Transcript Slide 1

Revision means re-seeing.
It asks us to look again.
Revisers see their writing from
a broad perspective.
And in terms of detail.
Revisers see their work from a
reader’s perspective.
They convey the whole picture.
Inexperienced revisers see
their meaning clearly.
They feel the full
pull and play
of the action.
They understanding
the complexity
of the argument.
...in their own minds
However, their audience
may encounter the
writing as unclear
and unfocused,
or as a set of minimal
and
disconnected
ideas.
Without clarity of vision, some
readers may simply reconstruct
meaning for themselves.
.
Or
they
may
not
read at all.
Writer Based Prose
Discovery
Discovery
Draft 1
Shaping
Draft 2
Gathering
Draft 3
Organizing
Draft 4
Limiting
Draft 5
Product
Draft 7
Reader Based Prose
Editing
Draft 6
More Experienced Writers
Revise to Reach Readers
Product
Purpose
Writer
Reader
They Revise Globally
They Are Concerned With
Unity of Purpose
Check purpose statement.
Thesis
Phrase the most important
point in a working thesis.
Cut everything that doesn't
clearly relate to the central
purpose.
As a new draft emerges,
revisers work on developing
points that relate to the main
idea.
They may return to discovery
strategies, explore journalist
questions, and conduct further
research.
Global Revision
Check Focus and Authority
Create Effective Lead
Consider Chosen Genre or Rhetorical Mode
Check Organization
Consider Pace and Proportion
Develop Key Ideas
Check in with Reader Perspective
Check Voice and Tone
Check for Effective Conclusion
Check for Effective Lead
Capture Reader Attention
Focus Readers on the Subject
Establish Expectations
My grandfather died when I was a small boy, and my
grandmother started staying with us for about six months every
year. She lived in a room that doubled as my father’s office,
which we referred to as “the back room.” She carried with her a
powerful aroma. I don’t know what kind of perfume she used,
but it was the double-barrel, ninety-proof, knock-down, renderthe-victim-unconscious, moose-killing variety. She kept it in a
huge atomizer and applied it frequently and liberally. It was
almost impossible to go into her room and remain breathing for
any length of time. When she would leave the house to go
spend six months with my Aunt Lillian, my mother and sisters
would throw open all the windows, strip the bed, and take out
the curtains and rugs. Then they would spend several days
washing and airing things out, trying frantically to make the
pungent odor go away.
This, then, was my grandmother at the time of the infamous
pea incident.
FROM: A Plate of Peas
A story from NPR’s National Story Project
By Rick Beyer
Over the past three decades, organized sports for children have
increased dramatically in the United States. And though many adults
regard Little League Baseball and Peewee Football as a basic part of
childhood, the games are not always joyous ones. When overzealous
parents and coaches impose adult standards on children’s sports, the
result can be activities that are neither satisfying nor beneficial to
children.
I am concerned about all organized sports activities for children
between the ages of six and twelve. The damage I see results from
non-contact as well as contact sports, from sports organized locally
as well as those organized nationally. Highly organized competitive
sports such as Peewee Football and Little league Baseball are too
often played to adult standards, which are developmentally
inappropriate for children and can be both physically and
psychologically harmful. Furthermore, because they eliminate many
children from organized sports before they are ready to compete,
they are actually counterproductive for developing either future
players or fans. Finally because they emphasize competition and
winning, they unfortunately provide occasions for some parents and
coaches to place their own fantasies and needs ahead of children’s
welfare.
Excerpted from: “Children Need to Play, Not Compete”
By Jessica Statsky
As published in The St. Martin’s Guide to Writing
Check Organization
Create a Rough Outline of the Draft
Consider Pace and Proportion
Develop Key Ideas
Check for Effective Conclusion
Some Concluding Strategies:
~Framing: mirrors the style and/or continues the story
begun in the lead
~Looping Back: refers to story or character
introduced in the lead
~Summarizing: uses a transitional phrase to summarize
the main idea and purpose of the essay. Avoids
worn phrases like “in conclusion,” “in summary,” “in
closing”
~Emphasizing: employs a quotation or repeated element
to bring home the main idea
~Issuing a call to action: asks readers to act
~Pointing to the future: prompts readers to think or
study further
Experienced Writers Also
Revise Locally
Revisers Make Every Word
Count
Some Syntax Revision Strategies:
~Tighten
~Avoid Redundancy
Choose Repetition
~Design Effective Sentences
Tightening
Tightening means:
~cutting unnecessary words
~making every word work
~keeping it clear and simple
Tightening:
Cutting Unnecessary Words
Look for the following empty words and phrases
when editing:
along the lines of—like
as a matter of fact—in fact
at all times—always
at the present time—currently
at this point in time—now
because of the fact that—because
by means of—by
by virtue of the fact that—because
due to the fact that—because
for the purpose of—for
in light of the fact that—because
prior to, in anticipation of—before
until such time as—until
with regard to—about
for the reason that—because
have the ability to–-be able to
inform us of the fact that—tell
in the nature of—like
in order to—to
in spite of the fact that—although,
though
in the event that—if
in the final analysis—finally
in the neighborhood of—about
in this world of today—today
it is important that, it is necessary
that—must
on the occasion of—when
Strategies for Tightening
One way to tighten is to combine several short
sentences into one sentence. How might you
combine the following sentences into one
sentence?
