop scanner and associate it to the case in CSE than the time that it currently takes for the legal assistant
to work that same document in the Central Scan pile to scan and prepare it to go up to Central Scan and then wait a few weeks for
it to show up in CSE. If they are going to scan and prepare the document to go up to Central Scan to be associated with the case,
why don’t we just scan it immediately when it’s filed and they are in the case on CSE so it’s available to anyone who has the
opportunity to serve it rather than having to create the document a second time. I think this would save a lot of time and be more
efficient.”
Strike the Right Tone
• “Would you please return the document to me
by Friday?”
• “Return the document by Friday.”
• “Please return by Friday.”
• “NEED BY FRIDAY-THX”
Strike the Right Tone
• “Scrooge, Inc. will not award holiday bonuses
due to the recent decline in profits.”
• “Unfortunately, due to the recent decrease in
sales, Scrooge, Inc. will not award bonuses this
year. However, we want to thank you, as
always, for your outstanding contributions and
invite you to our annual holiday party.”
Sentence Structure
 Use mostly short, simple sentences
 Vary structure for audience/purpose
 Parallel structure for series
Sentence Structure
Parallel Structure
“To improve communication, I suggest
• meetings conducted once a week
• hold conference calls each month
• I’d recommend budget reports to be
produced every quarter.”
Sentence Structure
Passive
Active
“The net profits were
grossly overestimated.”
“The finance team grossly
overestimated the net
profits.”
“The demographic was
oversaturated by an
additional 15,000
brochures.”
“The marketing group
oversaturated the
demographic by an
additional 15,000
brochures.”
Sentence Structure
“Mistakes were made….
Fortunately the passive
voice came to our rescue.”
Finish Strong
 Restate action items:
“I will need your decision by Tuesday to ensure
the binders are ready for the meeting next week.”

 Explain next steps

“Once I receive your forms back, I will review them
and respond to you within two business days.”
 State your position

“Based on these circumstances, I feel that we
should move forward with the reorganization.”
Proofreading

Cut and paste errors

Spell check errors
“Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.”
Proofreading
Program MS Word to
avoid common
autocorrect issues

