Transcript sciwri(2010)

Scientific Writing Workshop
All are agreed that the articles in our journals-even the journals with the
highest possible standards-are, by and large, poorly written. Some of
the worst are produced by the kind of author who consciously pretends
to a ‘scientific scholarly’ style.
[Many students begin graduate school with reasonable writing skills]…
Two years [into graduate school] these same students’ writing is
verbose, pompous, full of fashionable circumlocutions… The student
can no longer write, he pontificates. What has brought about the
change? Clearly the students have copied these dreary and pretentious
phrases from the scientific literature. They have been dutifully studying it
as they are urged to do, and it has warped their style to the point that
they can no longer walk to the door without “utilizing a pedestrian
relocation,” or sip their coffee without “prior elevation of the containing
vessel to facilitate imbibation.”
F. Peter Woodford, Editor of Science.
Writing is difficult.
Dear Dr. Pallanck,
Your piece was very long and wordy and I tried to
slightly reduce some of the verbiage. I was careful
to edit judiciously. I found your piece extremely
repetitive in places.
Sincerely, a PNAS editor
Writing can get better.
Dear Dr. Pallanck,
Yours was one of the rare pieces that required little editing. I wish
that more authors could write as clearly and with purpose. It was
truly a pleasure to work with you.
Sincerely, another PNAS editor
Workshop Outline:
I. What should be in a science abstract?
II. How to write a sentence: Characters & Actions
III. Passive vs. Active voice
IV.How to write a paragraph: Cohesion & Coherence
V. How to write concisely
ABSTRACT
Provides a brief (often 250 words or less) summary of your work. Should include the
following: Introduction; Question or Hypothesis addressed by the work; Materials and
Methods (optional); Results; Discussion.
Probably the most important part of a manuscript or grant application.
-Many people will read only the abstract.
-The abstract of a grant application will direct the grant to the appropriate reviewers;
will create the first impression of the quality of the application.
A Good Example:
Loss-of-function mutations in PINK1 and Parkin cause parkinsonism in humans and
mitochondrial dysfunction in model organisms. Parkin is selectively recruited from the
cytosol to damaged mitochondria to trigger their autophagy. How Parkin recognizes
damaged mitochondria, however, is unknown. Here, we show that expression of PINK1
on individual mitochondria is regulated by voltage-dependent proteolysis to maintain low
levels of PINK1 on healthy, polarized mitochondria, while facilitating the rapid
accumulation of PINK1 on mitochondria that sustain damage. PINK1 accumulation on
mitochondria is both necessary and sufficient for Parkin recruitment to mitochondria, and
disease-causing mutations in PINK1 and Parkin disrupt Parkin recruitment and Parkininduced mitophagy at distinct steps. These findings provide a biochemical explanation for
the genetic epistasis between PINK1 and Parkin in Drosophila melanogaster. In addition,
they support a novel model for the negative selection of damaged mitochondria, in which
PINK1 signals mitochondrial dysfunction to Parkin, and Parkin promotes their elimination.
ABSTRACT
Provides a brief (often 250 words or less) summary of your work. Should include the
following: Introduction; Question or Hypothesis addressed by the work; Materials and
Methods (optional); Results; Discussion.
Probably the most important part of a manuscript or grant application.
-Many people will read only the abstract.
-The abstract of a grant application will direct the grant to the appropriate reviewers;
will create the first impression of the quality of the application.
A Good Example:
Loss-of-function mutations in PINK1 and Parkin cause parkinsonism in humans and
mitochondrial dysfunction in model organisms. Parkin is selectively recruited from the
cytosol to damaged mitochondria to trigger their autophagy. How Parkin recognizes
damaged mitochondria, however, is unknown. Here, we show that expression of PINK1
on individual mitochondria is regulated by voltage-dependent proteolysis to maintain low
levels of PINK1 on healthy, polarized mitochondria, while facilitating the rapid
accumulation of PINK1 on mitochondria that sustain damage. PINK1 accumulation on
mitochondria is both necessary and sufficient for Parkin recruitment to mitochondria, and
disease-causing mutations in PINK1 and Parkin disrupt Parkin recruitment and Parkininduced mitophagy at distinct steps. These findings provide a biochemical explanation for
the genetic epistasis between PINK1 and Parkin in Drosophila melanogaster. In addition,
they support a novel model for the negative selection of damaged mitochondria, in which
PINK1 signals mitochondrial dysfunction to Parkin, and Parkin promotes their elimination.
ABSTRACT
Provides a brief (often 250 words or less) summary of your work. Should include the
following: Introduction; Question or Hypothesis addressed by the work; Materials and
Methods (optional); Results; Discussion.
Probably the most important part of a manuscript or grant application.
-Many people will read only the abstract.
-The abstract of a grant application will direct the grant to the appropriate reviewers;
will create the first impression of the quality of the application.
