Transcript Don`t Make Me Read That Sentence Again

Don’t Make Read That
Sentence Again!
Make your writing clear …
so your readers get it the first time!
by Ann Gordon
Writing That Stops Me
 Whoa!
 That’s what my mind says when I read
something that just ‘doesn’t compute’
 What was that?
 That’s what my mind says when I read a
sentence that contains glaring errors
 Groan!
 That’s what I say to myself when I realize I
have to go back and re-read that sentence
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Writing That Will Stop Your Readers
 When your customers, employees, or potential
clients are reading something from your company,
 They do not want to be reading along, scanning the
paragraphs, and suddenly then have their mind
come to a Stop because something just didn’t
make sense!

People want to read it, get it, and then move on to
something else.

People do NOT want to re-read because something
was poorly written or edited
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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The ‘Bells of Incomprehension’
 When the Bells of Incomprehension ring,
1.
Readers with patience will go back and reread that sentence – but they aren’t happy
about it
2.
Readers without patience will ignore the bells
and skip the sentence – or skip the paragraph
– or just quit reading altogether
 The second choice isn’t a good one for the
writer, trainer, or manager -- for anyone who
trying to sell or teach with their text
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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What Causes these Bells to Ring?
 Some grammatical culprits are more common
than others, so in this presentation, we’ll
concentrate on four of them
 You’ll learn how to look for sentences,
phrases and lists that:
1.
Leave the reader dangling
2.
Make the reader look for something that has been
misplaced
3.
Cause confusion about Who did What?
4.
Create a sense of imbalance
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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1. ‘Dangling Modifiers’
 Perhaps nothing stops a reader faster than a
‘dangling modifier’
 Readers don’t have to know what a ‘dangling
modifier’ IS in order to be stopped by one
 This is a classic example of a ‘dangling
modifier’:
Rushing to finish the paper, Bob’s printer
broke.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Leaves the Reader ‘Dangling’
Rushing to finish the paper, Bob’s printer broke.

“Rushing to finish the paper” is the modifier

What/Who is this modifier supposed to modify?
 Who
was rushing to finish the paper?
 Who
was trying to print when Bob’s printer broke?

We don’t know the answers to these questions

‘Dangling’ means the modifier doesn’t have a proper
subject to modify
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Sentences Left to ‘Dangle’

Like a loose rope, these modifiers are left dangling:
1.
Passing the building, the advertisement was clearly
visible.
2.
Driving north, the vegetation became increasingly
sparse.
3.
Walking along the beach, the sun rose majestically
over the ocean.

In these sentences, the modifier has nothing suitable
to modify

All of these sentences leave the reader ‘dangling’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Don’t Leave the Reader ‘Dangling’
 Let’s fix those sentences:
1.
Passing the building, the advertisement was clearly
visible.
→ As she passed the building, the advertisement was
clearly visible.
2.
3.
Driving north, the vegetation became increasingly
sparse.
→ Driving north, we noticed that the vegetation
became increasingly sparse.
Walking along the beach, the sun rose majestically
over the ocean.
→ As John walked along the beach, the sun rose
majestically over the ocean.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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What to Look For
 ‘Dangling modifiers’ often occur:

With participial phrases

With infinitive phrases

With prepositional phrases containing a
gerund
 Active Counts!

‘Dangling modifiers’ occur most often when
the main clause verb is passive (instead of
active)
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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How to Fix the ‘Danglers’
 Revise the sentences to recast the verbs
and subjects as active
 If the modifier lacks a subject of its own,
identify what it describes
 Change the subject of the main clause
 Rewrite the ‘dangling modifier’ as a
complete clause with its own stated (not
implied) subject and verb
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Fix these Sentences Exercise
1. After reading the original study, the
article remains unconvincing.
2. Relieved of your responsibilities at work,
your home should be a place to relax.
3. They failed the experiment, not having
studied the lab manual carefully.
4. To improve his results, the experiment
was performed again.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Moving on to Another Modifier …
 Okay, enough info about ‘dangling modifiers’
 Now, let’s look at their close cousin, another
sentence problem that will Stop your readers:
‘Misplaced Modifiers’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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2. ‘Misplaced Modifiers’
 A ‘misplaced modifier’ DOES have a subject to
which it can attach
 Thus, ‘misplaced modifiers’ aren’t exactly dangling
 However, these modifiers have attached
themselves to the wrong word
That’s why they’re considered ‘misplaced’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Misplacing a Modifier
 We say a modifier is ‘misplaced’ if
It appears to modify the wrong part of the sentence
Or,
 We are not certain WHAT it is supposed to modify

 For example, in the following sentence, did the
sales rep receive the merchandise or the van?
The sales rep placed the promotional
merchandise in the van that he had just
received from the company.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Some Obvious ‘Misplaced Modifiers’
 Check out the modifiers in these sentences:
1.
Here are some suggestions for handling obscene
complaint calls from corporate headquarters.
(ouch …)
2.
The district managers discussed the high cost of
living with two women sales reps.
(uh oh …)
3.
Singing for all she was worth, Johnny hoped
desperately that Margaret would win the
competition.
(huh ??)
We’ll fix these on page 19
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Keep an Eye on All Your Modifiers
 As a writer, remember to keep a watchful eye
on all of the modifiers in all of your sentences
 ‘Misplaced modifiers’ can be

