Transcript Revision for Concision

Revision for Concision
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should
contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no
unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a
drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a
machine no unnecessary parts. That requires not that
the writer make all his sentences short, or that he
avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline,
but that every word tell.
--William Strunk, The Elements of Style
Paragraph Island
Q: What is a paragraph?
A: Presents single idea
A: Topic sentence
A: Organized
A: Make paper flow
A: Bunch of sentences
Bunch of Sentences
 Q: What is a sentence?
 A: Declarative (“I edited the sentence.”)
 A: Imperative (“Edit the sentence.”)
 A: Interrogative (“Should I edit the sentence?”)
 A: Exclamation (“I edited the sentence?”)
 Bunch of words that expresses a complete thought.
Fused Sentence
 FUSED SENTENCE: run-on sentence that has no
punctuation to mark the break between ideas.


Fused sentence: Geologists learn about the origins of
the earth they study rocks.
Correct sentence: Geologists learn about the origins
of the earth through their study of rocks.
Why Punctuation?
 First of all, let’s get this straight: The Russian
Federation of 2016 is not the Soviet Union of 1986.
True, it covers most of the same territory and is run
by some of the same thugs. But the Marxist ideology
is gone, and so is the superpower status. We’re
talking about a more or less ordinary corrupt
petrostate here, although admittedly a big one that
happens to have nukes.
“Why Punctuation?” references the following article: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/12/opinion/thugs-and-kisses.html?ref=opinion
Why Punctuation?
 I mention all of this because Donald Trump’s
effusive praise for Vladimir Putin — which actually
reflects a fairly common sentiment on the right —
seems to have confused some people.
Why Punctuation?
 On one side, some express puzzlement over the
spectacle of right-wingers — the kind of people who
used to yell “America, love it or leave it!” — praising
a Russian regime. On the other side, a few people on
the left are anti-anti-Putinists, denouncing criticism
of Mr. Trump’s Putin-love as “red-baiting.” But
today’s Russia isn’t Communist, or even leftist; it’s
just an authoritarian state, with a cult of personality
around its strongman, that showers benefits on an
immensely wealthy oligarchy while brutally
suppressing opposition and criticism.
Why Punctuation?
 And that, of course, is what many on the right
admire.
Comma
 Q: I use it when I need to take a break in writing or
reading, right—for a pause?
When to Use the Comma
 Punctuation mark that helps keep distinct separate ideas
that are complete sentences. They are also
ESPECIALLY important in a SERIES, after
introductory words and phrases, around interrupting
words and phrases and in compound and complex
sentences.
 Series of nouns: The conference is in Jackson,
Memphis, and Dallas.
 Series of verbs: We will eat, drink, smoke, and be
merry at the conference.
 Series of phrases: She danced well, kept her head up,
maintained eye contact, and bit her bottom lip.
When to Use the Comma
• Series of phrases: She danced well, kept her head up,
maintained eye contact, and bit her bottom lip.
 After introductory words:
 Yes, I do love you.
 Honestly, you are not stupid.
 However, you are not smart.
 Introductory phrase:
 After his meal, Donald smoked a cigar.
 Certainly, you may have another glass of wine.
 However, you may not drive home.
When to Use the Comma
 Around interrupting words and phrases:



My co-worker, for example, eats fried chicken while
typing.
Kyle, frankly, needs to eat his lunch in the break
room.
The company, in the middle of firing all employees
who eat at their desk, needs to also ban laughing
while working.
When to Use the Comma
 Commas in compound sentences (which
contains two or more complete sentences—
think FANBOYS—joined by coordinating
conjunctions.
 The job is interesting, and the fried chicken is free.
 The job requires fluency in French, but you don’t
need experience frying chicken.
 John used fry burgers at Wendy’s, but now he fries
chicken at Popeye’s.
Comma Splice
 Run-on sentence that uses comma to connect two
complete ideas, or, in other words, two complete
sentences.


