Transcript Bullies In The Family - Positive Communication Systems

Bullies In The Family
Teaching Parents And Kids About Sibling
Violence
Mardi Winder-Adams. M.Ed, CDM
Positive Communication Systems
www.poscs.com
Quick Facts on Sibling Violence
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Straus and Gelles (1996) have estimated that over 29
million children commit an act of violence against a
sibling each year.
In a study in the Journal Child Maltreatment, 35% of
children reported being “hit or attacked” by a sibling
in the last year.
14 percent reported repeated attacks
4.55% had reported injuries from the abuse
2% were attacked using weapons, including knives
and guns
Most common age of victimization is 6 to 12
Boys are slightly more victimized than girls (56%
compared to 49% respectively)
Facts continued
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In 1980 Dr. Murray Straus published “Behind Closed
Doors” and found that 74 percent of a representative
sample of children had pushed or shoved a sibling
within the year and 42 percent had kicked, bitten or
punched a brother or sister.
Sibling violence is the same offense in the eyes of the
law as domestic violence between adults, but is
typically heard in juvenile court and rarely results in
jail time.
Typically a pattern of violence rather than a one time
incident is required for legal action to occur.
7 million children are estimated to have been
attacked and beaten by a sibling once in their lifetime
according to the National Family Violence Survey
Characteristics of Sibling
Violence
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Repetitive in nature
Often includes verbal threats
May include significant physical injury
Unexplained bruises or marks
Unwillingness for a sibling to spend
time alone with the other
Typically under reported by the victim
or excuses or explanations provided
by the offender
Normal Versus Violent
Arguments over physical
resources often common between
siblings
 Arguments over love, affection
and belonging more damaging
 Physical aggression with remorse
versus no remorse
 Violence towards sibling’s friends
 Violent themes in conversation
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Warning Signs For Parents
Unexplained “control” over
siblings
 Fear of being alone with sibling
 Fear of talking about issues
 Lack of communication with
parents due to inaction by
parents in the past
 Violence in conversation and
themes
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What We Can Do
Developing and Implementing Parent
Classes and Community Awareness
Teaching Parents
Education starts with Mom and
Dad, Grandparents and guardians
 Debunking common beliefs
 Learning how to talk to children
 Identifying key behaviors
 Providing scripts for
conversations
 Evaluating and monitoring family
dynamics
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What To Include
Address cruel behavior between
children
 Supervision of children
 Siblings as babysitters – pros and
cons
 Telltale signs of violence
 Hidden signs of violence
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Communication Basics
How to talk to the victim
 How to talk to the bully
 Managing power and control
 Transferring power and control
 I messages
 Managing emotions
 Avoiding blame
 Avoiding shut-downs by kids
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I Messages
I feel _________ (emotion) when
__________ (description)
because ______________ (how
it impacts me) and what I would
like is
________________(desired
resolution).
Transferring Power and
Control
Appropriate actions to take
 What is a realistic responsibility
for a child of a given age
 Emotional age versus
chronological age
 Consequences for inappropriate
actions
 Consequences for retaliation
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Talking With The Victimized
Child
I messages
 Empathy and understanding
 Providing support but not
fostering helplessness or lack of
empowerment
 Being honest not minimizing
 Taking responsibility as the
parent
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Talking As A Family
Conversations about violence and
abuse
 Conversations about positive
interactions
 Conflict resolution practice
 Communication skills
development
 Providing reasonable opportunity
for control and responsibility
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Additional Issues
Counseling for both children
 Family counseling to
develop/redevelop
communication and relationships
 Monitoring by an outside person
that has worked with the family
 Celebrations of success
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