Transcript Modern Family - Episcopal High School

Modern Family
How talking about sex,
communication and boundaries is
essential to your healthy family
relationships
Look Familiar?!
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vtsR
yaD9Go
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Behaviors in an Unhealthy
Family
• The negative behavior is the most
important thing in the family life.
• The behavior is not the cause of family
problems – denial is.
• Blaming others, ignoring the issue, covering
up, alibis, loyalty to family enables.
• Nobody may discuss problem outside the
family.
• Nobody says what they feel or think.
Behaviors in a Healthy Family
• Self-worth is high.
• Communication is direct, clear, specific and
honest and feelings are expressed.
• Roles are flexible and appropriate.
• Each person has goals and plans to get
there, and is supported by the family.
• Consequences are clear and appropriate
Communication Continuum
Aggressive
PassiveAggressive
Assertive
PassiveAggressive
Passive
Aggresive
• Involves manipulation.
• Attempt to make people do what we want by
inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and
control (anger)
• Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met and right now!
• Although there are a few arenas where
aggressive behavior is called for (football, war), it
will never work in a relationship
• Ironically, the more aggressive sports rely heavily
on team members and rational coaches
Passive
• Based on compliance and hopes to avoid
confrontation at all costs
• Don't talk much, question even less, and
actually do very little
• Don't want to rock the boat
• Passives have learned that it is safer not to
react and better to disappear than to stand
up and be noticed
Passive-Aggresive
• Passive-aggressive passives avoids direct
confrontation
• Passive-aggressive aggressives attempts to
get even through manipulation
• Overt passive aggressiveness - using
sarcasm
• Covert passive aggressiveness –
consistently showing up late for class,
dinner, etc.
Assertive
• When you are expressing your feelings, wants
and needs clearly and without manipulation
• The most effective and healthiest form of
communication
• It's how we naturally express ourselves when our
self-esteem is intact
• Cares about the relationship and strives for a
win/win situation
• Establishes and maintains healthy boundaries
Reality Check:
Healthy Parent-Child
Communication impacts many
aspects of your teens life.
“Let’s Talk about Sex”
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QTL
N4_FqXQ
Parent-Child Communication about Sexuality
Promotes Sexually Healthy Behaviors.
• In a recent study, teens who spoke with parents about sex,
STD’s, birth control and abstinence were TWO times more
likely to use protection or abstain completely from risky
sexual activities
• Adolescents who have repeated communications about sex,
sexuality, and development with their parents, are more
likely to have an open and closer relationships with them,
• Youth whose parents are open, responsive, comfortable,
and confident in discussions about sex and related issues
participate less often in sexual risk behavior, suggesting
that the quality of communication influences the message
adolescents receive about sex.13
Kids Today…
• Know more about sex before we think they do
• Get their information about sex from their
friends, friend’s older siblings, and media
(Internet, TV, movies)
• Are dealing with more public relationships and
breakups than generations past
• Do not operate under the same gender roles.
Females are often initiating sexual activity.
• Want their information from YOU!
Facts and Stats
• 10% of sixth graders have had sex
• 50% of all teenagers have had sex by the
time they enter the 10th grade
• 70-90% of teens have had sex by 12th grade
• One in every five teenage girls will become
pregnant during high school
• Half of all teenagers don't believe oral sex
is sex
What are they doing?
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“Hooking up”
Oral sex
Intercourse
Anything in between
It is important for you as a family to
develop a definition of sex and to develop
an understanding of acceptable and
unacceptable behavior
Non-traditional Relationships
• Roughly 1 in 20 of our youth self identify as other than
heterosexual
• According to the CDC, these youths are 3-4 times more likely to
attempt suicide than their peers
• Each incident of physical or verbal harassment or abuse
increases the likelihood of self-harm behavior by 2.5 times on
average
• As parents and educators we have a duty to reflect compassion,
tolerance, and acceptance of youths in our community.
• If your child or someone you know is struggling in their identity
or relationships your tolerant attitude will make you the one
they go to for guidance
Physiologically
• Dopamine
– Males and females experience a 150% increase
in dopamine during sex
– This is the same neurotransmitter involved
with drug addiction
• Oxytocin
– Released in females during breastfeeding and
childbirth, causes mother to attach to child
– Also released during sex, causing a biological
attachment to sexual partner
The link between sex and
alcohol
When under the influence of alcohol, the
frontal lobe is not functioning at it’s highest
level. Executive functioning skills like judgment
and decision making go out the window.
What about other drugs?
What decreases the likelihood my kid will
have sex?
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Being sober
Involvement in school activities
Connectedness with family
Boundaries
The Dos and Don’ts
DO!
• Openly communicate your
beliefs, values and
expectations
• Start early!
• Establish standards of
acceptable sexual behavior
• Talk to them about love and
sex
• Spend time with your kids!
• Help your child be confident
in who they are and the
choices they make.
DON’T!
• Make assumptions
• Lecture, interrupt or give
advice
• Think they already know it all
• Think they are learning it in
school or from their friends
• Let them date anyone 3 years
older
• Subscribe to the saying, “Boys
will be boys.”
Discuss with your kids:
• How well do you have to know someone before
you do something sexual with them?
• How do you define knowing someone well?
• What do you feel comfortable doing with
someone sexually?
• What do you not want to do?
• How can you communicate that to the person
you are with?
• What would make it more difficult for you to
say what you want and don’t want?
What Choices Believes
• Experimentation with some physical relationships is a healthy and
normal part of a teen’s adolescence.
• We define “sex” as intercourse or oral sex.
• We believe that high school students should not engage in sex –
especially in their earlier high school years – both from a moral and
an emotional immaturity standpoint.
• Not everyone is “doing it” and we believe it is necessary to explain
your beliefs to your sons and daughters.
• Open communication and clear sharing of moral values is the only
way to encourage healthy relationships amongst our teens.
• Spirituality, the basis of your beliefs--translate scripture into real
life.
Imprinting & Pornography
• The term “Imprinting” is used to describe when a
person or animal learns characteristics of a certain
stimulus (pornography) which is therefore
“imprinted” as the desirable stimulus from here on
out…
• How may this effect your teens views on sexuality?
• We want parents to help decide what the healthy
“imprint” should look like for your child, not the
internet, social media or the unrealistic
expectations utilized in the pornography industry.
Spiritually
Narrow Way vs Wide Way Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is
wide and the road is easy that leads to
destruction and there are many who take it.
For the gate is hard that leads to life, and
there are few who find it.
“Check Your Baggage”
• What might be influencing the parenting
choices you make?
• What were your parents’ communication
styles?
• What role did you play in your family of
origin?
• How might your fears and anxieties affect
your parenting decisions?
References
• UT Health Science Center
– http://www.utteenhealth.org/parents_tips.asp
• Queen Bees and Wannabes
– Rosalind Wiseman
• SexEd
– A sexual health primer for teens and young
adults
• Dr. Phil
– http://drphil.com/articles/category/4/17/