Transcript THE BAD - Wsimg.com

THE HOPE
GARDEN
COUNSELING
CENTER
Presents…
Linda Hanby, MACC, LMFT, LPCA, LPCI
Shannon Nord, MACC, LMFTA, LPCA, LMFTI
THE GOOD, THE
BAD… AND THE
TRUTH!
BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS
 “Boundaries
define us.” “They define what
is me and what is not me and show you
where you begin and end.” *
 EX.
PROPERTY LINES/NO TRESPASSING
SIGNS/SPORTS PLAYING FIELD,
GEOGRAPHICAL AREAS
*Henry Cloud, John Townsend “Boundaries”
BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS
BOUNDARIES IMPACT EVERY AREA OF OUR LIFE
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Physical boundaries allow us to determine our
comfort zone with personal space and who
may touch us and under what circumstances
Mental boundaries allow us the liberty to have
our own ideas, thoughts and opinions
Emotional boundaries allow us to handle our
own feelings/emotions and disassociate from
the damaging and manipulative
feelings/emotions of others
THE GOOD
HEALTHY
BOUNDARIES=
PROTECTION
THE GOOD
 What
makes you feel comfortable and
what you consider acceptable behavior
 Clarity on what you are willing or not
willing to put up with
 Formed by having a clear understanding
of “self” and of your “personal values”
Values- views and ideals that are important to youdetermines how you live your life
THE GOOD
 Unique
to each individual
 Clearly defined and expressed to others
 Allows for greater self esteem and self
respect
 Allows for an equal partnership of shared
power and responsibility that creates trust
and mutual respect
 Protects you from others intruding on your
physical and emotional space
THE BAD
UNHEALTHY
BOUNDARIES=
HARMFUL
THE BAD
 Not
expressing your needs and wants
 Sharing too much, too soon
 Feeling responsible for other’s happiness
 Inability to say “no” afraid of rejection or
abandonment
THE BAD
 Understanding
of “self” is based on how
others treat you
 Disempowerment- feeling powerless and
not taking responsibility for yourself and
allowing others to make decisions for you
THE BAD
UNHEALTHY ROMANTIC
RELATIONSHIPS=
DANGER
THE BAD
 Making
yourself too available –
accommodating significant other’s
schedule disregarding yours
 Spending all or most of your free time with
significant other- Friends/Family
commenting that they miss you and
haven't seen or heard from you in a while
 Changing your routine/interests/plans to
accommodate significant other
THE BAD
 Not
speaking up and expressing your
feelings or staying quiet when you are not
comfortable with something because of
fear that it might cause a conflict or be
seen as a challenge
 Beginning to do more things/activities that
significant other wants to do with little
regard for your desires
THE BAD
 Pretending
to like something you don’t
 View significant other and the relationship
as “perfect” and “wonderful” although
others opinions and comments tend to be
cautionary
 Controlling, possessive and/or jealous
behavior such as constant texting, calling
etc. to know where you are, who you are
with, what you are doing
THE BAD
 Not
liking your friends/family-complaining,
making remarks about them
 Dictating who you can see and be friends
with
 Dictating where you can go and with
whom
 Any type of physical abuse (shove, push,
slap etc.)
HEALTHY VS. UNHEALTHY
THE BAD
Limited or non-existent boundaries

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Do not feel confident enough to speak up for
yourself
Do what others want you to do even though
it makes you feel uncomfortable or
Puts you and/or others at risk
Allow others to disrespect or treat you badly
(e.g. put you down)
Putting your needs last
THE BAD
Loose or porous boundaries
 Unsure
of yourself and your needs even
though you have a sense of what’s
important
 Very easily swayed by others even though
you may not want to and feel it goes
against what you believe is right.
THE BAD
Rigid “A Wall” boundaries
 Very difficult to let other people in
 Very difficult to listen to others ideas or
beliefs because
 Belief that you are right so your way is the
“right way”
 Become very frustrated or angry when
others propose different ideas or
solutions
 Often a form of protection to prevent
hurt/pain from others
WHICH ONE BEST DESCRIBES
YOU?
THE TRUTH
A HEALTHLY
RELATIONSHIP=
WELLNESS
THE TRUTH
A Healthy Relationship Should
 Allow
for assertiveness- the confidence
and comfort level to say “no” to others
and also for others to say “no” to you
 Empower- allow you to make healthy
choices and decisions and take
responsibility for your life (needs,
desires, values etc.)
 Be based on mutual trust
THE TRUTH
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Involve effective communication and mutual
respect
Enable the discussion of honest feelings about
what is bothering or troubling you
Involve listening and understanding to what is
said and what feelings are being expressed
Respect one another’s desires, needs, values
and feelings
Have mutual expectations- desire the same
things out of the relationship
THE TRUTH
 Allow
for differences and disagreements
(natural in any relationship)
 Enable compromise and the resolution of
conflict in a fair and rational manner- you
can agree to disagree
 Support, encourage and reassure one
another
 Build each other up not tear each other
down
QUIZ TIME
http://www.loveisrespect.org/datingbasics/healthy-relationships/healthyrelationships-quiz
BOUNDARIES GAME
COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT
RESOLUTION IN RELATIONSHIPS
 Verbal

