Transcript Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Communication

Passive, Aggressive, and
Assertive
Communication
Understanding Communication Styles
Communication
Three parts:
Communication
Three parts:
1.Verbal – The words you say
Communication
Three parts:
1.Verbal – The words you say
2.Tone – The strength of voice
Communication
Three parts:
1.Verbal – The words you say
2.Tone – The strength of voice
3.Body Language – How you physically
hold yourself.
Communication
Three parts:
1.Verbal – The words you say
2.Tone – the strength of voice
3.Body Language – How you physically
hold yourself.
Only 7% of Communication is
the words we say.
Basics of Effective
Communication
 How you say something is more important
than what you are actually saying.
– Your communication is a combination between
your body language, what you say and the tone
of your voice
 The goal should always be to understand –
not to be right.
Basics of Effective
Communication, cont.
 Learning all communication styles is important so
that we can recognize when we are not
communicating in the best way possible.
 People are not difficult. They only seem difficult
because we don’t have the skills to work with
them. It is our lack of knowledge that makes the
situation difficult.
Which is the Best Style?
Passive Communication
 We do not express our honest feelings and
allow others to get their way.
 Our goal is to avoid conflict at all costs
 Little eye contact, often defers to others’
opinions, usually quiet tone, may suddenly
explode after being passive too long.
Examples of Passive
Communication
 “I don’t know.”
 “Whatever you think.”
 “You have more experience than I. You
decide.”
 “I’ll go with whatever the group decides.”
 “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me.”
 “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. . . NO!”
How Can I Be Less Passive
 Pay attention to how you feel, communicate your feelings
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with others
Notice when you say “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” to
others and try to stop yourself
Practice asking for things that you need like “can you
please pass me a fork” or “can you save me a seat” to help
build confidence for when you need something more
important.
Use “I Feel” Statements
Remember that your ideas are just as important as others’
ideas.
Aggressive Communication
 We protect our own rights, without respecting
others’ rights and ideas
 Our goal is to be right, at all cost.
 Eye contact is angry and intimidating; lots of
energy; loud and belittling; never defers to others,
or at least does not admit to; manipulative and
controlling. Often uses violence or verbal abuse.
Examples of Aggressive
Communication
 “I don’t know why you can’t see that this is
the right way to do it.”
 “It’s going to be my way or not at all.”
 “You’re just stupid if you think that will
work.”
 “That kind of logic will sink the project.”
 “Who cares what you feel. We’re talking
about making things work here.”
How Can I Be Less Aggressive
 Try lettings other speak first
 Notice when you interrupt and catch yourself. You can say
something like: “oh, sorry, go ahead” and allow the other
person to finish.
 Ask someone’s opinion and listen to their answer
 When you disagree, try to say so without putting down the
other person’s point of view
– Instead of “that a dumb idea” say “I don’t really like
that idea, could we try this instead?”
Passive-Aggressive
Communication
 Allowing others to be right at the beginning, but
take it out on them or yourself later.
 Our goal is to avoid conflict at first and then make
the other party wish they had seen it your way.
 Behaves passively to people’s face, then
aggressively when they are not around. Often
uses sarcasm.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive
Communication
 “Sure, Mom. I’d be happy to clean my
room,” but you never clean your room
because you didn’t want to.
 “I love your hair. Most people probably
can’t even tell it’s a wig.”
 “Fine, take my cell phone, you think this
will help but it will probably just make me
more depressed.
Assertive Communication
 Protecting your own rights while respecting the
rights of other people
 The goal of the assertive person is to communicate
with respect and to understand each other; to find
a solution to the problem.
 Eye contact maintained; listens and validates
others; confident and strong, yet also flexible;
objective and unemotional; presents wishes clearly
and respectfully.
Examples of Assertive
Communication
 “So what you’re saying is. . . .”
 “I can see that this is important to you, and
it is also important to me. Perhaps we can
talk more respectfully and try to solve the
problem.”
 “I think. . . I feel. . . I believe that. . . .”
 “I would appreciate it if you. . .”
What is “Okay” in Assertive
Behavior
 It is okay to say “I don’t know.”
 It is okay to say “No,” or “I cannot do that.”
 It is okay to make mistakes as long as
responsibility is taken for them.
 It is okay to disagree and to verbalize that.
