Transcript Communication

Exploring and
Strengthening
Your Family
Communication
Randel Carlock
Berghmans Lhoist Chaired
Professor in Entrepreneurial
Leadership
Founding Director, Wendel
International Centre for
Family Enterprise
INSEAD - Europe and
Asia
0
Dad, why don’t you communicate your caring or love?
This Workshop is about You and Your Communication
Nature and nurture account for about 60 percent of
a person's ability to interact and experience the
world.
-Nature: genetics, DNA, biology
-Nurture: environment, parenting, family, childhood
Individual behavior accounts for about 40 percent
of a person's effectiveness and happiness.
Intentional activities including habits, actions, and
thought patterns based on how a person chooses
to behave.
Sonja Lyubomirsky. Positive Psychology Studies on Happiness
International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA) at the
quarterly Leader's Series held on December 10, 2008.
What is Communication? The Basis of All Relationships
Communication is when one person affects another;
it includes all human behavior.
Effective communication is listening to create a dialogue between
two or more persons with a goal of sharing information. The
communication process is completed when the receiver has
understood the sender’s message through feedback.
Positive Interpersonal Relationships Make a Happy Life
Happiness Dimensions of a Life
Family
Relationship Dimensions of a Life
Family
Friends
Marriage/
partnership
Extended
Family
Friends
Marriage/
partnership
Extended
Family
Next
generation
Community/so
ciety
Next
generation
Community/s
ociety
Environment
Work/career/v
ocation
Environment
Work/career/
vocation
Health &
fitness
Financial
Spiritual
Growth &
learning
Health &
fitness
Financial
Spiritual
Growth &
learning
Family Functioning: The Circumplex Model
• Cohesion describes the family’s
emotional bonding (closeness)
• Flexibility describes the family’s ability to
change relationships, roles and rules
(adaptability)
• Communication is the tool to learn new
behaviors and meaning
Source: Olson, D., Sprenkle, D., & Russell, C. (1979). The Circumplex Model of
Marriage and Family Systems: Cohesion and Adaptability Dimensions, Family Types
and Clinical Applications. Family Process, 18, 3-28 (original research, modified three times).
Cohesion: Family Connections, Love, Closeness
• Separateness – togetherness:
How does your family balance?
• Family closeness: How close do
family members feel to each
other?
• Loyalty: How loyal are family
members?
• Activities: Do people usually
engage in activities alone or
together?
• Independent – dependent: How
independent (or dependent) are
family members?
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Flexibility: Family Control is about the Family’s Rules
•Leadership: Is power shared between
parents/adults?
•Communication: How are differences or
conflicts negotiated in your family?
•Roles: Are family members restricted to
certain roles?
•Rules: Do rules seem appropriate for
age of family members? Have the rules
evolved over time?
•Change: How adaptable is your family
to change?
Communications Improves Family Relationships
1. There is a good degree of closeness between family members
2. There is good quality communication between family members
3. The family works to resolve conflicts
4. The family effectively discusses problems
5.
Criticism is fair
6.
It improves the quality of your sex life
7.
I have a real concern for my extended family
8.
I am satisfied with how we communicate with each other
9.
My family members express affection to each other
10. My family members are able to ask each other for what they want
Source: Circumplex Model of Family Couple Functioning. Olson, D.. (2003)
Exercise: Family Communication Questionnaire
Listed below are a series of statements that represent possible feelings that individuals might have about their family. Based on
your feelings about your family, please indicate your degree of agreement or disagreement with each statement by using one of
the five response choices below to rate each statement. Total your points as a tool for discussing family communications.
RESPONSE CHOICES
1
DOES NOT
describe our
family at all
2
SLIGHTLY
describes our
family
3
SOMEWHAT
describes our
Family
4
GENERALLY
describes our
family
5
VERY WELL
describes our
family
For each of the following statements, choose the number that best describes your family:
_____
1.
Family members are satisfied with how we communicate with each other.
_____
2.
Family members are good listeners.
_____
3.
Family members express affection to each other.
_____
4.
Family members talk about important issues.
_____
5.
When angry, family members avoid saying things that would be better left unsaid.
_____
6.
Family members discuss their beliefs and ideas with each other.
_____
7.
When family members ask questions of each other, we get honest answers.
_____
8.
Family members try to understand each other’s feelings.
_____
9.
Family members calmly discuss problems with each other.
_____
10.
We express our true feelings to each other
_____
Total Points
© 1996 D. H. Olson. Family Social Science. University of Minnesota. Modified 1999 by Randel S. Carlock
Family Communication Assessment Scoring
Family Communications
Effectiveness Rating
Communications
Score
Very High
50-44
High
43-38
Moderate
37-33
Low
32-29
Very Low
28-15
Communication: Two Simultaneous & Interactive Roles
Thought
Sender
• Encoding a message
about a thought or idea
• Receiving feedback
Thought
Feedback
Sending
Receiver
•Decoding the message
•Developing a thought or
idea
•Feedback to sender
Miscommunication
Communication is not Easy for many Reasons
Sending the message
Encoding message
I agree! A new car
will be great for our
family!
Our careers are
going well and I
think we need a
new car!
Encoding message
Decoding message
Sending the message
Three Dimensions of Effective Communication
Psychological
Factors
Communication
Skills
Deep Listening
Reflective Listening
Self-disclosure
Agreements, Location,
Activities
Process,
Structures and
Environment
Human Barriers to Effective Communication
Communication Skills
Communications behaviors and skills: Listening with respect, empathy,
reflecting, “I” statements, self disclosure, clarity, continuity, or valuing the
relationship.