Comma splice: Mount St. Helens is an active volcano, it
violently erupted on May 18, 1980.
Correct: Mount St. Helens is an active volcano. It violently
erupted on May 18, 1980.
 *Semi-colon also works well here.
When to Use a Comma
 Commas in complex sentences: complex sentence
contains one or more dependent clauses (incomplete ideas /
sentences). When a subordinate conjunction—a word such as
because, although, or unless—is added to a clause, it makes
the clause dependent.
 Commas in complex sentences: complex sentence
contains one or more dependent clauses (incomplete ideas /
sentences). When a subordinate conjunction—a word such as
because, although, or unless—is added to a clause, it makes
the clause dependent.
 Comma: Because she loves helping people (dependent
clause), she will become a nurse (main clause).
 No comma: She will study nursing (main clause) because
she loves helping people.
Semicolon ;
 You mean this is like having the best of both worlds?
 You mean it’s like having birthday cake and being
able to eat it, too.
 What does that mean?
 It means you have choices: you can either use the
period or the comma, so why not combine both.
How the Semicolon Works
 Use a semicolon to separate clauses when there’s no
coordinating conjunction in between—or when the
coordinating conjunction is invisible.



The dog chased the mailman; the mailman ran up the
tree.
The dog chased the mailman, and the mailman ran up
the tree.
The dog chased the mailman. The mailman ran up the
tree.
How the Semicolon Works
 Separate items in a series when there’s already a
comma in one or more of the items (watch how I use
the colon here):

Teddy brought the following items with him to camp: his
Spider Man blanket; his super heroes; his box of Crayons; and
his favorite pillow.
What’s a Colon, then?
 If the semicolon is the best of both worlds—you have
choices to make—then the colon signifies the
following: you don’t have a choice.
 When the aliens come to earth and eat all the
punctuation marks, there will only be one who
survives: the colon.
 Sebastian said it best: “It all depends.”
 Only one things matters: love.
Jelly Donut Sentence
 Or why dashes taste so good.
 Parenthetical expression: phrase or clause that
interrupts—because that’s way to deliver a blow—
another phrase or clause.
 I mention all of this because Donald Trump’s
effusive praise for Vladimir Putin — which actually
reflects a fairly common sentiment on the right —
seems to have confused some people.
Two Hyphens = Dash
 You don’t have to worry about punctuation—let the
punctuation do the worrying for you.
 I walked into the kitchen and the lights were off—
until 30 of my best friends jumped out screamed
“Happy Birthday.”
Bunch of Words
 Q: What is a word?
 A: The smallest element that can be expressed with
semantic (literal) or pragmatic (practical) content.
 Word to Big Bird.
 Bunch of parts of speech.
Bunch of Parts of Speech
 Q: What are the parts of speech?
 A: Category to which word is assigned depending on
its syntactic functions.
 A: 8 parts, right?
Parts of Speech
 Noun: name of person, place, or thing.
 Adjective: describes, gives more information about noun.
 Adverb: modifies a verb, adjective, or another adverb.
 Conjunction: joins two words, phrases, together and




