Transcript sentences - MyCourses

02086 Writing
Inspirations
Aalto University
School of Arts, Design and Architecture
Session 6
Homework: Your first draft of the Artist Statement
•Artist Statement Cont.
Sentence Patterns & Variety (see slides from session 4 also)
Readability Principles 1, 2 & 3
Peer editing Artist Statements
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Sentence Patterns & Variety
•Shall we analyze our own writing style a bit and improve it by
using a variety of sentence patterns? 
•Go to your own Artist/ Designer Statement – draft.
•Try to determine how many sentence patterns you use.
•Favor one particular pattern?
•Try to revise a few sentences using a different pattern.
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Sentence Patterns & Variety
•In its simplest form, an English sentence has two
parts:
•a subject + a verb that express a complete thought when they
are together
•Marvin slept.
•Dogs bark.
•A clause = combination of a subject and a verb
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Sentence Patterns & Variety
•Independent clause: a subject + verb that make a complete
thought
 can stand on their own and make sense
Marvin slept.
•Dependent clause: a subject + verb that do NOT make a
complete thought
always need to be attached to an independent clause
Although I am curious,
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Sentence Patterns & Variety
•Four Basic Sentence Patterns
•Pattern 1: Simple Sentence
•One independent clause (S+V):
I refuse.
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Sentence Patterns & Variety
•Pattern 2: Compound Sentence
•Two or more independent clauses.
•Connectors with a comma, the FANBOYS: for, and, nor, but, or,
yet, so
•Connectors with a semicolon and comma: however, moreover,
nevertheless, nonetheless, therefore
Mr. Potato Head eats monkeys for breakfast every day, but I
don’t see the attraction.
Eating them makes him happy; however, he can’t persuade
me.
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Sentence Patterns & Variety
•Pattern 3: Complex Sentence
•One independent clause PLUS one or more dependent
clauses.
He recommends them highly because they taste like chicken
when they are hot.
Although I am curious, I am still skeptical.
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Sentence Patterns & Variety
•Pattern 4: Compound-Complex Sentence
•Two or more independent clauses PLUS one or more
dependent clauses.
Mr. Potato Head said that he would share the secret
recipe; however, if he does, Mrs. Potato Head will feed
him to the piranhas, so we are both safer and happier if
I don’t eat monkeys or steal recipes.
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Sentence Patterns & Variety
•In need of more variety for your sentence patterns?
•See the handout ‘Some strategies for sentence variety’ in
Mycourses Session 6.
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What do readers mean when they say
a text…
Individual sentences are
…is hard to read?
hard to understand
...doesn’t flow?
A series of sentences has
…is unreadable?
no clear connections from
sentence to sentence
Paragraphs do not stay on
topic
Readers have expectations about the way a text is
structured.
What are these expectations?
How to make your text reader-friendly?
Three key principles:
1.Put Familiar before New Information
> Put "Topical" Information in Subject Position
1.Put “Light” NPs before “Heavy” NPs
2.Put Action into the Verb
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Readability Principle 1:
1.Put Familiar before NEW Information
What is Familiar/Given Info?
Concepts or objects that have already been discussed
or are presumed to be understood from the context.
What is NEW Info?
Concepts or objects that have not already been
discussed or presumed to be known from the context.
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Readability Principle 1: Put familiar
before new information
•Place familiar information at the beginning of each
sentence.
•Put new information at the end of the sentence.
•This info is now “familiar” and can be placed at the
beginning of the next sentence.
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How do we keep familiar information in
subject position before new information?
Topical progression
Three patterns for linking familiar information in a
paragraph:
1.Constant Topic
2.Step-wise Topic
3.Hypertopic
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How do we keep familiar information in
subject position before new information?
1.Constant topic
There was a group of five people standing in front of the art
piece when I entered. They were staring at it intently and were
not distracted by other visitors nearby. They seemed to ….
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How do we keep familiar information in
subject position before new information?
1.Constant topic
The solo exhibition of work by Henrik Vibskov is the largest display to
date of the oeuvre of the Danish fashion designer. It is located in the
Finnish Design Museum and will run till May 11th. The exhibition
features various directions such as clothes, accessories, and
installations created for fashion shows and unique works of art.
It explores the original world of the designer, which vividly blurs the
boundaries between design, visual art, music and the performing art.
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How do we keep familiar information in
subject position before new information?
2. Step-wise topic
There was a group of five people standing in front of the piece
when I entered. The piece was extraordinary in its shape and
size. The shape, on one hand, reminded me of a dinosaur but
the size, on the other hand, of a small fish. These creatures
brought whole new associations into mind, and I started to
think of…
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How do we keep familiar information in
subject position before new information?
2. Step-wise topic
The curator of the fair has chosen four coming themes of
Scandinavian design in 2014-2015, which are “Day Dream”,
“Deep Flow”, “Indian Summer” and “Down to Earth”. Many
examples of these topics are found in the exhibition hall.
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How do we keep familiar information in
subject position before new information?
3. Hypertopic
This exhibition has several important advantages over the one I
had previously seen in Bilbao by the same artist.
First,…Second,…Third,….
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How do we keep familiar information in
subject position before new information?
3. Hypertopic
There are two reasons why I chose to visit the Wardi exhibition.
First, I am interested in Wardi’s talents to use colors and his
personal background in art therapy; secondly, it is always
delightful and rousing to visit Ateneum and climb those stairs
with fossils and all the history. There is plenty of our school
history inside these walls.
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Apply Readability Principle 1 to your Artist
Statement
Read your own text.
What sort of info appears in the subject position
(before the verb)?
Is it GIVEN or NEW info?
