Transcript Chapter 1

Chapter 5
Communication
Miller
Intimate Relationships, 6/e
McGraw-Hill/Irwin
Copyright (c) 2012 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Communication
More often than we realize, we face an
interpersonal gap
in which a sender’s intentions
--what he or she wanted to communicate-differ from the messages that others actually
receive.
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Nonverbal Communication
• Nonverbal communication involves all the
things people do in interaction except for what
they say.
What people say — the vocabulary, grammar, and
syntax they use — is verbal communication.
But the sound of their voices – or how they say
things – is nonverbal communication.
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Functions of Nonverbal Communication
• Providing Information
– A person’s moods and meaning are usually evident in his or
her nonverbal behavior.
• Regulating Interaction
– Subtle nonverbal cues allow people to take turns in a
conversation smoothly.
• Defining the Nature of the Relationship
– Nonverbal actions express intimacy and carry signals of power
and status.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Facial Expressions
All over the world, people display particular facial
expressions when they are feeling certain emotions.
As a result, facial expressions are good guides to
others’ moods and feelings…
…when they’re authentic and honest.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Facial Expressions
Because facial expressions are so informative, people sometimes
try to control them:
–
–
–
–
Intensifying, or exaggerating, them
Minimizing, or lessening, them
Neutralizing, or withholding, them
Masking, or replacing, them with other apparent emotions
This can occur due to display rules: the cultural norms that
dictate what emotions are appropriate in particular
situations.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Gazing Behavior
The direction and amount of a person’s eye contact is
also influential.
• Looking at someone can communicate interest and affection.
 Strangers who spend time gazing into each other’s eyes
tend to like each other.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Gazing Behavior
• But a lot of looking can also communicate
dominance and status.
“look-speak”
---------------------------“look-listen”
The visual
=
dominance ratio
(VDR)
High-status people tend to use a higher visual
dominance ratio (VDR) than people of lower status do.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Body Movement
Gestures can replace spoken words, but they
vary widely from culture to culture.
The language of the face needs no interpreter,
but that’s not true of the language of gestures.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Body Movement
The posture and motion of the body are also informative.
Brief observation of the behavior of others allows us to
judge their personalities with some accuracy.
Body postures also signal status. High-status people adopt
open, asymmetric postures that take up a lot of space.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Touch
Touching defines relationships.
• It conveys closeness and affection. Partners touch
each other more as their relationship becomes more
intimate.
• It also signals dominance and status. High-status
people are more likely to touch those of lower status
than vice versa.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Interpersonal Distance
We use different zones of personal space for different
kinds of interactions:
• Intimate zone – the area within 1½ feet of the front of our chests.
• Personal zone – the area 1½ to 4 feet away used for interactions
with friends and acquaintances.
• Social zone – businesslike interactions 4 to 12 feet away.
• Public zone – formal interactions at larger distances.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Paralanguage
All the variations in a person’s voice other than
the actual words he or she uses:
•
•
•
•
rhythm
pitch
loudness
rate
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Paralanguage
A good example of distinctive paralanguage is “baby
talk,” a vocal style characterized by variable intonation,
high pitch, and unique rhythms.
We often use “baby talk” with babies, lovers, and pets,
and we may use it with elderly or infirm people (who
may or may not like being addressed in this way.)
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Combining the Components
Nonverbal behavior usually reinforces our verbal
meaning. But when there is a discrepancy between
people’s words and actions, their true meaning usually
lies in their nonverbal, not their verbal, communication.
Sarcasm – in which people say one thing but mean
another – is a good example.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Combining the Components
These various nonverbal actions also allow us to fine-tune
the intimacy of our interactions to establish a
comfortable level of closeness.
We can increase or decrease the perceived intimacy of an
interaction by adjusting, for instance, our distance,
gaze, lean, and touch.
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Nonverbal Sensitivity
The accuracy with which couples communicate
nonverbally predicts how happy their relationships will
be.
Spouses who do poorly at nonverbal communication tend
to be dissatisfied…
…and when such problems occur, it’s usually the
husband’s fault.
Why?
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Nonverbal Sensitivity
Women work harder at nonverbal communication than
men usually do.
They send clearer, more comprehensible messages,
and they attentively interpret others’ behavior more
accurately.
When spouses communicate poorly, both of them
make a lot of mistakes, but the husbands usually
make more of them.
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Nonverbal Sensitivity
Nonverbal deficits may occur either because people
lack the necessary skills or because they’re not
trying very hard to do well.
For most of us, nonverbal insensitivity is likely due to
inattention and a lack of effort.
Men read others as well as women do when they are
equally motivated to make good judgments.
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Verbal Communication
Self-Disclosure
The process of revealing personal information
about oneself to someone else -- selfdisclosure -- is one of the defining hallmarks
of intimacy.
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Self-Disclosure
The Theory of Social Penetration
As relationships develop, partners become
more intimate by increasing two aspects of
their verbal communication:
– Its breadth – the variety of topics they discuss,
and
– Its depth – the personal significance of the topics
they discuss.
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Self-Disclosure
The Theory of Social Penetration
• Self-disclosure at the beginning of a relationship
tends to be narrow and shallow, gaining breadth and
depth as the relationship develops.
• Reciprocity is evident, as the partners match each
other’s level of openness.
• Responsiveness sustains intimacy and depth.
• But even in the closest partnerships, people keep
some things to themselves.
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Self-Disclosure
Taboo topics are sensitive matters that partners agree,
explicitly or implicitly, not to discuss.
