Transcript Atomic Dog Publishing, Inc.

Chapter Seven
Partner Communication
and Sexuality
Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004
Intimacy, Relationship, and Sexual
Satisfaction
• Intimacy
The emotional closeness and bond between two
individuals.
Intimacy develops over time as couples disclose their
views, values, histories, goals, fears, dislikes, and
preferences to each other.
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Communication Theory - 1
• Identity Formation Theory
Looking Glass Self: The idea that the image people
have of themselves is a reflection of what other
people tell them about themselves.
• Social Learning Theory
Verbal behavior is influenced by its consequences;
stimuli following verbal behavior can increase or
decrease the future rate of response, depending on
whether the behavior is reinforced or punished.
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Communication Theory - 2
• Social Exchange Theory
Social exchange theorists combine behavioral
psychology and economic theory.
Exchange theorists suggest that the interaction
between partners can be described as a ratio of
rewards to costs.
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Principles of Effective Communication
in Intimate Relationships - 1
• Initiate Discussion of Important Issues
Failure to bring up a recurring relationship issue may
translate into the issue never being addressed.
• Choose Good Timing
Discuss important issues when:
 Partners are alone together with no distractions.
 Both partners have ample time to talk.
 When both partners are rested and sober.
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Principles of Effective Communication
in Intimate Relationships - 2
• Give Congruent Messages
 Verbal messages: Words individuals say to each
other
 Nonverbal messages: Type of communication
involving:
- Facial expressions
- Gestures
- Bodily contact
- Tone of voice
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Principles of Effective Communication
in Intimate Relationships - 3
• Minimize Criticism; Maximize Compliments
 Research on marital interaction has consistently shown that
one brutal “zinger” can erase 20 acts of kindness.
 Self-fulfilling prophecy: Behaving in such a way as to make
expectations come true
 Primacy/Recency Effect: The tendency of individuals to
remember best what occurs first and last in a sequence
• Communicate Feelings
To communicate emotions, a person must first recognize and
label, or describe, the emotions.
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Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate
Relationships - 4
Table 10-1 Rephrasing Complaints into Requests
Complaints
Requests
I don't like to make love when
you are sweaty and dirty
Please take a shower before we
make love. Or, I’ll guarantee
better sex if you shower first.
Don't rub so hard
Please rub more softly….like this
I don't want you to stay up so
late at night
How about coming to bed at
10:30 and let me know how I can
make it worth doing so?
Leave me alone; I'm trying to get We can have some long slow
ready for work!
sex after a glass of wine tonight
Whenever I ask you to massage
me, you end up wanting to have
sex with me
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Half the time, it would be nice for
you to massage me without
expecting sex
Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate
Relationships – 5
Table 10-2 Examples of Vague and Specific
Communication
Vague
Specific
I want more foreplay
I would like for us to kiss and
gently rub each other more than
we do now. I mean, maybe for 15
minutes or so.
I'd like us to try something new
I'd like us to use a vibrator. I hear
the Rabbit is a real buzz.
Let’s spice up our sex life with a
video sometime
Let’s rent an adult video
Saturday night
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Principles of Effective Communication
in Intimate Relationships - 6
• Tell Your Partner What You Want
Rather than complain about what you don’t want, it is
helpful to make requests for, or statements about,
what you do want.
• Make Statements Instead of Asking Questions
When partners are uncomfortable, they may put their
statements in the form of questions.
Question: “Do you think we should see a sex therapist?”
Statement: “I would like for us to see a sex therapist.”
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Principles of Effective Communication
in Intimate Relationships - 8
• Make Statements Instead of Asking Questions
When partners are uncomfortable or unwilling to
express their feelings and wants, they may put their
statements in the form of questions.
• Ask Open-Ended Questions
 Open-ended question: A broad question
designed to elicit a great deal of information
 Closed-ended question: Type of question that
yields little information and can be answered in one
word
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Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate
Relationships - 7
Table 10-3 Open-Ended and Closed-Ended Questions
Open-Ended Questions
Close-Ended Questions
What are your thoughts about
condom use?
Do you have a condom?
What can I do to please you
sexually?
Would you like oral sex?
Do you want children? How
many?
Tell me your thoughts about
having children.
Do you want to try rear-entry
How do you feel about trying
position? Have sex in the rocking something new?
chair? Blindfold me?
Do you believe in abortion?
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What are your views on
abortion?
Principles of Effective Communication
in Intimate Relationships - 8
• Use Reflective Listening
Communication technique in which one person
restates the meaning of what his or her partner has
said in a conversation.
• Use “I” Statements
 “I” statements: Statements that focus on the
feelings and thoughts of the communicator without
making a judgment on what the other person says
or does.
 “You” statements: Statements that blame or
criticize the listener.
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Principles of Effective Communication
in Intimate Relationships - 9
• Personal Choices: What to Do When Your Partner
Will Not Communicate
 Change your strategy.
 Interpret silence in a positive way. (This negates
any power your partner might be expressing
through silence.)
 Focus less on the relationship and more on
satisfying yourself.
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Principles of Effective Communication
in Intimate Relationships - 10
• Keep the Process Going
Do not allow the content to shut down the process.
• Take Responsibility for Being Understood
Restate thoughts and ideas until the partner
understands the message.
• Avoid Rehashing/Stay focused
Keep the focus on the intent of the discussion.
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Honesty and Dishonesty in
Interpersonal Communication - 1
• Forms of Dishonesty and Deception
In addition to telling outright lies, people may
exaggerate the truth, pretend, or conceal the truth.
Self-deception occurs when people deny or fail to
acknowledge personal thoughts, values, or goals.
• Privacy Versus Secrecy and Deception
The more intimate the relationship, the greater the
desire is to share personal and private thoughts with
partners.
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Honesty and Dishonesty in Interpersonal
Communication - 2
• Extent of Dishonesty Among College Students
Lying in relationships among college students is not
uncommon.
• Personal Choices: Is Honesty Always the Best
Policy?
Some individuals believe that relationships can be
functional only when a certain amount of illusion is
maintained.
Being open yourself may also be used against you.
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Resolving Conflict in Relationships - 1
• Steps for Resolving Conflict
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Resolving Conflict in Relationships - 2
• Approach Communication from a Premise of
Respect/Negotiation
Each partner must regard the other as an equal and
acknowledge that each partner’s perspective and
view deserve respect.
• Address Any Recurring Issues
By expressing concern, a partner identifies the
problem from his or her perspective and asks for the
partner’s cooperation in solving it.
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Resolving Conflict in Relationships - 3
• Focus on What You Want (Rather Than What You
Don’t Want)
Dealing with conflict is more likely to result in
resolution if the partners focus on what they want
rather than what they don’t want.
• Find Out Your Partner’s Point of View
Ask your partner open-ended questions in an effort to
get him or her to express thoughts and feelings about
a particular situation.
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Resolving Conflict in Relationships - 4
• Generate Win-Win Solutions to the Conflict

Win-win solution: Outcome of an interpersonal conflict
in which both people feel satisfied with the agreement
or resolution
• Evaluate and Select a Solution
 Is the solution specific?
 Is the solution realistic?
 Does the solution prevent the problem from
recurring?
 Does the solution specify what is to happen if the
problem recurs?
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Gender Differences in
Communication
• Men and women are socialized in different same-sex
cultures, and when they talk to the other sex, it is like
talking to a member of another culture.
• Men generally approach communication like public
speaking or giving a report; they see talk as for
information.
• Women generally engage in “rapport-talk,” using talk
for interaction and establishing connections.
Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004