Transcript Commitment Scenarios

Commitment
Contents
1.
2.
Main Presentation
Appenicies
1.
2.
O’Neill’s notes on sharing
commitments
O’Neill’s model for a committed
relationship.
Considering Commitment
Main Presentation.
Overview
 The
purpose of this presentation is to:
Assess the key principles of Romantic
commitment.
 Suggest an approach for developing a
committed relationship.
 Make a preliminary effort to apply that
approach to the situation between
Cathleen McDonald & O’Neill Stanleigh
with initial input only from O’Neill.

Key Principles of Romantic Commitment I
What is Commitment?
 Commitment
is here understood to
mean choosing courses of action which
determine and define one’s identity.
Examples of Commitment are:
 I’m Committed to being a parent.
 I’m Committed to being a musician.
Key Principles of Romantic Commitment II
Choice and Acceptance
 Romantic
Commitment is a choice to
define one’s identity around another.
 Prior to making this choice each partner
has made commitments as an
individual.
 Romantically committed couples
manage all their previous individual
commitments together and make all
future commitments the same way.
Together.
Commitment Concerns

There are significant draw backs to Romantic
Commitment which are unavoidable in pursuit
of a committed relationship. These can
include, but are not limited to:
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Confinement to one sexual partner.
Unavoidable periods of conflict and volatility as
one partner experiences changes before the other
has a chance to react or adapt.
Surrendering absolute control of one’s personal
identity or development to incorporate the needs
and interests of another.
Why Commitment?
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There is a significant body of anecdotal evidence
provided by couples who have participated in
sustained romantic commitments lasting many years
that their relationships evolve and become
tremendously rewarding despite, or perhaps because
of, periods of tremendous upheaval and strain.
Commitment, previously defined here as a function of
identity, guarantees that one will never develop a
point of view or outlook which is not supported,
considered, and understood by another.
Managing Expectations
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Expectations about what to expect from a committed
relationship need to be realistically set around long
term goals and gains.
The rewards of commitment are attained only by
transitioning through complex and sometimes painful
adjustments as each person goes from defining their
identity individually, to defining it around the choice to
remain committed to a partner.
Mistakes are often made, and both parties will on
occasion need to be forgiven so long as mistakes are
acknowledged, and not repeated.
Building Romantic
Commitment
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Romantic Couples must assess the commitments
and identities they each bring to their relationship.
Couples must assess how they can share their
previous commitments with one another.
Couples must decide on how they will make all
future commitments together.
Cathleen & O’Neill
A case study.
Case Study Approach

In this section we will apply the three principles for
Building Romantic Commitment outlined in a previous
slide, and apply them to Cathleen & and O’Neill.
Once again, they are:
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Romantic Couples must assess the commitments and
identities they each bring to their relationship.
Couples must assess how they can share their previous
commitments with one another.
Couples must decide on how they will make all future
commitments together.
I. Previous Commitments
Cathleen
 Mother of Siobhan.
 Eldest sibling of 7.
 Member of a broad
community in her home
town.
 Friend
 Inclined to exploring the
world and universe
through experiences
with others.
O’Neill
 Musician.
 Son and Brother.
 Friend.
II. Sharing Previous
Commitments
Cathleen
 TBA
O’Neill
 See Appendix 1
III. Making Future
Commitments Together

Commitments involve choices which shape a
person’s identity. If O’Neill and Cathleen choose to
Commit to each other, each must respect the other’s
need to participate in any changes and growth they
experience. This would mean Cathleen and O’Neill
would commit to consulting with one another, and not
make any decisions without the other’s agreement or
participation, on decisions involving the areas listed
on Slide 16.
III. Making Future Commitments
Together Slide 16

To Participate in a committed relationship Cathleen
and O’Neill would commit to taking no action in the
following areas without mutual agreement.
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Sex
Psychotropic, or potentially addictive drugs
Financial choices involving more that 5% of their combined income.
Travel.
Employment.
Place of residence.
Time spent outside of normal routine (ie let each other know if they
aren’t going to be around on a weekend if they live apart, and call if
late getting home while living together, etc.)
Conclusion

This presentation is meant to outline what a
constructive and objective approach to
considering a committed relationship can look
like.
 It is of course completely and utterly insane.
 So is love, and so are life and relationships.
 So why not?
Apendicies
I.
II.
O’Neill’s notes on Sharing
previous commitments.
O’Neill’s outline for a
committed relationship with
Cathleen.
Sharing Commitments I
 Conflict
between Cathleen and O’Neill
has developed around how to share
their previous commitments.
 Recommendation
 Cathleen
and O’Neill should try to consider
how they can share their previous
commitments together in a committed
relationship.
Sharing Commitments II
O’Neill on his commitments
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Commitment #1: Musician.
O’Neill has defined his identity prior to meeting
Cathleen around his commitment to be a
musician.
This commitment is built around:
- Youthful desire to communicate w. his father.
- Intuitive & Spiritual perception that it is correct
and necessary to develop an identity by making
and maintaining commitments.
- Commitment to communicating his intuitions of
honesty, honestly through music.