The most common taboo topic is the state of one’s
relationship. People may devise various tests of a
partner’s interest and devotion, and they may
interrogate a partner’s friends, but the issue often
seems too delicate to be discussed openly with the
partner.
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Self-Disclosure
Is Self-Disclosure Always Gradual?
Self-disclosure is usually, but not always, gradual.
We sometimes tell new partners personal things soon
after meeting them. However, saying too much too
soon is risky. It violates others’ expectations and
often makes a poor impression.
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Self-Disclosure
Self-Disclosure and Relationship Satisfaction
Self-disclosure that fits the situation breeds liking and
contentment in close relationships, for several reasons:
– We reveal more personal information to those we like;
– We also tend to like others more because we have opened up
to them;
– Reciprocal self-disclosure builds trust; and
– We’re liked more by others when we self-disclose.
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Gender Differences in
Verbal Communication
Topics of Conversation
Women discuss their feelings and gossip about others
more often than men do.
Men tend to stick to more impersonal matters such as
sports, and they seek a few laughs instead of support
and counsel.
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Gender Differences in
Verbal Communication
Styles of Conversation
Women’s usual style:
-they speak less forcefully
-style is more indirect and tentative
-use more hedges and questions
-use less profanity than men do
Men’s usual style:
-seems more direct
-more certain
-more dynamic
-more knowledgeable
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Gender Differences in
Verbal Communication
Self-Disclosure
Men tend to disclose less to their partners than
women do, but they do disclose more personal
information to women than to other men.
As a result, interactions that involve a woman tend to
be more intimate than are interactions that involve
only men.
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Gender Differences in
Verbal Communication
Instrumentality Versus Expressivity
Whether they are male or female, people who are high
in expressivity share intimate verbal communication
with people they trust.
 So, it’s really just macho men who are taciturn and
who have difficulty opening up to their partners.
--Androgynous men tend to have intimate, disclosing
interactions with both men and women, just like women do.
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Gender Differences in
Verbal Communication
Instrumentality Versus Expressivity
Still, about half of all men are comparatively close-mouthed
about their feelings. So:
• If a man isn’t complaining, women tend to think everything’s
okay
• But if a woman isn’t overtly affectionate, men tend to think
something’s wrong.
Men and women tend to differ in their reactions to
neutral interactions that are devoid of either
affection or animosity.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Miscommunication
Unhappy partners do a poor job of saying what they
mean.
– They’re prone to kitchen-sinking, in which they confuse
issues by addressing several topics at once.
– Their conversations frequently drift off-beam, wandering
from topic to topic.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Miscommunication
Unhappy partners also do a poor job of hearing each
other.
– They jump to conclusions with mindreading, and wrongly
assume that they understand their partners.
– They interrupt to express disagreement frequently.
– They find fault with anything their partner says, known as
yes-butting.
– They also engage in cross-complaining, responding to a
partner’s complaint with one of their own.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Miscommunication
Unhappy partners also display negative affect when they
talk with each other:
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Criticism attacks a partner’s personality or character;
Contempt in the form of mockery and insults occurs;
Defensiveness leads to excuses or counterattacks;
Stonewalling may follow when someone withdraws; and
Belligerence and aggressiveness can result.
When communication routinely involves these
contentious patterns, the outlook for the relationship is
grim.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Saying What We Mean
• Behavior description involves identifying as plainly as
possible a specific behavior that annoyed us.
• I-statements start with “I” and then describe a distinct, specific
emotional reaction.
• XYZ statements combine behavior descriptions with
I-statements:
“When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.”
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Active Listening
As listeners, we face two vital tasks:
• Accurately understanding what our partners are
trying to say, and
• Communicating that attention and comprehension to
our partners so that they know we care about what
they’ve said.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Active Listening
• Paraphrasing involves repeating a message in our
own words and giving the sender a chance to agree
that that’s what he or she really meant.
• Perception checking occurs when we assess the
accuracy of our inferences by asking for clarification
and feedback.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Being Polite and Staying Cool
Unhappy partners tend to fall into cantankerous cycles
of irascible interaction.
Avoiding this pattern by staying cool when you’re
provoked, and being able to calm down when you
begin to get angry, are very valuable skills.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Being Polite and Staying Cool
• Avoid the temptation to attribute hostile intent to your partner.
• Schedule regular meetings for the polite airing of grievances.
• Don’t keep trading sarcastic insults when you get angry; take a
“time out”.
• Take just six long, slow, deep breaths per minute, and you’ll calm
down faster than you think.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
The Power of Respect and Validation
Validation acknowledges the legitimacy of our
partners’ opinions and communicates respect for
their positions…
…even when we disagree with them.
 Recognition of, and respect for, a partner’s point of
view can make disagreements much more tolerable.
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For Your Consideration
James loved deer hunting season. He liked to sit shivering in a deer
blind in the chill before dawn, sipping coffee, and waiting for what
the day would bring. But his wife Judy always dreaded that time of
year. James would be gone for several weekends in a row, and each
time he returned he’d either be grumpy because he was emptyhanded or he would have lots of venison—and extra work—for her
to handle. The costs of his permit and lease were also substantial,
and the expense kept them from enjoying an occasional weekend at
that bed-and-breakfast at the lake she liked so much.
So, when Judy handed James a thermos of hot coffee and walked with
him to the door at 4:30 in the morning on the first day of deer
season, she was already feeling melancholy and lonely. She looked
at him and tried to be cheerful, but her smile was forced and her
expression downcast as she said in a plaintive tone, “Have a nice
time, dear.” James happily replied, “Okay, thanks, hon. See you
Sunday night!” and was gone.
What do you think the future holds for James and Judy? Why?
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