Confusing

Illogical

Laughable

Costly
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Putting Modifiers ‘In Their Place’
 Our minds want to link a modifier to the nearest
word that it could possibly modify
 Often, this isn’t the right word
 Confusing:
She served hamburgers to the men on paper
plates.
 Much better:
→ She served the men hamburgers on paper
plates.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Fixing ‘Misplaced Modifiers’
1.
Here are some suggestions for handling obscene complaint
calls from corporate headquarters.
→ Corporate headquarters offers the following
suggestions for handling obscene phone calls.
2.
The district managers discussed the high cost of living with two
women sales reps.
→ With two women sales reps, the district manager
discussed the high cost of living.
3.
Singing for all she was worth, Johnny hoped desperately that
Margaret would win the competition.
→ Johnny hoped desperately that Margaret, singing for
all she was worth, would win the competition.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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A Modifier Motto
 Here’s a useful rule:
Place your modifiers where they
will clearly modify
the intended words
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Fix these Sentences Exercise
1.
The mayor was able to cut the ribbon and then
the band played when someone found scissors.
2.
According to police records, many dogs are
killed by automobiles and trucks roaming
unleashed.
3.
The dealer sold the Cadillac to the buyer with
leather seats.
4.
They saw a fence behind the house made of
barbed wire.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Moving on to a Similar Problem …
 Okay, enough info about ‘modifiers’ –
whether dangling or misplaced
 Now, let’s look at a related problem that will
make your readers Stop -‘Unclear Pronoun References’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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3. ‘Unclear’ References
 An ‘Unclear’ pronoun reference involves a pronoun
whose reference (antecedent) is unclear

A pronoun references someone or something

A pronoun is a substitute for a noun

The noun is the pronoun’s antecedent
 In the sentence: Jane thinks she is an artist.

‘she’ is the pronoun

‘she’ refers to ‘Jane’

‘Jane’ is the antecedent for ‘she’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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The Pronoun Revisited
 Personal pronouns:

He-him, she-her, we-they-them, it
 Relative pronouns:

Who, which, that
 A pronoun can refer to a noun that was used
in a previous sentence
 Pronoun references can even span
paragraphs
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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An ‘Unclear’ Reference
A typical ‘Unclear’ pronoun reference:
1. Do not park your delivery truck at the taxi
stand or it will be towed away.

To what does “it” refer?
“What” will be towed away? The taxi stand?

Move words around to make the meaning clear:
→ If you park at the taxi stand, your truck will
be towed.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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An ‘Unclear’ Reference
2. The supervisor informed the customer that they
will match the competitor’s price if he can provide
a quote.
Such an ‘unclear pronoun reference’ will nearly
always make a reader Stop. One way to make the
meaning clear:
→ The supervisor informed the customer that if
the customer can provide a quote, the company
will match the competitor’s price.
The meaning is more clear now, although this still
isn’t a great sentence.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Make Pronoun References Clear
 Ensure that your pronoun clearly refers to a
single, close, specific antecedent
 Close is the operative word here
 Sloppy use of pronouns is unfair to the reader

Don’t cause your reader to guess which noun
is the pronoun’s antecedent

Don’t make your reader work to figure out what
you mean
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Multiple Antecedent Possibilities
1. To keep birds from eating seeds, soak them in blue
food coloring. (soak the seeds or the birds?)
→ To keep birds from eating seeds, soak the
seeds in blue food coloring.
2. The supervisors told the workers that they would
receive a bonus. (who would receive the bonus?)
→ The supervisors complimented the workers on
receiving a bonus.
OR
→ The supervisors told the workers that all
supervisors were expecting a bonus.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Antecedent too far from the Noun

Jody found a dress in the attic that her aunt
had worn. (did the aunt wear the attic?)
→ In the attic Jody found a dress that her
aunt had worn.
 Remember the misplaced modifiers?

Just like modifiers need to be close to the
word/phrase they modify,

Pronouns need to be close to their
antecedents.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Clarifying Unclear Pronoun References
 First, you need to recognize them.
1. Every time you see a pronoun in your writing
(especially it), examine that pronoun –

Where is its antecedent?