Make changes in the text if need be.
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Peer Editing your neighbor’s Artist’s
Statement
•First paragraph. Begin with a simple statement of why you do
the work you do. Support that statement, telling the reader more
about your goals and aspirations.
•Second paragraph. Tell the reader how you make decisions in
the course of your work. How and why do you select materials,
techniques, themes? Keep it simple and tell the truth.
•Third paragraph. Tell the reader a little more about your
current work. How it grew out of prior work or life experiences.
What are you exploring, attempting, challenging by doing this
work.
http://www.mollygordon.com/resources/marketingresources/artstatemt/index.html
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Peer Editing your neighbor’s Artist’s Statement
1/3 through your neighbor’s statement.
•Read
•Does it answer the questions what, how and why?
•Does it capture your attention?
•Pay attention to the paragraph structure:
•3 – 5 sentences maximum? Comment if TOO LONG!
•Does each paragraph contain one central idea?
•Are both long and short sentences used?
•Is it in the present tense?
•Does the vocabulary used match the work you see?
•Are there enough transitions?
Make comments in the text if need be!
http://www.mollygordon.com/resources/marketingresources/artstatemt/index.html
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Readability principle 2:
Put "Light" NPs Before "Heavy" NPs
Put "Light" before "Heavy"
1We
have received and acted upon requests for equipment from
several branch offices. 2We have sent the research,
development, and testing office in Chicago a gas analyzer.
We have sent the research, development, and testing office in Chicago
Indirect object
a gas analyzer.
Direct object
We
have sent
a gas analyzer
Direct object
to the research, development, and testing office in Chicago
Object of Preposition
Limits to Human Info Processing: 7±2
items
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
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We have sent the research, development, and testing office in Chicago
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Indirect object
a gas analyzer.
BETTER:
1
2
We
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4 5
3
have sent
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13
14
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7
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a gas analyzer
to the research, development,
Direct object
Object of Preposition
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and testing office in Chicago
Avoid Top-Heavy Subjects!
The idea of designing an economical AM/FM receiver
that is both affordable for the average consumer and
profitable for the company was presented.
SUBJECT (= 23 words)
BETTER:
1
Light
2
Heavy
3
4
5
6
7
8
This study presents the design of an economical AM/FM receiver
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that is both affordable for the average consumer and profitable for
the company
Balancing Information Elements
BEST!
SUBJECT
VERB
ACCEPTABLE (if subject not too long)
VERB
SUBJECT
BAD!
SUBJECT
VERB
WORST!!
SUBJECT
VERB
Peer Editing your neighbor’s Artist’s
Statement 2/3
•Go back to your neighbor’s text and read it with ’Avoiding TopHeavy Subjects – principle’ in mind.
•How many units of information come before the verb in your
sentences?
•How could you make the subject of the sentences lighter and
have the verb early in the sentences (if need be)?
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Readability Principle 3: Put action
into the verb
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Readability Principle 3: Put action
into the verb
Take a look at the sentences. What is the verb? What action is
the sentence describing?
•An analysis of the data was done by the team.
•Ecosystem destabilization can be the consequence of species
invasion.
•The indication of the results was that pH controlled the rate.
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Readability Principle 3: Put action
into the verb
An analysis of the data was done by the team.
Ecosystem destabilization can be the consequence of species
invasion.
The indication of the results was that pH controlled the rate.
Unnecessary nominalizations!
The action is “hiding” in a noun (also known as a
“nominalization”)
So, how would you improve these sentences?
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Readability Principle 3: Put action
into the verb
Better alternatives:
An analysis was done by the team.
•The team analysed the data.
Ecosystem destabilization can be the consequence of species
invasion.
•Species invasion can destabilize ecosystems.
The indication of the results was that pH controlled the rate.
•The results indicated that pH controlled the rate.
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Readability Principle 3: Put action
into the verb
What is wrong with nominalization?
Unnecessary / over-used nominalizations can…
•make sentences less concise
•make actions less precise
•make sentences difficult to understand
•make reading boring!
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Readability Principle 3: Put action
into the verb > Avoid weak verbs!
•“to be” verbs (and verbs like “to have”, “to do”, “to
make”) often over-used
•writers use the passive voice more than necessary
•the verb "to be" suggests passivity because it
connects two entities that are essentially equal.
Source: http://webaim.org/techniques/writing/#weak
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Readability Principle 3: Put action
into the verb > Avoid weak verbs!
Weak verb ("is"):
One way to improve your writing is to use strong verbs.
A=B
lOne way to improve your writing = to use strong verbs
NO ACTION IN THE VERB
Strong verb ("improve"):
lUsing stronger verbs can improve your writing.
A improves B
=ACTION!
http://webaim.org/techniques/writing/#weak
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Peer Editing your neighbor’s Artist’s
Statement 3/3
•Go back to your neighbor’s text and read it with ’Action in to the
verb’– principle in mind.
•Is s/he over-using weak verbs (to be, make, get, have)?
•What action are the sentences describing? Is the action hiding in
a noun?
•Remember that ’to be’ as part of ’passive voice’ and before
adjectives is OK.
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Editing your own Artist’s Statement
Return the draft to the person who sent it to you and get comments
back from them.
write your statement according to the peer feedback you received
and the readability principles you learned.
Submit your second draft to the teacher (via email) on Sunday.
http://www.mollygordon.com/resources/marketingresources/artstatemt/index.html
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Next homework:
2) Rewrite your Artist's Statement according to the teacher
feedback and submit.
3) Bring a copy of your CV (if you have one) to work on during next
class. If you don't have one, google for some samples of CVs in
your own field.
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