shows how they are connected.
Pronoun: replaces the noun.
Verb: shows an action or state of being.
Preposition: shows the relationship of a noun or pronoun
to another word.
Interjection: Word phrase, expresses strong emotion!
1. To be/is verbs
 Go through and find all the "to be" or "is" verbs:
these words describe the “states of being” of people
or things in a sentence.
 Examples: is, was, has been, will be, are, become.
Now, UNDERLINE all of them.
 Next, go through and find all your verbs that end in ing. Put a STAR on these. When you revise, try and
get rid of half of the to be verbs and the -ing verbs
(present participle). For example: "James is signing."
How about: "James sings." Remember: when the
aliens come, they'll eat the -ing verbs first.
1. To be/is verbs
 When you revise, try and get rid of half of the to be
verbs and the -ing verbs (present participle).
 For example: "James is signing." How about: "James
sings." Remember: when the aliens come, they'll eat
the -ing verbs first.
Preposition
 Word that links a noun, pronoun, and phrases to
other words in a sentence. It expresses a relationship
based on movement or position.
Prepositional Phrase
 Phrase (group of words that is missing a subject, a
verb, or both, and it is not a complete sentence)
made up of a preposition and its object (noun or
pronoun).
2. Preposition Hunt
 Next, go on a preposition hunt: a PREPOSITION is
any word or group of words that relates a noun or
pronoun to another word in a sentence.
Preposition Hunt
 Some common prepositions: about, after, among,
behind, down up, from, of, off, past, before,
underneath, with, above, during, beyond, in, since,
until, within, according to, along, at beside, by
except, into, on, through, up, without, across, amid,
before, besides, concerning, for, like, over toward,
upon.
Preposition Hunt
 CIRCLE each preposition. During revision, see if you
can get rid of half of them.
Preposition Hunt
 Remember: If something costs $1.01, a penny is
necessary. And if you go to the store, well, the "to,"
like the penny, is necessary. But rather than getting
back 99 cents in change, how about giving the clerk a
penny, but only if needed. Right?
 You don't want a lot of change, or hiccups, or
prepositions in your writing. Necessary, yes, but use
them only when there is no other choice.
3. Windup Phrases
 These are phrases, usually prepositional phrases,
that set up an idea to be expressed in a sentence.
3. Windup Phrases
 Some windups are necessary or important to the
meaning of the sentences they introduce, but others
just make sentences wordy or unnecessarily
complex. Deciding whether a windup is necessary or
not depends on the context.
Windup Phrases
Examples of windups:
 “According to the results...” “In the next part of the
lab...” “In order to understand X concept...”
 PUT THEM IN BRACKETS
 In revision, stick to what Hemingway said: "Don't
confuse movement for action." Or, as I say, "If you
got a 105 mile per hour fast ball, why throw a
knuckleball." Just let it go.
4. It/This/That/Because/Which
 Put a SQUARE around each of these.
 Go back and get rid of most of them.
 Feel your writing jump off the page.
 Remember: Less is More. Recession writing. Save
your words.
5. FANBOYS
 Put a TRIANGLE around each one. Now, remove the
COMMA before the FANBOY (you should have one.
Right?)
Say what—Fanboys?
 For: Indicates a reason. Example: A monarchy is expensive to






