Transcript 5 Brush Strokes

To Write Well, We Need to
Learn to See Well
Nurturing the visual eye
in your writing brings
heart, soul, and LIFE to
your writing.
Compare
It was winter.
Everything was
frozen and white with
snow. Snow had
fallen from the sky for
days. The weather
was horrible.
Mossflower lay deep in the grip of
midwinter beneath a sky of leaden
gray that showed tinges of scarlet
and orange on the horizon. A cold
mantle of snow draped the
landscape, covering the flatlands to
the west. Snow was everywhere,
filling the ditches, drifting high
against the hedgerows, making
paths invisible, smoothing the
contours of earth in its white
embrace. –Brian Jacques (1988)
It’s important to Paint
With Words
Writer’s images– details,
colors, shapes,
movement--arise out of
what the eye sees.
Powerful writers
visualize specific details
that create a virtual
reality.
Compare: Which one creates
the mental equivalent
of a film?
Amateur writer:
Mary was tired.
Pro:
Mary shuffled into the
kitchen, yawning and
blinking. Collapsing into
the chair, she closed her
eyes, crossed her arms
for a pillow, and slowly
tucked her head onto the
fold.
Your Job: Lead Readers
Through a Visual Journey
Use images abundantly
Use close-ups
Use action scenes
Use angle shots.
Select words like colors on a
palette.
Apply sentence structures like
brush strokes to a verbal
canvass
Five Basic Brush Strokes
The writer’s basic
repertoire of grammatical
sentence structures:
The participle
The absolute
The appositive
Adjectives shifted out of
order
Action verbs
Brush Stroke #1:
Painting with Participles
Simply put: a participle is
an ing verb place at the
beginning or end of a
sentence.
For example:
Change “The diamond
back water snake
attacked its prey”
To:
“Hissing, slithering, and
coiling, the diamond
back snake attacked its
prey.”
Improvise Through Using
Phrases
For example, ad
participial phrases and
modifiers that complete
the image:
“Hissing its forked red
tongue and coiling its
cold body, the diamondback snake attacked its
prey.”
Using single participles
creates rapid movement.
Expanded phrases add
details at a slower but
equally intense pace.
EXAMPLES FROM
PROFESSIONALS:
Shifting the weight of the
line to his left shoulder
and kneeling carefully, he
washed his hand in the
ocean and held it there,
submerged, for more than
a minute, watching the
blood trail away and the
steady movement of the
water against his hand as
the boat moved.
(Ernest Hemingway, The
Old Man and the Sea.
1952, 56-57)
The man got out of the
chair with difficulty,
pushing himself up with
his arms, holding his
breath as he rose.
(Robert Ludlum, Bourne
Identity, 1975, 23)
Student Examples:
Flying through the air on
the wings of a dream, the
Olympic long jumper
thrust the weight of his
whole body forward.
(Cathleen Conroy)
Melody froze, dripping
with sweat hoping with all
her might that they
wouldn’t hear the noise. A
beam of light swung out
into the darkness,
searching. (Becky Swab)
Lesson 2:
Painting with Absolutes
Definition: an absolute is
a two-word combination,
a noun and an ing or ed
verb added to a
sentence.
Example:
Instead of saying “The
cat climbed the tree,”
Add two absolutes to
give it detail:
“Claws digging, feet
kicking, the cat climbed
the tree.”
Try this visualization to
help you understand:
Close your eyes.
Picture a mountain
climber moving along a
steep cliff.
Pause. Visualize this onesentence description.
“The mountain climber
edged along the cliff.”
Now I will add a brush stroke:
a noun with an ing participle.
Eyes still closed, watch what
happens to you as I add two
absolutes:
“The mountain climber edged
along the cliff, hands shaking,
feet trembling.” OR
“Hands shaking, feed
trembling, the mountain
climber edged along the cliff.
Rule of Thumb
Three absolutes
overloads and diminishes
the effect.
Absolute phrases are
effective (similarly to
participles.)
One or two creates a
more dynamic image
than the original.
For example, you might
have used a an absolute
phrase such as: “Feet
trembling on the snow
covered rocks, the
mountain climber edged
along the cliff.”
Use the Comma like a
Zoom Lens.
The writer can zoom in on any
part that is already framed by
the original sentence.
You can use a coma zoom at
either the beginning or the end
of a sentence.
Example:
The mummy was moving. The mummy’s
right arm was outstretched, the torn
wrappings hanging from it, as the being
stepped out of its gilded box. The
scream froze in her throat. The thing was
coming towards her—towards Henry
who stood with his back to it—moving
with a weak, shuffling gait, that arm
outstretched before it, the dust rising
from the rotting linen that covered it, a
great smell of dust and decay filling the
room.
(The Mummy, Anne Rice 1989, p. 72.)
Student Examples:
Mind racing, anxiety
overtaking, the diver
peered once more at the
specimen. (Erin Stralka)
I glanced at my clock,
digits glowing
fluorescent blue in the
inky darkness of my
room.” (Jenn Coppolo)
One of the most common
brush strokes in the
action sequences of
fiction, the absolute
infuses action into word
painting.
Absolutes Infuse Action
Into a Word Painting
Brush Stroke #3:
Painting with Appositives
An appositive is a noun
that adds a second
image to the preceding
noun in the sentence.
Example:
The appositive amplifies
still images.
Becomes:
The raccoon enjoys eating
turtle eggs.
“The raccoon, a scavenger,
enjoys eating turtle eggs.”
Set off the additional
image/information with
commas.
Expand the appositive
to a phrase
Example:
“The raccoon, a midnight
scavenger who roams lake
shorelines in search of food,
enjoys eating turtle eggs.”
