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When Children Push Your Buttons: How to Maintain Your Sanity and Still Be a Good Parent! Dr. Gary Hill Outline I. II. Introductions What is a kid? III. Attachment Connection IV. V. Neurology, biology Executive functioning Not an adult Attachment theory Secure/insecure attachment Ingredients for Effective Parenting Discussion What is a Kid? • NOT an adult • Developmental stages: Boys vs. Girls • Neurology, biology • Executive functioning Attachment Connection • Attachment theory states that all humans have a biological imperative to establish and maintain a connection and emotional bonds with other human beings. • Secure emotional bonds developed in childhood lead to the development of resiliency within the personality structure, which is associated with a healthy adaptation to the external environment and promotes positive bonding with significant others. Attachment • Secure Attachment – – – – – – Promotes independence Confidence Lack of anxiety Emotional regulation Positive self-esteem Promotes executive functioning: focus, concentration, empathy, organizational skills • Insecure Attachment – – – – – Invalidating environment Emotional insensitivity Anxiety Emotional dysregulation Can result in: anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, ADD, school failure Rules, Limits, Consequences, & Rewards • • • • • • • • • Must be specific, concrete, measurable Emphasis on rewards, not consequences Must be 100% consistent If negative behavior is repetitive, then somehow it is being reinforced! Positive reinforcement of good behavior, extinction of negative behavior (remove negative reinforcers) Use few words, do not engage in arguments, discussions, negotiations Use the “illusion of choice” technique Acknowledgement works better than praise Work best when child’s environment is consistent, predictable, safe and nurturing Ingredients for Effective Parenting • Do not lecture—they already know! • Do not put adult meaning or intention into teenage behavior; they are not adults and do not think like adults! • Do not over schedule children. It can lead to stress and self medication. • Family environment needs to be safe, nurturing, consistent and predictable. • Do set limits! • Work on attachment and connection with your child; be there for them, spend consistent in the moment time with your teenager. • Schedule consistent family time together. • Be a consultant parent. Do not micromanage or practice “in your face” parenting. Parent’s primary job is to provide safety, guide and set limits. • Maintain a healthy adult personal life, apart from your children. Parenting Techniques • Look at your own family of origin issues and personal vulnerabilities • Don’t ever lecture! • Don’t talk face-to-face with your teenager, especially with boys • Use a car for communication • Talk later at night • Use 20 questions technique • Learn how to set consistent limits • Be unpredictable! • Don’t ever interfere with natural consequences! • Be a parent, not a friend Teenagers and Alcohol/Drug Use • 80% of teenagers have consumed alcohol at least once by senior year, with over half doing so by 8th grade. • 50% of high school seniors report getting drunk at least once. • 65% have smoked cigarettes by their senior year, and 35% are current smokers. • 30% of high school seniors have used marijuana at least once in the previous 12 months. • There is a correlation between more chronic drug use and disorders such as depression, ADD/ADHD, and post traumatic stress disorder. • Risk factors for drug use increase if there is chronic family stress and dysfunction within the family setting. • Risk factors also increase if there is a history of school failure and behavioral problems. Patterns of Alcohol Use • Alcohol use among teenagers is different than adult alcohol use. • Teenagers engage in more episodic binge drinking and show less tendency to drink steadily as in adult heavy drinkers. • Alcohol use problems that are maintained into adulthood are predicted by the existence of teenage acting out problem behaviors and nonconformity and not by the amount of alcohol consumed. • Alcohol use in teenagers is much more connected to use in social peer groups and thrill seeking behaviors than in adults. • Parental indifference and inconsistency, lack of involvement in their children’s lives and inability to set consistent limits are all risk factors for teenage drug and alcohol use. Resources and Websites • • • • • • • • • www.successbydesign.com www.franklincovey.com www.homework-organizer.com www.alphasmart.com www.timetimer.com www.searchinstitute.com www.creativempowerment.com www.studybuddy.com www.kidscontracts.com