Transcript 4 Toxic Ways to Communicate

4 Toxic Ways to
Communicate
…and how to change it!
Miss Markowski
4 Toxic Ways to Communicate
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2.
3.
4.
Escalation
Invalidation
Avoidance and withdrawal
Negative interpretation
Escalation
 Getting angrier and angrier until someone lashes out
 Destructive words, yelling, out of control behavior
 “Boiling point” is reached because fight or flight
response is triggered (anger, adrenaline)
 An unproductive blow out is all that is achieved
 Change it: Stop, take a time out is the BEST thing to
do here
 The brain needs sometimes over an hour to “cool
off”
Invalidation
 Put downs, name calling, labeling, blaming,
always/never phrases
 i.e.: “You never call when you say you will. You’re
always late!”
 Change it: XYZ statement
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X “when you did this…”
Y “in this situation…”
Z: it made me feel…”
 “When you didn’t call when you said you would, I
worried that something bad happened to you.” “When
you ignored me in front of your friends, I felt
embarassed.”
Avoidance and withdrawal
 One or both partners ‘shutting down’;
 Silent treatment, ignoring, leaving without finishing
the conversation, or agreeing with NO intention to
follow through (“whatever”)
 Change it: try redirecting the conversation
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This is important, let’s take time out and agree to
discuss it later (set a time and follow through)
Avoiding arguments will NOT make them go away!
Avoiding and withdrawing can create feelings of
isolation and lack of care
Negative interpretation
 Misunderstand what is being said and done,
when there isn’t anything negative at all
 Our own Expectations can get in the way
sometime
 Change it: look at things from the other
person’s point of view
5 Filters that block communication
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Inattention
Emotional states
Beliefs and/or expectations
Differences in communication style
Self-protection
Final Points to remember
 Bottom line: 50% of communication is
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listening
 so make sure we understand the
messages that others are intending us to
hear (not what we want to hear!)
Ask questions
Take “time outs”
Remember to focus on the PROBLEM not
the person!
It takes 5-15 positive interactions to
compensate for 1 negative interaction!