Example from the Pros:
An example from
writer Cornelius Ryan
in The Longest Day:
June 6, 1944. He
could have written: “A
phalanx of ships and
planes bore down on
Hitler’s Europe.”
Instead he wrote:
Plowing through the choppy gray
waters, a phalanx of ships bore down
on Hitler’s Europe: Fast new attack
transports, slow rust-scarred
freighters, small ocean liners, channel
steamers, hospital ships, weatherbeaten tanks, and swarms of fussing
tugs. Barrage balloon flew above the
ships. Squadrons of fighter planes
weaved below the clouds. And
surround this cavalcade of ships
packed with men, guns, tanks and
motor vehicles and supplies came a
formidable array of 702 warships.
(1959, 243)
Student Examples:
Appositives and Appositive
Phrases
The volcano, a ravenous God of fire,
spewed forth lava and ash across the
mountain. (Ben Quagliata)
The waterfall, a tilted-pitcher, poured
the fresh, pure spray into the creek.
The essence of natural beauty,
tranquil and majestic, it seemed to
enchant the forest with a mystical
rush that echoed throughout the
untouched virgin paradise. (Allie
Archer)
The fish, a slimy
mass of flesh, felt
the alligator’s faint
teeth sink into his
scales as he
struggled to get
away. (Lindsey
Kanhen)
Appositive Images Are
Often Used to Add Clarity
All brush strokes work
equally well for fiction or
non-fiction, or poetry, but
each genre creates a
different emphasis.
300 ×
Brush Stroke #4
Painting with Adjectives
Shifted Out of Order
Adjectives out of order,
used more often by fiction
authors, amplify the
details of an image.
Beginning writers
sometimes use too many
adjectives in their
sentences. This dilutes the
sentence’s power.
Advanced writers avoid
three-in-a-row string by
using adjectives out of
order.
Here’s How…
Leave one adjective in its
original place.
Shift the others after the
noun.
Example: ”The large bull
moose, red-eyed and
angry, charged the
intruder.”
The effect creates a
spotlight and intensifies
the image, in addition to
creating a dynamic
rhythm as opposed to a
simple cadence when all
the adjectives are in a
row.
Examples from Pros
“And then, suddenly, in
the very dead of the
night, there came a
sound to my ears, clear,
resonant, and
unmistakable” (The
Hound of the
Baskervilles, Sir Arthur
Conan Doyle, 1968, 72).
Listen to the loss of the
sentences power when
the adjectives are given
in a row: “And then,
suddenly, in the very
dead of the night, there
came a clear, resonant,
unmistakable sound to
my ears.”
Further Examples
“The Pavilion was a
simple city, long and
rectangular” (The
Alienist, Caleb Carr,
1994, 27).
Notice the focus created.
“I could smell Mama,
crisp and starched,
plumping my pillow, and
the cool muslin
pillowcase touched both
my ears as the back of
my head sank into all
those feathers.” (A Day
No Pigs Would Die,
Robert Newton Peck,
1984, 12)
Student Examples:
The woman, old and
wrinkled, smiled upon her
newborn great-grandson
with pride.
(Stephanie Schwallie)
The boxer, twisted and
tormented, felt no
compassion for his
contender. (
Chirs Hloros)
Other ideas
Adjectives can also be
shifted out of order to
introduce a sentence, but
this isn’t common and
sometimes weakens the
verb.
The image might be more
effective if you find a way to
reduce the adjectives and
include a verb instead.
Brushstroke #5:
Painting with Action Verbs
By eliminating passive
voice and reducing being
verbs, writers can
energize action images.
Passive voice verbs
communicate no action.
The image is like a still
photo with the action
frozen with prepositions:
by or with.
Typically, passive voice
verbs require the help of a
being verb.
Example:
The runaway horse was
ridden into town by an old,
white-whiskered rancher.
The grocery store was
robbed by two armed men.
Passive Voice vs.
Active Voice
Passive voice sentences:
The runaway horse was
ridden into town by an
old, white-whiskered
rancher.
The grocery store was
robbed by two armed
men.
Revised sentences
getting rid of the passive
voice:
The old, white-whiskered
rancher rode the
runaway horse into town.
Two armed men robbed
the grocery store.
Being Verbs Slow Action
Being verbs usually
cause the writer to tell
about action rather than
show it.
Replace being verbs with
active verbs to improve
your sentences’ power.
For example: The Nerk
Knocker is a strange
mechanical contraption.
It brews coffee while
beating a drum solo.
Combine sentences for
more power: “The Nerk
Knocker, a strange
mechanical contraption,
brews coffee while
beating a drum solo.”
Action Verbs transform still
photos into motion pictures
Try this. Close your eyes
and listen to this
sentence while you
visualize the scene:
“The gravel road was on
the left side of the barn.
“The gravel road curled
around the left side of
the barn.”
Curls creates motion.
The being verb was
creates a still image—not
nearly as dynamic.
Compare the drafts
Draft 1: uses the being verb
Draft 2: uses active verbs
Rockwell was a beautiful lake.
Canada geese could be heard
across the water bugling like
tuneless trumpets. Near the
shore, two children were
hidden behind a massive maple
tree. Watching quietly, they
hope to see the first gosling
begin to hatch. Tiny giggles
escaped their whispers of
excitement.
Rockwell lake echoed with
the sounds of Canada geese
Their honking bugled across
the water like tuneless
trumpets. The two children
hid behind a massive maple
tree. They silently watched,
hoping to see the first gosling
begin to hatch. Tiny giggles
escaped their whispers of
excitement (Jiveden and
Jiveden 1997, 1)
Blend strokes together
As you gain control of
the previous five brush
strokes, you can blend
them into paragraphs,
stories and poems.