Sharing Commitments II
O’Neill on his commitments
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Problems w. Commitment #1: Musician.
Art, and artistry are highly individualistic commitments
and they are very difficult to share. O’Neill’s
commitment to music leaves him answering to
creative intuitions which he makes into music
because they are difficult to articulate any other way.
To date O’Neill’s commitment to music has caused
problems because intuition and inspiration are
difficult to schedule. O’Neill has trouble sharing
scheduling with Cathleen around all of her
commitments because he feels it leaves him without
enough time to honor his own commitment to be a
musician.
Sharing Commitments II
O’Neill on his commitments

Options Sharing Commitment #1: Musician.
1.
Cathleen can prioritize which of her commitments
she wishes O’Neill to share. Previously O’Neill tried
to share all commitments directly involving Siobhan,
and had difficulty also finding time to share for trips
to see Cathleen’s family and friends. If Cathleen can
honor O’Neill’s commitment to music by respecting
his need for time to make it that might help her see
the positive value in prioritizing which commitments
she needs him to participate in.
Sharing Commitments II
O’Neill on his commitments

Options Sharing Commitment #1: Musician.
2. Cathleen and O’Neill can try to forge common goals
as musicians together, and meet them. This is an
idealistic and romantic goal, but the reality is while
making music is of interest to both Cathleen and
O’Neill, they have not been equally committed to it
to date. For this truly to be an option O’Neill would
need to be able to expect Cathleen to make finding
time for making music as much of a priority for
herself as it is for him . She would probably need to
be willing to take time away from some of her other
commitments to do this.
Sharing Commitments II
O’Neill on his commitments

Options Sharing Commitment #1:
Musician.

O’Neill has proposed the previous two
options for the purpose of opening dialog.
He welcomes other ideas and
suggestions.
Sharing Commitments II
O’Neill on his commitments
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Options Sharing Commitment #2: Brother &
Son.
 O’Neill will need to be available to see his
mother and brother in crisis situations
involving:
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Health
Legal difficulty
Emotional Crisis
O’Neill will need to see his mother and
brother with Cathleen on at least three other
occasions each year including ONE of the
major Autumn/Winter Holidays.
Sharing Commitments II
O’Neill on his commitments
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Options Sharing Commitment #3: Friend.
 O’Neill will need to be available to see
Friends known to Cathleen in crisis situations
involving:
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Health
Legal difficulty
Emotional Crisis
O’Neill will need to see his friends on
occasion with Cathleen’s knowledge, and
consent, and participation as she sees fit on
occasions so long as it doesn’t conflict with
his commitment to her.
Sharing Commitments III
Cathleen on her commitments

Sharing commitments involves describing
how one would like to see things work, and
how one would like to share commitment. It
would be interesting for each person in a
relationship to know what their partner
pictures as how things should work. It can
help both partners feel they gave things a
chance to try sharing this. Cathleen’s
thoughts on this topic are TBA.
Appendix II.
O’Neill’s model for a committed
relationship to Cathleen.
O’Neill’s model for a
committed relationship.
Cathleen and O’Neill will commit to
implementing the elements listed on Slide 29.
 Cathleen and O’Neill will maintain a
relationship featuring all the features on
Slides 29 and 30 for two years.
 After two years maintaining a relationship
with the features on Slides 29 & 30 O’Neill &
Cathleen will pursue marriage and having
children (probably very quickly to make up for
lost time).
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Slide 29: O’Neill’s model for a
committed relationship. Key Terms

Cathleen to quit Tobacco smoking
 O’Neill & Cathleen to maintain finances jointly.
 O’Neill to join Cathleen as primary care giver for
Siobhan.
 Cathleen to take one year to establish with her family,
Siobhan, and Siobhan’s family that O’Neill is a
primary care giver to Siobhan along with her.
 Cathleen & O’Neill to cohabitate after one year
maintaining or establishing these terms.
 Cathleen & O’Neill to marry and have children after
one full year cohabitating and maintaining these
terms.
 Cathleen & O’Neill to make all agreements together
about matters detailed in Slide 16.
Slide 30: O’Neill’s model for a
committed relationship. Secondary
Terms
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Cathleen to reply to all emails from O’Neill, even if
only with single sentences such as “We’ll talk later.”
O’Neill to hold Cathleen’s hand whenever it is offered
whenever possible.
O’Neill and Cathleen to go out dancing at least once
a month.
O’Neill and Cathleen and Siobhan to travel / Road
Trip at least three times a year.
O’Neill and Cathleen and Siobhan to designate one
night a week as “Game night” to play board games,
or video games, at home together.
O’Neill and Cathleen to spend time together with
friends or family once a month.