Last weekend I saw a science fiction film. Three
friends went with me. The film focused on the
experiments of a mad doctor. He altered his
patients' lives by manipulating their dreams.
(32 words)
Tightening:
Combining Sentences
Last weekend three friends and I saw a science
fiction film in which a mad doctor altered his
patients' lives by manipulating their dreams.
(24 words)
Tightening:
Make Words Work
Look for words that do not pull their
own weight.
Where possible, use verb forms instead
of noun forms.
Activity
He is a man who is never on time.
It is the breed of dog that is prone to hip
problems.
Defense counsel made an objection to the
prosecution's question.
The implementation of the plan was successful.
Activity
He is a man who is never on time.
He is never on time.
It is the breed of dog that is prone to hip
problems.
That breed of dog is prone to hip problems.
Hip problems plague that breed.
Defense counsel made an objection to the
prosecution's question.
Defense counsel objected to the prosecution’s question.
The implementation of the plan was successful.
The plan was successfully implemented.
The committee successfully implemented their plan.
Tightening:
Eliminate Weak Verbs
Reduce over-reliance on the ‘to be’ verb forms.
Fix these sentences by replacing “to be” verbs with
active verbs.
There were several boys on the team who got
caught drinking and were kicked off.
It is this kind of sentence that drives grammarians
crazy.
Tightening:
Eliminate Weak Verbs
There were several boys on the team who got
caught drinking and were kicked off by the coach.
The coach kicked several boys off the team for
drinking.
It is this kind of sentence that drives grammarians
crazy.
This kind of sentence drives grammarians crazy.
Tightening: Make the Agent
the Subject of the Sentence
Make these sentences active:
The decision to fire him was handed down
by the committee.
He was rejected.
Good:
The committee handed down the decision to
fire him.
Even better:
The committee decided to fire him.
Good:
Simon rejected him, saying his music was
lousy.
Tightening:
Verbs, Nothing but the Verbs
Always pick the most precise and accurate verb
possible. Eliminate adverbs when possible.
He ran down the street.
He ran quickly/slowly down the street.
He walked across the field.
He walked quickly/slowly across the field.
What verb might you use to replace “ran quickly/slowly”
and “walked quickly/slowly”?
Tightening:
Verbs, Nothing but the Verbs
He ran quickly/slowly down the street.
Fast: sprinted, dashed, zoomed, galloped, flew,
sped, raced
Medium: loped, cantered, skipped
Slow: jogged, trotted
He walked quickly/slowly down the street.
Examples: trudged, strolled, promenaded., minced,
slogged, paraded, marched, goose-stepped
Tightening:
Present Participles
Use present participles to modify a noun or
pronoun:
Ignoring his sister, and stepping on one of my
feet, Charles repeated his questions.
She leaned forward attentively, listening to Saul
Bird, trying to understand what he was saying.
Honoring “The Boss,” R.E.M.’s Michael Stipe sang
his favorite Springsteen song at the concert.
Activity
Combine each of the following groups of short
sentences into single sentences using present
participles.
He felt something in his blood.
It warmed.
It opened.
It came to life in arrogant protestation.
He turned up the driveway of his own house.
He held on to the gate for support.
Combine each of the following groups of short
sentences into single sentences using present
participles.
He felt something in his blood, warming,
opening, coming to life in arrogant protestation.
He turned up the driveway of his own house,
holding onto the gate for support.
Activity
Compose a sentence of your own using a
present participle. Beware, however, the
dangling participle (i.e. a participle with no
noun to modify or one that modifies the
wrong noun).
Bad Example: Erasing the blackboards, the lights
were turned off and the classroom locked.
Tightening: Past Participles
A past participle is like the form of the verb that
will fit in the slot, “Often I have ____.”
Seated behind an elevated desk in the highceilinged courtroom, Judge Rothwax does not look
at all pleased.
Her eyes, lost in the fatty ridges of her face,
looked like two pieces of coal pressed into a lump
of dough.
Activity
Combine these sentences into one sentence using
a past participle.
It vanished.
It was sucked into invisibility like a match flame.
That highway over there is in good condition.
It is over six hundred centuries old.
Martians built it.
It vanished, sucked into invisibility like a
match flame.
That highway over there, built by Martians
over six hundred years ago, is in good
condition.
Activity
Create a sentence of your own using a past
participle. Beware the dangling participle.
Bad Example: Dazed by their own success,
the game was splendid display of school
spirit.
Tightening:
Nominative Absolutes
A nominative absolute is a free modifier consisting
of a noun plus either an adjective, a participle, or
another noun in apposition.
They sat together in the classroom, when they
came to class, their arms folded, their eyes beady
and undefeated.
In the central parade ground sat General Pushkopf,
his chest glittering.