 It is okay to challenge others’ opinions or actions.
 It is okay to not accept another’s opinion as
factual or accurate (e.g., getting criticized).
 It is okay to ask for a change in behavior.
Assertiveness Skills
GIVE
GIVE
(Be)
(Act)
Gentle
Interested
Validate
(Use an) Easy Manner
Be Gentle
 Be nice and respectful
– No attacks (verbal or physical), No threats, No
judging, Notice your tone of voice
Manage Emotions
 Focus on the problem, not on the emotions
that come with the problem. Stop the
discussion and try again later if they cannot
be controlled.
GIVE
(Be)
(Act)
Gentle
Interested
Validate
(Use an) Easy Manner
Act Interested
 Listen to the other person
– Don’t interrupt, Be patient, Make good eye
contact, Don’t make faces
Persistence
1.
2.
Stay focused on the issue – do not get distracted,
defensive, or start justifying yourself.
Repeat the “bottom line” to keep the
conversation on track and your issues on the
table (e.g., “I understand that, however we are
talking about. . .”).
GIVE
(Be)
(Act)
Gentle
Interested
Validate
(Use an) Easy Manner
Validation
 Allow others to express their opinions and ideas.
 You do not have to disagree or agree.
 “If that’s how you see it, that’s fine.”
 “I can see that this upsets you, and from your
perspective, I can see why. Now, what can we do
to make this better for both of us?”
Why Should I Validate?
 It shows that you are
listening
 It shows that you
understand
 It communicates
understanding in a
nonjudgmental way.
 It is good for relationships
 It can decrease the
intensity of conflicts
What Should I Validate?
 Yourself, others,
relationships
– Feelings and thoughtsinside the person
– Feelings and thoughts
inside yourself
How Do I Validate?
1. Actively listen and pay attention to him/her/yourself
• Make eye contact, nod your head, be mindful of
yourself
2. State his or her feelings descriptively without passing
judgment
• It looks like you're upset, or You have a sad look on
your face.
3. Respond in a way that take him/her/yourself seriously.
• If they say they want to be alone for a little while, say
“OK” and walk away. Let them calm down before reapproaching. If they are crying, offer a tissue..
How Do I Validate cont.
4. Show tolerance; see that the person (or your own)
behavior, emotion or action, makes sense given what is
going on, even if you do not approve of the behavior,
emotion or action itself.
5. Be mindful of yourself, the other person and the
relationship, do not judge
Owning
 Being assertive means you also must own what is
yours to own. If the other person has a point about
your behavior, own it.
 Accept someone’s criticism as feedback rather
than an attack.
– e.g., “You could be right about that. . .”, “That is entirely possible,
knowing me. . .”)
– Where is the value in fighting another’s negative
opinion about us? It is not possible to change other
people, we can only influence them. This shows that IF
their perspective were true, you’d own it.
GIVE
(Be)
(Act)
Gentle
Interested
Validate
(Use an) Easy Manner
Use an Easy Manner
 Use a Little Humor and Smile
– Use non-threatening body language.
Humor
 Humor breaks down negative emotions.
 Humor can put tense situations at ease.
 When grain of truth is found, joke about it
while owning it.
 Be careful to use humor appropriately and
professionally.
GIVE Summary
 Be Gentle
– Be nice and respectful
• No attacks (verbal or physical), No threats, No judging, Notice
your tone of voice
 Act Interested
– Listen to the other person
• Don’t interrupt, Be patient, Make good eye contact, Don’t
make faces
 Validate
– Show that you understand the person’s feelings and situation such
as “I hear what you are saying and that sounds rough” or “ I
understand how you feel about that even though I feel differently.
 Use an Easy Manner
– Use a Little Humor and Smile
• Use non-threatening body language.
Summary
 Every time we decide to communicate with
another person, we select a style of
communication. Notice yours, and notice
theirs.
 Being assertive is not the same as
“winning” - it is protecting your rights
without violating others’.
Summary, cont.
 Get ALL the facts you can before you pass
judgment.
 Assertiveness allows you to face confrontation in
a healthy way and without getting overly
emotional.
 People are not difficult. They only seem difficult
when we do not have the skills to deal with what
they bring to the table. It is our lack of knowledge
that makes the situation difficult.