maintain, for it costs a lot to upkeep royal institutions.
And: joins two ideas. Example: Royal families receive public
money, and each member gets an allowance.
Nor: to indicate a negative idea. Example: Americans do not have a
monarchy, nor do they want one.
But: to contrast ideas Example: Spain has a monarchy, but the
United States does not have a king or queen.
Or: to offer an alternative Example: A king can rule, or he can
abdicate the thrown.
Yet: to introduce a surprising idea. Example: Britain’s Prince
Williams is popular, but he is also really shy.
So: to indicate a cause and effect relationship. Example: Some
monarchies have abolished their “males only” rule, so some women
now assume the thrown.
FANBOYS
 REPLACE with a SEMI-COLON, which will join the
two independent clauses (group of words containing
a subject and verb, and expresses a complete
thought; this is also a complete sentence.
FANBOYS
 Feel around for FANBOYS (coordinating
conjunctions: for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so).
 Put a TRIANGLE around each one. Now, remove the
COMMA before the FANBOY (you should have one.
Right?) and REPLACE with a SEMI-COLON, which
will join the two independent clauses (group of
words containing a subject and verb, and expresses a
complete thought; this is also a complete sentence.
6. COLON
 Find a sentence that introduces a quote. She said,"I
told you..." Now, remove the comma and replace
with a colon there.
 She said: "I told you...".
7. INDEPENDENT CLAUSES
 Find two sentences (independent clauses) where the
second sentence, or word, even, amplifies and
intensifies the first. I now knew exactly what I had to
do: either learn how to write an introduction or fail
the class. Or how about this. Only one thing matters
in Medley's class: revision.
8. JELLY DONUT SENTENCE
 Find a sentence (or create one) with a parenthetical
expression (expression which is inserted into the
flow of thought). It may be in the middle of a
sentence or between sentences, but it does not deal
directly with the topic at hand. In other words, it
does not have to be there, but makes the sentence
taste much better. Hence the jelly.
 Create a jelly donut sentence. For example: Mrs.
Crabtree–who paraded around school with her nose
in the air–was a stickler for grammar.
9. EXPUNGE CLICHES
 Find a CLICHE: language that has lost its freshness
and registers with a listener or reader as overused
and boring.
 For example: "bubble was burst"; "busy as a bee";
"tired as a dog."
 Put a SQUIGGLY line beneath it.
 Go back and try and it with something original.
10. REPLACE SIMILES
 Find a SIMILE: a comparison of two unlike things
using the word "like" or "as." For example: "big as a
bus"; "bright as day"; "cold as ice." Replace it with
something original
11. CREATE A METAPHOR
 Come up with a METAPHOR: concept of
understanding one ABSTRACT (LIFE) thing in terms
of another more specific thing (HIGHWAY).
 Life is a highway.
 "The courage of a lion"; "Heart of stone." Create your
own metaphor.
CREATE A METAPHOR
 Find a place in your paper where you really want to
convey an abstract, deep message in a specific,
practical way that everyone can understand.
 Put a bunch of STARS by it: "Love is a battlefield.”
 "The courage of a lion“
 "Heart of stone."
CREATE A METAPHOR
 Now create your own, original, unique metaphor.
SEE Paragraph
 Statement
 Example
 Explanation
Statement
 S for Statement
 Begin with a topic sentence that gives the reader a
sense of what the single main idea of the paragraph
will be
Example
 E for Example
 This is the part of your paragraph where you support
your topic sentence. Your evidence/examples should
be appropriate and specific. If you are writing an
essay or report that is not personal, you will need to
use evidence in the same way, perhaps from a text,
facts or specific observations.
Explanation
 E for Explanation
 If the evidence you use is dense (facts or statistics or
quotations), you might want to explain the
importance of your evidence. Then you might need
to explain how the paragraph supports your position
and how the evidence connects with your overall
thesis. Lastly, you might decide to move out from the
narrow topic and speak more globally.
Statement
 1) Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of
all time.
Example
 2) He was a phenomenal athlete with a unique
combination of fundamental soundness, grace,
speed, power, artistry, and an unquenchable
competitive desire. 3) Further, he was a six-time
NBA Champion and four-time MVP (a specific
detail). 4) Not only was he a 14-time All-NBA AllStar, but he was a nine-time All-Defensive First
Team (even more specific).
Explanation
 Explanation
 5) He worked hard to become the greatest, motivated by the
heartbreak of not making the varsity team his sophomore year
in high school. 6) Jordan said that “The minute you get away
from fundamentals – whether it’s proper technique, work
ethic or mental preparation – the bottom can fall out of your
game, your schoolwork, your job, whatever you’re doing.” 7)
After the 1989-1990 season, which resulted in another
unsuccessful trip to the playoffs, Jordan realized he needed to
take his game to another level. 8) He realized that the only
way to do that would be to dedicate himself to training. 9)
Accordingly, he built a gym in his house, teamed up with the
famous trainer Tim Grover, and started an early morning
workout plan.
SEE?
 Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. He was
a phenomenal athlete with a unique combination of fundamental
soundness, grace, speed, power, artistry, and an unquenchable
competitive desire. Further, he was a six-time NBA Champion and
four-time MVP. Not only was he a 14-time All-NBA All-Star, but he
was a nine-time All-Defensive First Team. He worked hard to
become the greatest, motivated by the heartbreak of not making the
varsity team his sophomore year in high school. Jordan said that
“The minute you get away from fundamentals – whether it’s proper
technique, work ethic or mental preparation – the bottom can fall
out of your game, your schoolwork, your job, whatever you’re
doing.” After the 1989-1990 season, which resulted in another
unsuccessful trip to the playoffs, Jordan realized he needed to take
his game to another level. He realized that the only way to do that
would be to dedicate himself to training. Accordingly, he built a gym
in his house, teamed up with the famous trainer Tim Grover, and
started an early morning workout plan.