Transcript Asperger Syndrome and Marriage

Asperger Syndrome and
Marriage
Gisela and Chris SlaterWalker
www.asperger-marriage.info
Essential Requirements
Formal diagnosis accepted by both
partners
Mutual desire to have a working
relationship
Mutual willingness to learn
BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not
been expressed in a ‘togetherness’ of approach
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Background
Met at university in 1985
Moved in together 1989
Son born 1992
Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997
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Chris – Why I Wanted a
Relationship
Wanted to share something with someone
– though not sure what
Was very lonely – thought that I would be
able to talk to someone in a relationship
Also ‘heterosexual male’
Possibly children
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Early Days. What Sustained the
Relationship?
Limited emotional and time demands from
Gisela
Chris’s linguistic ability
Mutual interests – doing same course
music / culture
political sympathies
Physical attraction
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Early Days - What Endangered the
Relationship?
Chris
Unreasonable demands on my time
Realised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with
someone to have a relationship – but in practice difficult
Gisela’s untidiness
Gisela
Found aspects of Chris’s behaviour uncomfortable
Apparently rude and ungrateful to parents
But appeared he wanted to be helpful – just painfully shy
and according to a friend ‘the quietest person I have ever
met’
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Pre-Diagnosis Difficulties - Gisela
Vital Routines– hoovering the working surface
Importance of sleep to Chris
Discussion of difficulties impossible – Chris
apparently determined not to
Apparent hostility
Deteriorating relationship with parents and
children
Apparent indifference to family members’ needs
Unable to use feminine wiles
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Pre-diagnosis Difficulties - Chris
Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not me
I was reasonably happy, could not understand why
Gisela was not
Gisela has different ideas of what is important
•
relationship with the children and people far more
important to her than things being in the right place
•
distressing for me when something is not in the right
place
Gisela would want to discuss things at night when I
wanted to sleep
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Diagnosis – Why Important?
Chris – always felt socially handicapped –
diagnosis would provide a reason for this
rather than it being a personal inadequacy
Gisela – Chris either unwilling or unable to
engage fully in a close relationship –
needed to know which
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Initial Reaction to DSM-IV
Chris - Sceptical, ‘it seemed people with
AS acted irrationally – and I acted
rationally’
Gisela – Astonished, a description of
Chris’s idiosyncrasies
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‘There is no doubt in my mind that
you are on the autistic spectrum
and have Asperger Syndrome’
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Effects of ASD in an ‘Able Adult’
Bullying
Severe depression
Nearly ended a marriage
Extremely unhappy relationship with parents
Unable to deal with lack of structure at Oxford
Failure to succeed at interviews – so career and
job opportunities curtailed
Difficulties in employment
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Help Available to the ‘Able Adult’
with Asperger Syndrome
Medication
Family
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Professional Help Available to
Families of the ‘Able Adult’ with AS
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Other Help Available for Partners in
Asperger Marriages
Literature by professionals, people with AS
and partners
Support groups – national and local
Internet lists
Extended family
Good friends
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AS Features Causing Difficulties
Lack of Empathy?
Inability to mind-read
Effects of stress on the AS partner
Communication difficulties– personal and
work relationships
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Non-Spectrum Features Causing
Difficulties
Lack of Appreciation of:
• stress caused by daily living with AS
• need for space
• misunderstanding not only one way
Need for reassurance of affection
Need for conversation and social
interaction
Need to be understood
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Essential problem is communication
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Verbal Communication
Conversation
AS partner:
• has a lack of ability to initiate
• has literal understanding
• has no innate understanding of structure of
conversation
• simply does not know what to say
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Communication
Conversation structure difficulties
• turn-taking
• need for processing time causes delay in
replying, particularly noticeable over abstract
issues, e.g. emotions
• MRQQ – manner, relevance, quality and
quantity of replies
www.asperger-marriage.info
Non-verbal Communication
A real problem: lack of facial expression
and other non verbal communication leads
to much mutual misunderstanding
Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is
easily misread
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Coping Strategies
Awareness of differences in communication
Non-AS partner must not become emotional in
conversations
Discuss one issue at a time
Try to avoid using metaphorical language
Wait for a reply – it will usually come
Explain the need for a reply if it doesn’t
The intent of the person with AS should be
appreciated
Use Instant Messaging and emails
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Employment Issues
Communication difficulties extend to other
aspects of life
AS partner may appreciate help over work
issues and day-to-day living
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Social Issues
Separate social lives need not be
detrimental to a marriage
Social occasions based on an activity –
concert, theatre or quiz more successful
Purely social occasions should be limited
to small groups of quiet people in quiet
surroundings
www.asperger-marriage.info
Parenting
Chris benefited from watching me – and
we agree on strategies with George
George aware of Chris’s AS
Conscientious
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The Future
Chris’s relationship with his parents is
much improved
Still problems with my three children –
difficult to redress
Despite practice some situations still very
difficult – interviews
Not currently planning ‘An Asperger
Divorce’
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