Talking
 Nonverbal
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

Eye contact
Body language
Gestures
Hygiene
What else?
COMMUNICATION PIE
THINK ABOUT IT…
 Where

does social media fit in the pie?
OMG, UR SOOOO L8!!! >:(
THE GOOD
HEALTHY
COMMUNICATION=
CLARITY &
UNDERSTANDING
THE GOOD
 You
clearly state what you need.
 You confidently state what you want.
 Your body language, tone of voice, and
pace of speaking match what you want
to say.
 You feel heard by the other person.
THE GOOD
 You
use “I” statements to speak for
yourself.
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I wish I could …
I feel like …
I want to …
I need to …
I do not want to …
THE GOOD
 You
listen to others without interrupting
 You really hear the other person - So that
you can tell them what you heard them
say in your own words. (ACTIVE LISTENING)
 You make good eye contact that is
appropriate for the context and
conversation.
 You are appropriately responsive to the
other person.
THE GOOD

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You focus on the problem and not the
person.
Stick to the problem at hand and avoid
bringing up issues from the past. If you have
unresolved issues, they can be dealt with in
another conversation.
Know when enough is enough – take a time
out – but make a plan to revisit the conflict
and resolve with healthy communication skills.
Know you will not always agree. That’s okay.
THE BAD
UNHEALTHY
COMMUNICATION=
CONFUSION &
MISUNDERSTANDING
THE BAD
 Passive
Communication
 Aggressive
Communication
THE BAD

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You are a passive communicator if you do not
express your needs or feelings.
If you are a passive communicator, you may not
respond to hurtful comments or situations.
A passive communicator may allow themselves to
be taken advantage of, victimized, treated poorly
or bullied.
A passive communicator is often considered too
soft, too nice, or too weak.
BULLIES CAN SENSE THIS AND MAY TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF YOUR VULNERABILITY MAKING
YOU A…
THE BAD
 Aggressive
communication is when you
violate the rights/boundaries of others
when expressing yourself.
 An aggressive communicator may be
verbally or even physically abusive to
satisfy their selfish desires and insecurities
 Aggressive communicators have little or
no regard for other’s feelings – A BULLY
THE BAD
 Passive-Aggressive
communication is just
like it sounds, a combination of the two.
 Passive aggressors are more subtle with
their cruelty, criticism and humiliation of
others.
 Social media outlets are perfect places
for passive aggressive behavior to fester.
THE TRUTH
But what can I do about it?
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Tell your parents and other trusted adults
Maintain a close group of girlfriends with mutual
support
Choose not to engage in reacting to the
bullying. That gives the bully the power.
Choose to do something other that check
Instagram, Facebook, email, or voicemail. You
will survive without it!
You have the power to make your choices to
stay away from abusive treatment
You are strong! They are weak!
THE TRUTH!
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Communication is a necessary fact of life. We
are always communicating.
From the moment we are born we begin to
“tell” our care-givers what we need in the only
way we can.
We develop our communication patterns by
the response we get. If it works, we keep doing
it. If it doesn’t, we stop doing it or change our
behavior. Reinforcement.
If we do get what we need, we learn that we
have some power. How we use that power is
where the real strength is. This is assertive
communication.
THE TRUTH
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Conflict is a necessary fact of life. Without it
we would not grow in character to become
who we are supposed to be.
We learn a great deal about ourselves and
others by how we react to stressful situations
naturally, and then choose to change our
behavior. Through practice it will stick.
Developing healthy communication and
conflict resolution skills is a priceless gift you
give yourself.
“REAL”
RELATIONSHIPS
REQUIRE AWARENESS,
BOUNDARIES,
COMMUNICATION, SKILLS
TO RESOLVE CONFLICT
AND
YOU!
THE END