How far away is it?
2. If necessary, move the pronoun closer to its
noun, Or
3. Reword the sentence without the pronoun
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Fix These Sentences Exercise
1. Joe sent the report to Tom just before he left
for vacation.
2. When Kathy gave Susan the hot mug, she
gasped with surprise.
3. Jim told Ray that he was mistaken.
4. Right after my boss hired the new engineer, he
was thrown into jail.
5. The dog wouldn’t eat the food, so we
smothered it in mushroom sauce.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Moving on to a Something New …
 Okay, enough info about modifiers and
pronouns and keeping things close …
 Now we take a look at geometry in writing –
once again examining something that will
make your readers Stop -‘Unparallel Construction’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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4. Parallel Comparisons
 Parallel: having the same direction, course,
nature or tendency
 Items in any kind of a list
need to be parallel
1.
They need to be described the
same way
2.
They need to have the same
nature or tendency
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallelism
 Parallel structure is necessary wherever
coordination exists:

When items are connected by conjunctions

When items are compared or contrasted

When items are arranged in a list or an outline
 Remember, not all parts are created equal!
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parts is Parts!
 As we know, not all parts are created equal - not in
chicken, not in auto parts, and not in parts of speech
 Scrutinize the parts of speech used in every:

Conjunction

Comparison

Series

List
 These ‘parts’ need to have parallel construction in
order to keep your audience with you!
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallel Parts with Conjunctions

Compare both sides of “and” or “but”:
1.
Use parallel structure when you write and in
speaking.
2.
The description was both accurate and it was
easy to read.
3.
Larry admires people with integrity and who
have character.
4.
His plans include not only touring the city and
visiting orphanages, but also to meet with Asian
businessmen.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallel Parts with Conjunctions
 Unparallel construction is caused by making a list
or comparison using different parts of speech
2. The description was both accurate and it was easy to
read.
→ The description was both accurate and easy to read.
4. His plans include not only touring the city and visiting
orphanages, but also to meet with Asian businessmen.
→ His plans include not only touring the city and
visiting orphanages, but meeting with Asian
businessmen.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallel Parts in a Series
At the meeting we will (1) approve the minutes, (2)
discuss the proposed ordinance, (3) listen to citizen
comments, and (4) the sewer issue will be debated.
 Doesn’t that sentence give you pause?
When you read it, didn’t your mind say Stop!?
Didn’t you feel a strong urge to re-read it?
 The first three items in this series are VERB +
OBJECT construction
 The fourth item is a complete sentence
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallel Parts in Bulleted Lists

Guess where you’ll find the greatest reservoir of
faulty parallel constructions?
** In Resumes **

This is an example of unparallel bullets in a
resume:
Experience -
Responsible for stamping outgoing mail

Supervised mail room

Three years experience distributing company mail
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallel Parts in Bulleted Lists

How would we fix this?
Experience:

Responsible for stamping outgoing mail

Supervised mail room

Three years experience distributing company mail

Maybe something like this:
→ Three years mail room experience:

Stamped outgoing mail

Supervised mail room

Distributed all company mail
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Clauses need to be Parallel too
 Different genre, same problem
 This sentence was taken from a student
paper about Homer’s Odyssey:

Penelope uses trickery to fight off the
suitors, while Athena is also a trickster
when helping Telemachos.
 While these clauses both use forms of the
word trick, they are not parallel – this
sentence is a little difficult to follow
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallel Clauses
 Original sentence:
Penelope uses trickery to fight off the
suitors, while Athena is also a trickster
when helping Telemachos.
 Parallel sentence:
→ Penelope uses trickery to fight off the
suitors, while Athena uses it to help
Telemachos.
 Now both of the clauses avail the use of the
word “trickery” – now the sentence flows
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallelism Makes for Good Quotes
 “Aging paints every action gray, lies heavy on
every movement, imprisons every thought.”
 by Sharon Curtin
 “The pioneer women rolled out dough on the
wagon seats, cooked with fires made out of
buffalo chips, tended the sick, and marked
the graves of their children, husbands, and
each other.”
 by Ellen Goodman
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Parallel Construction Reminders
 To keep your writing parallel, examine the
parts of speech in these instances:

Sentences containing a series

Bulleted or numbered lists

Compound sentences
 Parallelism is important because it:

Provides clarity

Maintains balance
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Fix These Sentences Exercise
1.
Susan knocked over her husband's computer, damaging the
outer casing, ruining the screen, and the forthcoming reggae
songs that were stored on it were almost destroyed.
2.
Over the weekend, Kevin bought a new MacBook Pro, two
software programs, and arranged for free shipping.
3.
The green features include:

Materials should be sustainable

Rainwater collection tanks and recycled water

Installing solar panels

Replant trees in the construction area
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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In Summary
 We’ve examined some of the grammatical
culprits that cause our readers to Stop.
 We’ve learned how to spot and fix grammatical
problems that:
1.
Leave the reader dangling
2.
Make the reader look for something that has
been misplaced
3.
Cause confusion about Who did What?
4.
Create a sense of imbalance
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Recommended Writing Resources
 These are books I either own or have used
 They are NOT your high school grammar book.

ReWrite Right!
by Jan Venolia

How Not to Write
by William Saffire

When Bad Grammar Happens to Good People
by Ann Batko

Woe Is I
by Patricia T. O’Conner
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Writing Yourself Out of a Corner

Business Writing: What Works, What Won’t
by Wilma Davidson

The Dimwit’s Dictionary: More Than 5,000
Overused Words and Phrases and Alternatives to
Them, 2nd Edition
by Robert Hartwell Fiske
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
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Thank you!
Thank you for watching my presentation.
Happy editing …
Ann Gordon
Gordon Computer, LLC
http://www.gordoncomputer.com
© 2007 by Ann Gordon