HAS instead of HSA

File > Options >
Proofing >
Autocorrect Options
Formatting

Graphics

Headings

Blank space

Bulleted lists
Formatting
Font
“This reprimand is issued for inefficiency, neglect
of duty, and acts incompatible with public service.”
“If you fail to appear, we will refer
your case for legal action.”
“I just don’t understand why my
ideas aren’t taken seriously!”
Which sentence is written correctly?
A.
B.
C.
The field name was
“Employee”.
The field name was
“Employee.”
Don’t Know
Commas and periods always go
inside quotation marks.
Which sentence is written correctly?
a.
b.
c.
We will meet with all Associates and
their Managers on Monday to discuss
the Year-End Report and Company
Budget.
We will meet with all associates and
their managers on Monday to discuss
the Year-End Report and the Company
Budget.
We will meet with all associates and
their managers on Monday to discuss
the year-end report and company
budget.
Do not capitalize the names of
positions within the company
unless they precede the person’s
name (“President Jacobs”) or
follow the name in the address or
closing of a letter. Do not
capitalize words that are not
names of one specific thing, as in
“2010 DCSS Year-End Report.”
Which sentence is written correctly?
a. Their software turned out to be the best;
by far.
b. Their software turned out to be the best;
I recommend it.
c. Both are correct.
Use a semicolon only when there is
a complete sentence before the
semicolon and a complete
sentence after it.
Which sentence is written correctly?
A. Give us the following data;
employee addresses, employment
history, and current salaries.
B. Give us the following data:
employee addresses, employment
history, and current salaries.
C. Give us the following data,
employee addresses, employment
history, and current salaries.
Use colons when you have finished
the sentence and are adding
information after the colon that
explains a word or idea in the
sentence. Do not use a semicolon
for a comma.
Which sentence is written correctly?
a. Come to the meeting with your notes
about the upcoming conference, the
outreach plans for next year and the
journal ad.
b. Come to the meeting with your notes
about the upcoming conference, the
outreach plans for next year, and the
journal ad.
c. Come to the meeting with, your notes
about the upcoming conference, the
outreach plans for next year and the
journal ad.
While the practice was to leave
out the comma before “and” in a
series, business writers now put it
in because it makes the list
clearer.
Which sentence is correct?
a. The company has four real issues that include:
increasing market share, locating a source for
more labor, decreasing operating expenses, and
locating a suitable CEO.
b. The company has four real issues that include
increasing market share, locating a source for
more labor, decreasing operating expenses, and
locating a suitable CEO.
c. The company has four real issues: increasing
market share, locating a source for more labor,
decreasing operating expenses, and locating a
suitable CEO.
d. The company has four real issues, increasing
market share, locating a source for more labor,
decreasing operating expenses, and locating a
suitable CEO.
Use a colon only when the sentence
is complete and you are adding
information. Don’t use “include”
because the reader wonders what
you’re not including and why.
Which of the following is correct?
a. The jury is at odds over the verdict.
b. The jury are at odds over the verdict.
c. Don’t Know
A collective noun is a single word that
stands for a group of people, like “family,”
“committee,” or “jury.” Use the plural verb
for a collective noun when the members
act as individuals, as in “Our family live in
different parts of the country.” Use a
singular verb when the group acts as a
unit, as in “Our family is named ‘Johnson.’”
Which sentence is correct?
a. Every manager in a business today is
held responsible for his or her
employees’ activities.
b. Every manager in a business today is
held responsible for their employees’
activities.
c. Every manager in a business today is
held responsible for his employees’
activities.
Do not use plurals such as “they” and
“their” to stand for one person. That
is acceptable in spoken English, but
not in written English.
Which sentence is correct?
a. Layton Enterprises is able to provide
complete tool services, and provides the
services in a timely fashion.
b. Layton Enterprises is able to provide
complete tool services and provides the
services in a timely fashion.
c. Layton Enterprises is able to provide
complete tool services and it provides the
services in a timely fashion.
Put a comma before “and” when the
“and” joins two compound sentences.
Do not put a comma if the clause
after the “and” has no subject.
Which sentence is correct?
a. He asked, “Where is the loading
dock?”
b. This product would sell better if it
weren’t named ‘Flysoup.’
c. Both are correct.
Use single quotation marks only
when you are quoting within a
quotation. Otherwise, always use
double quotation marks.
Which sentence is correct?
a.
b.
c.
I would like to see us increase
production - without decreasing quality until we match demand.
I would like to see us increase
production -- without decreasing quality - until we match demand.
I would like to see us increase
production--without decreasing quality-until we match demand.
Do not use a hyphen (short line -) for a
dash. The dash is a line about twice the
length of a hyphen. In Word, if you type
two hyphens in a row, the “autocorrect”
function will change them to a dash. If you
use a dash, do not put blank spaces
before and after the dash.
Which sentence is correct?
a.
b.
c.
Printing will have to move its
label to the top of the box.
Printing will have to move it’s
label to the top of the box.
The softwares manuals weren’t
included with the product.
Use apostrophes to show
possession. However, do not use
an apostrophe with possessive
pronouns such as “its” and “his.”
“It’s” is a contraction for “it is.”
Which sentence is correct?
a.
b.
c.
d.
The shipment included 13
fewer cartons than we had
ordered and was four days
late.
The shipment included 13
fewer cartons than we had
ordered and was 4 days late.
The shipment included thirteen
fewer cartons than we had
ordered and was four days
late.
Both a) and c) are correct.
Spell out numbers from one through
nine unless they are used in
calculations, graphs, or explanations
containing other numbers that are not
