Transcript Essentials of Business Communication

Chapter 4
Revising and Proofreading
Business Messages
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-1
Revising and Proofreading

Revising:

Proofreading:
Improving content and
sentence structure. May
involve adding, cutting,
recasting.
Correcting grammar,
spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-2
Concise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.
Instead of this:
Try this:
We are of the opinion that
We think
Please feel free to
In addition to the above
At this point in time
Despite the fact that
Please
Also
Now
Although
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-3
Wordy Prepositional Phrases
Instead of this:
Try this:
We don’t as a general
rule cash personal
cheques.
We don’t generally cash
personal cheques.
Students in very few
instances receive parking
tickets.
Students seldom receive
parking tickets.
She calls meetings on a
monthly basis.
She calls monthly
meetings.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-4
Long Lead-Ins
Instead of this:
Try this:
This memo is to inform
you that all employees
meet today.
All employees meet
today.
I am writing this letter to
say thanks to everyone
who voted.
Thanks to everyone who
voted.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-5
Outdated Expressions
Outdated:
Modern:
as per your request
at your request
thanking you in advance
thank you
attached hereunto
attached
under separate cover
separately
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-6
Needless Adverbs
To sound more credible and to streamline your
writing, omit adverbs such as definitely, quite,
really, actually, and so forth.
Instead of this:
Try this:
The manager is actually
quite pleased with your
proposal because the
plan is definitely
workable.
The manager is pleased
with your proposal
because the plan is
workable.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-7
Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
and it when used merely to take up space.
Instead of this:
Try this:
There are two employees
who should be
promoted.
Two employees should
be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who
were singled out.
Lisa and Jeff were
singled out.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-8
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid a
long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase,
outdated expression, needless adverb,
filler, and/or other forms of wordiness.
 This e-mail message is to inform you that in all
probability we will actually finish in two weeks.
We will probably finish in two weeks.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-9
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid a
long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase,
outdated expression, needless adverb,
filler, and/or other forms of wordiness.
 There are many brokers who are quite certain
that these stocks are completely safe.
Many brokers are certain that these stocks are
safe.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-10
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid a
long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase,
outdated expression, needless adverb,
filler, and/or other forms of wordiness.
 Pursuant to your request, there are two
contracts that are attached hereto.
As you requested, two contracts are attached.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-11
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid a
long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase,
outdated expression, needless adverb,
filler, and/or other forms of wordiness.
 All employees are hereby informed that as a
general rule computers may not be used for
personal activities.
Generally, employees may not use computers for
personal activities.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-12
Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
thought and consideration
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-13
Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology that
readers would not recognize.
Computer jargon:
Alternative language:
queue
list of documents waiting to
be printed
transfer data from one
program to another
Internet capacity
export
bandwidth
Is jargon ever permissible?
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-14
Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary
or extravagantly changed meanings).
clueless
turkey
chill/chill out
unaware, naïve
someone stupid or silly
relax
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-15
Clichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions) by
substituting more precise words.
Last but not least, you
should keep your nose to
the grindstone.
Finally, you should work
diligently.
We had reached the end
of our rope.
We could go no farther.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-16
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid
slang, clichés, and redundancies.
 Last but not least, the accountant referred back
to an exactly identical case.
Finally, the accountant referred to an identical
case.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-17
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid
slang, clichés, and redundancies.
 With a little advance warning, we could have
sold out before our stocks tanked.
With warning, we could have sold out before our
stocks hit bottom.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-18
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence to avoid
slang, clichés, and redundancies.
 Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the hip,
demanded final completion by January 1.
Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded
completion by January 1.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-19
Precise Verbs

Revise your writing to include precise verbs
instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
Market researchers said that profits would improve.
What more precise verbs could replace said?
Market researchers forecasted improved profits.
Market researchers promised improved profits.
Market researchers predicted improved profits.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-20
Precise Verbs

Revise verbs that have been converted to
nouns.
The manager came to the realization that
telecommuting made sense.
The manager realized that telecommuting made
sense.
An application must be made by the job seeker.
The job seeker must apply.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-21
Precise Verbs

TIP:
Look for words ending in tion or ment.
Could they be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-22
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence using more
precise verbs.
 The seller said she would contact you.
The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax]
you.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-23
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence describing
the action using a verb.
 We must give encouragement to our team.
We must encourage our team.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-24
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence describing
the action using a verb.
 Have you made an application for employment?
Have you applied for employment?
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-25
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence describing
the action using a verb.
 A duty of the general manager is the calculation
of monthly sales.
The general manager calculates monthly sales.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-26
Try Your Skill
Revise the following sentence describing
the action using a verb.
 The establishment of new methods was effected
by Kevin.
Kevin established new methods.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-27
Concrete Nouns
Revise your writing to include specific,
concrete nouns instead of general, abstract
ones.
The man asked for a raise.
Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.
An employee presented a proposal.
Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to
stagger hours.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-28
Vivid Adjectives
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, allpurpose ones.
The report was good.
The report was persuasive (or detailed, original,
thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive).
The report was bad.
(Possible revisions?)
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-29
What to Watch for in
Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format
Consistency
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-30
How to Proofread Complex
Documents
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Print a copy, preferably double-spaced,
and set it aside.
Allow adequate time.
Be prepared to find errors.
Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-31
How to Proofread Complex
Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
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Have someone read aloud the original while
someone else checks the printout.
Spell names.
Spell difficult words.
Note capitalization.
Note punctuation.
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-32
End
© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.
Ch. 4-33