Transcript Love and Emotions

Love and Emotions
HPER F258 – Marriage
and Family Interaction
What is Love? Who Could You Love?
• In your small groups,
– List at least 10 ideal characteristics for a
mate and 10 characteristics that would be
“deal breakers.”
– Answer these questions:
• How did you choose the qualities of your ideal?
What influenced your choices and decisions?
• How does your ideal reflect your upbringing,
including both family and cultural influences?
• In what ways do your parents contribute to your
ideal image?
– How would you know when you have found
your ideal partner?
Emotions Are at the Heart of
the Family's Ability to
Influence Us
Attachment and how it relates
to our view of love (Bowlby)
• Attachment theory “an affectional tie
with some other differentiated and
preferred individual who is usually
conceived as stronger and/or wiser”
• Individuals have a tendency to build
strong emotional bonds to specific
others
• If you have not formed a secure bond
as a child, it affects your ability to form
solid relationships later in life
Non-rational bonds
• Bonds that are based on a feeling
or feelings, not logic- based
• The lack of rationality makes
them powerful
– Remember that anything that is
“hidden” from rational/ intellectual
processing can influence us without
our knowing that it’s there
Invisible loyalties
(Boszormenyi-Nagy)
• Generational loyalties (not necessarily
positive)
• Holding onto ideas of “how things
should be” because of family
experiences
• Being unable to break patterns
• Not culturally based, but inherent to
family relationships (accd. to B-N)
• Ethical loyalties – a “family ledger”
where everyone has obligations to the
family – can be unhealthy
Chronic Family Anxiety
• Different from individual anxieties
• Chronic family anxiety is long-term
negative emotions in the family’s
emotional system.
• Result from
– low tolerance for intimacy and
individuality
– High levels of conflict
– Animosity
– Anxiety among family members
Family Ties and Love
Relationships
• Think back to the Epigenesis
Principle and when we as
individuals first begin to relate to
– the idea of loving
– preferring one person over another
– expectations for relationships
Article facilitation (Tues.) –
Relationships and Romantic
Expectations
• In your small group, discuss
article #6, “This Thing Called
Love”
Distance Regulation
• In families, a balance must be
found between being too close and
too distant
• Differentiation – to become
separate and unique
– Not same as cut-off
• Undifferentiated = fusion
Differentiation/Fusion
Principle
• Families with higher levels of negativity,
hostility, and animosity are more likely
to have unhealthy levels of
connectedness (fusion) in family life.
• This spirit of contention and control in
families impairs children’s ability to
develop a strong inner identity.
• They remain overly connected to their
family of origin (enmeshed).
So…
• Emotionally healthy family
environment allows for
individuation of family members
• An emotionally unhealthy family
environment results in family
members who are emotionally
fused…even if they appear
disengaged.
Balancing closeness and
distance (process)
• Families exist in perpetual
confrontation between the quest
for autonomy and jointness (Sprey)
• Efforts to balance autonomy vs.
inclusion
• Balancing between connection and
partition
Distancing and pursuing
• Relational space
– Metaphoric, not concrete space
– Sense of closeness vs. distance in
relationship
– Tied to comfort level with that level of
closeness
The Mating Game
• Your discussion leader will give
you the instructions – they’re
complex)
• After you’ve played the game:
– What has this game taught you about
your expectations, attitudes and
standards?
Final Thoughts on Lecture Material
• Identify at least one important point in
the class. Give this to your discussion
leader.
• If anything was unclear, write that
down, too.