spelled out. You may spell out
numbers from ten through ninety-nine
or use numerals. Use numerals for
numbers larger than ninety-nine.
Choose the sentence that is acceptable in business
writing today.
a.
b.
c.
d.
e.
We try to keep the software with
the boxes they came in.
The trucker decided to
cautiously move the boxes to the
other side to redistribute the
load.
The text matched the document
for which we were searching.
All are acceptable.
None are acceptable.
Business writers are now putting
prepositions at the end of sentences
and splitting infinitives. However,
many would still say that (a) and (b)
are incorrect. To avoid a problem, you
might simply change them to satisfy
the critics, but you wouldn’t be wrong if
you wrote them as they are.
Which sentence is correct?
a.
b.
c.
We can not allocate resources to
this project and you can not
require us to do so.
We cannot allocate resources to
this project and you cannot
require us to do so.
We cannot allocate resources to
this project and you shouldn’t
ask us to do so.
You must spell “cannot” without the
space. Don’t use “cannot” or “can”
instead of “should.” The person can
ask you to allocate the resources,
but shouldn’t.
Which sentence is correct?
a.
b.
c.
I feel badly about missing the
meeting.
You performed very good in the
presentation.
I performed badly because I was
watching television while I was
studying.
“Feel” is a linking verb. That means that
what follows it modifies the subject of the
sentence, not the verb. An “ly” word that
modifies is an adverb; it modifies the
verb. As a result, if you write “I feel
badly,” the “badly” refers to the verb,
“feel.” It means your sense of touch is
bad. You want to describe something
about the subject, “I,” so don’t put the “ly”
on “bad.”
Which sentence is correct?
a.
b.
c.
d.
Freida located the data,
however it was useless.
We concluded, therefore, that
we would have to start over.
However, all wasn’t lost
because we did have the
original records.
Both b) and c) are correct.
You must not join two sentences
with “however.” Put a semicolon or
period at the end of the first
sentence and begin the next
sentence with “however” and a
comma. Make sure the two clauses
are complete sentences, however.
Which sentence is correct?
a.
b.
c.
The company went public on
January 6, 1999, and was out of
business in July 1999.
The company went public in
January, 1999, and was out of
business in July, 1999.
The company went public on
January 6, 1999 and was out of
business in July, 1999.
Do not put a comma between the
month and the year when just the two
appear together. Put a comma
before and after the year when you
place the year with the month and
continue the text after the year: “We
hired her on January 10, 2002, and
promoted her in August 2003.”
Which sentence is correct?
a.
b.
c.
After a long absence he returned
to the company.
Against the back wall, was the
panel we had been searching
for.
When the project is finished, we
will talk about another.
Put a comma after an introductory
element to let the reader know the
sentence is starting. In this question,
“he returned” is the actual sentence;
“After a long absence” is an
introductory element that comes
before the sentence. It needs a
comma at “absence, he.”
Which of the following is correct?
a.
b.
c.
d.
The cost was $49.00 but the
company gave us a bulk
discount.
We found about 4,000 of the
staples in a box.
This shipment will contain 3
million rings.
The salary increase came to
only $.75 for most employees.
If the dollar amount is in whole dollars, do
not put .00 at the end. For approximate
numbers, spell out the number (four
thousand). For numbers with million and
billion, write the numeral for the number
and the word “million” or “billion.” For
dollar amounts less than $1, write the
number and cents (75 cents).
Which would follow this beginning correctly:
To finish this project on time, we will
have to
a. hire a qualified technician.
b. purchase the equipment.
c. John has to be assigned to it.
d. Money.
e. Both a) and b) are correct.
f.
None are correct.
The items in a list must have the
same structure. Since the writer is
using verbs (hire, purchase), all
items must begin with verbs (hire,
purchase, assign, allocate).
Which of the following sentences uses “which” and
“that” correctly?
a.
b.
c.
This is the company which
recommended the software that we
can examine when you are ready.
This is the company that
recommended the software, which
we can examine when you are
ready.
This is the company that
recommended the software that we
can examine when you are ready.
Use “which” preceded by a comma when
the information that follows the “which”
could be taken out of the sentence; it is
just extra information. Use “that” with no
comma when the information that follows
“that” is critical to understanding the
word(s) that preceded it.
Sources:
Effective Writing: Prune those patterns of redundancy, wordiness. Minneapolis-St. Paul Star
Tribune, Stephen Wilbers, October 14, 2007
American Legal English, 2nd Edition, 2007. Debra S. Lee, J.D., Charles Hall, and Susan M.
Barone
Legal Writing 201: 30 Suggestions to Improve Readability, Judge Mark P. Painter
Loyola University, Writing Across the Curriculum, http://www.loyno.edu/wac/business-writing
Alison Green, “Ask a Manager”, 05/09/13, How to Help an Employee Become Less LongWinded, http://www.askamanager.org/topics
10 Steps to Successful Business Writing, Jack E. Appleman, ASTD Press
Grammar Girl: Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing, http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/
Ten Tips for better Business Writing, Helen Coster, http://www.forbes.com/fdc/welcome_mjx.shtml
The Business Writing Center, http://www.writingtrainers.com/
Audience Analysis: Primary, Secondary, and Hidden Audiences, Writing Commons, Deedra
Wollert Hiciman
10 Steps to Successful Business Writing, Jack E. Appleman, ASTD Press
Grammar Girl: Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing, http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/
Ten Tips for better Business Writing, Helen Coster, http://www.forbes.com/fdc/welcome_mjx.shtml
The Business Writing Center, http://www.writingtrainers.com/
Going Granular on Online Business Jargon, John Rampton, 01/05/2015,
http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnrampton/2015/01/05/going-granular-on-online-business-jargon/
Quiz adapted from www.businesswriting.com
Jamie Labriola
[email protected]
805-437-8116
Thank you!