Transcript I” Messages
Communication Destructive and Constructive Adult Living The art of conversation consists as much of listening politely as in talking agreeably.” How do you rate your listening and talking skills? What do you need to improve? “I know you believe you understand what you think you heard, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” Standards and Objectives ARR 2.0 - ARFL 4.00 Students will identify effective communication in interpersonal relationships. Identify various types of communication styles Identify types of destructive communication (blaming, interrupting, endless fighting, character assassination, calling in reinforcements, and withdrawal) Identify types of constructive communication (Imessages, clarifying, timing, asking questions, reflective listening, respect, consideration, avoid anger) Practice using I-messages “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Words, tone of voice and body language. Motivator Often we really communicate destructively and constructively with people we are surrounded with. Whole days can be ruined because of destructive communication. It takes 14 positive remarks to erase one putdown. Hammer Time - pictures Hammer of Communication THE CLAW IS LIKE DESTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION. THE SHANK IS LIKE NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION: It is sharp and dangerous and is used to destroy and tear down relationships. It is strong and can be used to support construction or destruction. THE HANDLE OF THE HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT IS THE DRIVING FORCE. We are in control of our communication and choose to use it in a constructive or destructive manner. THE HEAD IS LIKE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION. It is smooth and rounded and is used to build and help put things together. Role plays I need two volunteers – 1 boy, 1 girl Destructive Communication Blaming Interrupting Endless Fighting Character Assassination Calling in Reinforcements Withdrawal Need to be Right Blaming – Frequently blame each other while trying to find out who is at “fault”, who started the fight, etc.” Examples – You are the one that’s not listening. You did this…. You should of … Interrupting – Interrupts another person, it is a sign that one idea is more important than another. Stop communication, Shows disregard for other person’s ideas. Endless Fighting – Arguments that never end. Bring up the old issues that have nothing to do with what’s happening now. Examples: Just like when you… Character Assassination – Name calling, belittling comments about sensitive subjects, and insulting remarks. (Sarcasm) Examples: Destroys self-esteem, trust, and communication. Calling In Reinforcements – Involves outsiders in your personal relationships and quarrels. Example: to save face Withdrawal – Withdrawing from communication avoiding conversation in families communicates hurt, rejection, neglect, indifference, &/or anger. Example: “I don’t care” “fine” “I’ll do it” Need to be right – Some people refuse to admit any need to always be right. Compromise is a win-win situation. Video Clips Role plays I need two volunteers – 1 boy, 1 girl Constructive Communication “I” Messages Clarity Timing Asking Questions Reflective Listening Respect and Consideration Avoiding Intense Anger “I” Messages – State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication. Lets others know how you feel without making people defensive. Examples “I feel frustrated when… I am angry because you forgot… Clarity – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean. Problem is interpretation. (Sarcasm) Example: I hope you had a great time at the movie last night with all your other friends! Timing – Select a good time to do your important communicating. Examples: Asking for something when parents walk in from work. Asking Questions – People seldom say what they really mean the first time. Example: Why, What, Where, When, Do you mean…. Reflective Listening – listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify. Example: Are you saying? You seem to be saying? Respect and Consideration – One sure way of ending good communication is by being critical or judgmental. Respect the other person’s point of view. Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes we become to emotional to communicate effectively. “I” Messages State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication. - “I feel … when … because …” - “I would like …” Don’t blame the other person. Shouting Name Calling Physical expression Roadblocks Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear. Video Clips Finish “Let’s Communicate By changing the negative examples into positive communication examples using the constructive communication techniques. 1.Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap. Father is irritated. “You” message: “You shouldn’t ever interrupt someone when he is reading.” “I” message: ______________________ 2.Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a hurry. “You” message: “You’re being naughty.” “I” message:______________________ 3. Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face. “You” message: “You’re not being a responsible big boy. That’s what a little baby might do. “I” message: ___________________________ 4. Child keeps postponing going to bed. Mother and Dad want to talk about a private problem of concern for them. Child keeps hanging around preventing them from talking. “You” message: “You know it’s past your bedtime. You are just trying to annoy us. You need your sleep.” “I” message:__________________________ 5. Child pleads to be taken to a movie but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job he agreed to do. “You” message: “You don’t deserve going to a movie when you have been so inconsiderate and selfish.” “I” message: ___________________________ 6. Child has been sulking and acting sad all day. Mother doesn’t know the reason. “You” message: “Come on now, stop this sulking. Either brighten up or you’ll have to go outside and sulk. You’re taking something too serious.” “I’ message: ___________________________ 7. Child is playing the stereo so loud it is interfering with the parent’s conversation in the next room. “You” message: “Can’t you be more considerate of others? Why do you play that stereo so loud?” “I” message:___________________________ 8. Child promised to iron napkins to be used for dinner party. During the day she dawdled, now it’s one hour before the guests arrive and she has not started the job. “You” message: “You have fallen down on your job. How can you be so thoughtless and irresponsible?” “I” message: _____________________________ Communication Game Everyone will be participating Try to guess what style each person is communicating Conflict Styles Complete Survey Pushing style (force) The score should be between 1 – 3.. If higher– work to do- can be scary in relationships. This style reveals a willingness to use power, rank, or persuasion to accomplish a goal or purpose. Pushing style Good: use this in an emergency, when administering a mandated unpopular decision, when resolution is needed and if someone is being exploited. Bad: this style turns conflict into winlose. People do not take ownership in the solution and strains relationships. • Style most apt to result in loss of friendship Easing style The score should be in mid range. This style reveals a desire to end conflict as quickly as possible even if it means denial, surrender or becoming the scapegoat. - Best to use when benefits of losing are greater than winning Easing style Good: Use this when the conflict isn’t important or doesn’t involve you. Be aware then you could win the battle and lose the war. Be willing to negotiate and resolve Bad: This style can cause loss of self respect. You will have a tough time carrying through on a commitment and you may become a “door-mat”. Accepting Style This score should be on the high-end. This style reveals an understanding that consensus is not always possible. It emphasizes negotiating, compromising and mediating. * Temporary solutions Accepting Style Good: It takes limited time, skill & training. Works when peace is the most important goal. Is the ONLY way to solve value & ego conflicts. Bad: Negotiated solutions are almost always temporary. Everybody must bewilling to give & take and adult enough to rise above unsettled conflict. Compromising Style (COLLABORATE) The score should be between 5 & 8. The goal of this style is consensus building. It requires discussion and investigation of all viable options. Both must recognize they must have the best possible resolution. Compromising Style Good: A win-win formula. Works when unity is a primary goal & those involved have a willingness to grow, time to work & good people skills. Bad: It takes time, skill & willing parties. People who are involved in value or ego conflicts are not willing to change & must often settle for ACCEPTING Exiting Style The score should be a 1 -2 This style reveals such a strong aversion to conflict that a personal physically or emotionally withdraws & side steps confrontation. Could be used when cannot win/dealing w/ people in positions of power. Exiting Style GOOD: Use this style when the personal cost is too high, when timing or location is wrong and when the situation is a no-win. BAD: This is the most dangerous style . Lowers commitment & productivity, causes resentment and leads to bad decisions. Conflict styles Pushing (force, compete) Easing (accommodate) Accept (collaborate, problem-solve) Compromise (share) Exit (Avoid, withdrawal) Love Languages What is yours? Take the Quiz Where does your communication style Your love language come comes from? from a reflection or a reaction to your home life. Some people reflect their home life in their love language. One is not better or worse, but it is important to recognize that you do or do not speak the same love language as those around you. Most people have learned their love language so it can be changed. However, change is not needed, - understanding is. Term Symbol (draw) Description words Touch Hand Hugging, holding hands physically close, high-five VerbalWords of Affirmation Ear and Mouth Sharing ones feelings, listening heart to heart talks, caring words, meaningful discussion Task Eye Achievement accomplishments hard work status things Gifts Box with a bow Small meaningful sentiments Favorite candy, cards, mean something, often* Quality Time megaphone Really being there Video Explained If your mother is a Task- oriented person and you are also a task oriented person you reflect your home love language. If, on the other hand your mother is task- oriented and you and you are touch oriented, you are reacting to your home love language. Examples for you to explain A child comes home with good grades. What would a touch- oriented parent do? What would a verbally- oriented parent do? What would a task- oriented parent do? Golden rule with a twist Do unto others as they would have you do to them, not as you would have them do to you. Speak to your partner in whatever communication style he/she speaks. Pick you Lyrics Find a song that represents you. Communicates to you Be able to explain why these words mean something to you.. Bring in a copy of these lyrics on the day of the test.