Activity
Combine each of the following groups of short sentences
into single sentences using nominative absolutes.
It was old Ginny.
Her hair was bound up in big purple rollers.
Her nylons were rolled tightly around her knees.
Mary Birke sat next to the pool.
Her eyes were bloodshot.
Her feet were dangling in the water.
It was old Ginny, hair bound up in big purple
rollers, nylons rolled tightly around her knees.
Eyes bloodshot, feet dangling in the water, Mary
Birke sat next to the pool.
Now, create your own sentence using
nominative absolutes.
Tightening: Appositives
An appositive is a noun or noun phrase that
parenthetically re-names another noun (or
pronoun) in a sentence.
There they were in the flesh, the Rolling Stones,
ultimate personification of all our notions and
fantasies and hopes for rock and roll.
The manager, a thin laconic Frenchman, came to
meet her.
Activity
Combine each of the following groups of short sentences
into single sentences using appositives.
The busboy cleared the table.
He was a clumsy, unkempt freshman.
This was none other than Alunia Alunosna.
This was the shopkeeper’s daughter.
This was a prostitute with a look of exultation on her timid
face.
The busboy, a clumsy, unkempt freshman,
cleared the table.
This was none other than Alunia Alunosna, the
shopkeeper’s daughter, a prostitute with a look
of exultation on her timid face.
Compose a sentence of your own using an
appositive.
Tightening:
Eliminate Redundancy
Check for repeated words, phrases, or ideas.
Redundancy is bad.
Repetition is good.
Repetition is Often the Product
of Generalization
I had to get to my tournament. I went to
my tournament and ended up qualifying
first. That just made the day so much
better than what it already was. I was the
top qualifier.
Anon.
Finishing as the tournament’s top qualifier
ended my day on a high note.
(13 words)
Weak Repetition May Signal a
Need to Develop with Specifics
I had to get to my tournament. I went to my tournament
and ended up qualifying first. That just made the day so
much better than what it already was. I was the top
qualifier.
Revised
The ball sailed from the tee. Hooking slightly left, just as
I’d planned, it landed beyond the flag, bounced once, and
rolled the two inches back into the eighteenth hole.
Finishing as the tournament’s top qualifier ended my day
on a high note.
Weak Repetition May Signal a
Need to Tighten for Clarity
Activity : This paragraph contains many
unnecessary words. How might you revise it?
Juliet and Rosalind are women who fall in love. This is one of the
few similarities between these two characters. They are different
in age, with Juliet being an impetuous adolescent and Rosalind
being a mature adult. This difference is illustrated by the manner
in which each character falls in love. Juliet rushes into romance
and gets married as quickly as possible while Rosalind makes sure
of her love for Orlando--a much more rational and logical choice
than Juliet's.
(80 words)
One of the few similarities between Juliet and
Rosalind is that they both fall in love; but Juliet
rushes into romance while Rosalind makes sure of
her love for Orlando. Juliet is an impetuous
adolescent; Rosalind is a mature adult.
(39 words)
Repetition Can Be Boring
The rooms used for the birthing process of yesteryear sure
do differ from the rooms of today. According to my mother
there were actually two different rooms in which she had to
be in, compared to the one combination, labor and delivery
rooms of today. One room consisting of a bed, an end table
and a couple of chairs was used for the labor process. The
purpose of this room was for the dilation or opening of the
cervix to 8 centimeters and then being transported to a
delivery room where upon reaching 10 centimeters the
child is born. The delivery room in which I was born was
brightly lit and had several delivery tables, several chairs
and a mirror.
Anon
(130 words)
According to my mother, the delivery
rooms of yesteryear sure do differ from
modern birthing accommodations. In her
day, the expectant woman labored on a
hospital bed in a semi-private area. Upon
dilating, nurses transferred her to a thinly
covered metal table in a brightly lit,
surgically sterile delivery room.
(50 words)
Revisers Pay Attention To
Repetition
Use Repetition
Consciously
Rather than Unconsciously
Repetition Can Strengthen
Writing
Persuade
Create Rhythm
Emphasize
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out
the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be selfevident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one
day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the
sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at a
table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state
of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice
and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and
justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a
nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but
by the content of their character. I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose
governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of
interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation
where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands
with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters
and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day
every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be
made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked
places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be
revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope.
The Negro Speaks of Rivers
(To W.E.B.DuBois)
poem by Langston Hughes
I’ve known rivers:
I’ve known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
flow of human blood in human veins.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers.
I
I
I
I
bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
look upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln
went down to new Orleans, and I’ve seen its muddy
bosom turn all golden in the sunset.
I’ve known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers.
Whatever Your Purpose,
Stay In Control of Your
Work
Revisers
Ask Deliberate Questions & Make
Deliberate Choices.
Does my writing have a clear sense of purpose?
Is my style authentic and engaging?
Is my information organized logically?
Have I developed all my points and sub-points?
Have I made every word work? Is my language
precise and appropriate to the writing context?
Are my sentences fluent, tight, and wellconstructed?
Have I engaged my reader?