Psychology
Personality: Our narcissistic tendencies to focus on ourselves,
rather than the other person. Painful or difficult communication stimulate
defense mechanisms like avoidance, denial or blame.
Beliefs, values, goals and culture: Humans understand
something new based on their experiences. We listen
uncritically to persons who agree with us while we
struggle with difference.
Process and environmental
Shared goals, processes for communicating, clear roles, the right location or
space, eliminating noise or any other stimulus that provides a potential
distraction.
Exercise Two Minutes
Deep Listening Skills Versus Multi Task Listening
Take out your mobile phone, some papers, reading and a pen.
1. Find your mobile telephone. Write down the
name and number of an important call you
received this week and need to return.
2. DO NOT think about the conflict you had this
morning.
1. Write down on a white card something you
need to do at work this afternoon after our
workshop.
2. Write down what you are planning for dinner.
2. While doing the above, TURN to the person
next to you and both of describe and share a
successful communication experience.
Communications Skill One: Deeper Levels of Listening
Engaging in several
tasks including text
And conversation
Multi task listening
Conversational listening
Engaged but thinking of
rebuttals, your ideas
and point of view etc.
Confrontational listening
Active listening
Outside of yourself,
aware of both content
and meaning, hearing
with your 3rd ear
Casual listening, not
deeply engaged,
appearing interested
Deep listening
Very focused on what
the other person,
reflecting their ideas,
words and thinking
Exercise One
Deep Listening Means Deep Respect
Effectiveness
Low
Respect and
Valuing
the Relationship
Lack of respect for
Feelings of others
Somewhat
respectful
of others feelings
High
Consistently
respectful of
other’s feelings
Communications Skill Two: Reflective/Active Listening
• The human tendency to judge, evaluate, and approve any emotionally
meaningful statement is a major barrier to interpersonal
communication
• Using another person’s words and ideas is being reflective. It
connects you with what the other person considers important.
• Curiosity to hear what the other person hears, feels and what life is
like for another person.
• Feelings are “facts” and we need to recognize ours and accept others.
• Listening helps you because as you learn to listen you become more
accepting of yourself.
Source: Carl Rogers, Barriers and Gateways to Communication
Exercise Two - Two Minutes
Reflective Listening - Play Both Roles
1. EACH PERSON: Write down one idea you
want to share about a communication
challenge you face at work or home.
2. SPEAKER: Share your idea.
1. LISTENER: Carefully listen to the
speaker’s every word and then make two
comments or ask questions using some of
the speaker’s specific words. It sounds
like you have a “struggle talking with
your partner about dual careers” . . . or
“talking about dual careers” is always
tough . .
2. Trade roles and do the exercise again.
Exercise Two
Demonstrating Reflective or Active Listening
• Reflective listening starts with hearing not
speaking
• Reflective listening demonstrates hearing
and empathy
• Reflective listening means refusing to
think for the other
• Reflective listening is learning to discover
the other person’s inner qualities
Effectiveness
Low
Reflective
Listening
Seldom
reflects ideas
High
Sometimes
reflects
ideas
Often reflects
ideas
Exercise Three - Two Minutes
Communications Skill Two: Self-disclosure “I” Statements
1. EACH PERSON: Write down on a white
card a serious communication challenge
you have recently faced in your family or
personal life.
2. SPEAKER: Turn to the person next to
you and share your communication
challenge.
3. LISTENER: Attempt to connect with the
speaker by sharing something about your
experience being carefully so speak
briefly.
4. Trade roles and do the exercise again.
Self-disclosure and “I” Statements
•
Values based (I believe)
•
Self disclosure (I am sad)
•
Demonstrated commitment to relationships (I
need you)
•
Strengthens family relationships based on trust (I
am hurt)
•
Key activity for problem-solving (I can help)
Effectiveness
Low
Self-disclosure
Low sharing of
feelings
“I” Statements
Often speaks for
others
High
High sharing of
feelings
Speaks for oneself
more than for
others
Moderate
sharing
of feelings
Speaks mainly
for oneself
Skills for Effective Interpersonal Communications
Effectiveness
Low
High
Listening skillreflecting
Seldom reflects
ideas
Sometimes reflects
ideas
Often reflects
ideas
Speaking skillsI Statements
Often speaks for
others
Speaks for oneself
more than for others
Speaks mainly
for oneself
Low sharing of
feelings
High sharing of
feelings
Moderate sharing
of feelings
Clarity
Incongruence
between verbal &
non-verbal messages
Some clarity,
but not consistent
across time
Verbal messages
very clear
Continuity/
Tracking
Frequent/
inappropriate
topic changes
Topic changes not
consistently
appropriate
Respect valuing
the relationship
Lack of respect for
Feelings of others
Somewhat respectful
of others feelings
Self-disclosure
Appropriate
topic changes
Consistently
respectful of
other’s feelings
*Adapted from D.H. Olson. (1996). Family Assessment Package. St. Paul, MN: University of Minnesota.
Dad why Didn’t you Just Say It? I love you son!
Thank you for Listening
Listening may be the most
beautiful gift that we can give
someone, it is like telling the
other person: You are
important to me, you are
interesting, I am happy that
you are here. All without
saying a word!
“When you say I love you, is that just to remind yourself?”