A Good Example:
Loss-of-function mutations in PINK1 and Parkin cause parkinsonism in humans and
mitochondrial dysfunction in model organisms. Parkin is selectively recruited from the
cytosol to damaged mitochondria to trigger their autophagy. How Parkin recognizes
damaged mitochondria, however, is unknown. Here, we show that expression of PINK1
on individual mitochondria is regulated by voltage-dependent proteolysis to maintain low
levels of PINK1 on healthy, polarized mitochondria, while facilitating the rapid
accumulation of PINK1 on mitochondria that sustain damage. PINK1 accumulation on
mitochondria is both necessary and sufficient for Parkin recruitment to mitochondria, and
disease-causing mutations in PINK1 and Parkin disrupt Parkin recruitment and Parkininduced mitophagy at distinct steps. These findings provide a biochemical explanation for
the genetic epistasis between PINK1 and Parkin in Drosophila melanogaster. In addition,
they support a novel model for the negative selection of damaged mitochondria, in which
PINK1 signals mitochondrial dysfunction to Parkin, and Parkin promotes their elimination.
ABSTRACT
Provides a brief (often 250 words or less) summary of your work. Should include the
following: Introduction; Question or Hypothesis addressed by the work; Materials and
Methods (optional); Results; Discussion.
Probably the most important part of a manuscript or grant application.
-Many people will read only the abstract.
-The abstract of a grant application will direct the grant to the appropriate reviewers;
will create the first impression of the quality of the application.
A Good Example:
Loss-of-function mutations in PINK1 and Parkin cause parkinsonism in humans and
mitochondrial dysfunction in model organisms. Parkin is selectively recruited from the
cytosol to damaged mitochondria to trigger their autophagy. How Parkin recognizes
damaged mitochondria, however, is unknown. Here, we show that expression of PINK1
on individual mitochondria is regulated by voltage-dependent proteolysis to maintain low
levels of PINK1 on healthy, polarized mitochondria, while facilitating the rapid
accumulation of PINK1 on mitochondria that sustain damage. PINK1 accumulation on
mitochondria is both necessary and sufficient for Parkin recruitment to mitochondria, and
disease-causing mutations in PINK1 and Parkin disrupt Parkin recruitment and Parkininduced mitophagy at distinct steps. These findings provide a biochemical explanation for
the genetic epistasis between PINK1 and Parkin in Drosophila melanogaster. In addition,
they support a novel model for the negative selection of damaged mitochondria, in which
PINK1 signals mitochondrial dysfunction to Parkin, and Parkin promotes their elimination.
ABSTRACT
Provides a brief (often 250 words or less) summary of your work. Should include the
following: Introduction; Question or Hypothesis addressed by the work; Materials and
Methods (optional); Results; Discussion.
Probably the most important part of a manuscript or grant application.
-Many people will read only the abstract.
-The abstract of a grant application will direct the grant to the appropriate reviewers;
will create the first impression of the quality of the application.
A Good Example:
Loss-of-function mutations in PINK1 and Parkin cause parkinsonism in humans and
mitochondrial dysfunction in model organisms. Parkin is selectively recruited from the
cytosol to damaged mitochondria to trigger their autophagy. How Parkin recognizes
damaged mitochondria, however, is unknown. Here, we show that expression of PINK1
on individual mitochondria is regulated by voltage-dependent proteolysis to maintain low
levels of PINK1 on healthy, polarized mitochondria, while facilitating the rapid
accumulation of PINK1 on mitochondria that sustain damage. PINK1 accumulation on
mitochondria is both necessary and sufficient for Parkin recruitment to mitochondria, and
disease-causing mutations in PINK1 and Parkin disrupt Parkin recruitment and Parkininduced mitophagy at distinct steps. These findings provide a biochemical explanation for
the genetic epistasis between PINK1 and Parkin in Drosophila melanogaster. In addition,
they support a novel model for the negative selection of damaged mitochondria, in which
PINK1 signals mitochondrial dysfunction to Parkin, and Parkin promotes their elimination.
A few bad examples from the literature:
Portion of the first sentence from an abstract in a recent issue of PNAS:
Two approaches, one novel, are applied to analyze the divergent evolution of …
-One approach is new and interesting; the other is old and boring
Portion of the last sentence from an abstract in a recent issue of Molecular
Biology and Evolution:
…our results have some implications regarding the means by which terpene
synthases specify product outcome.
“some implications” suggests that the implications were not important enough to
mention in the abstract-not really a great way to end the abstract
Middle portion of an abstract in a recent issue of Cell:
… Liver stages of the parasite containing thousands of merozoites grow inside hepatocytes
for several days without triggering an inflammatory response. We show here that Plasmodium
uses a PEXEL/VTS motif to introduce the circumsporozoite (CS) protein into the hepatocyte
cytoplasm and a nuclear localization signal (NLS) to enter its nucleus. CS outcompetes NFκB
nuclear import, thus downregulating the expression of many genes controlled by NFκB,
including those involved in inflammation. CS also influences the expression of over one
thousand host genes involved in diverse metabolic processes to create a favorable niche for
the parasite growth…
Liver stages of the parasite containing thousands of merozoites grow inside hepatocytes…
-Do the liver stages contain thousands of merozoites or does the liver?
-Can the liver stages grow inside anything besides hepatocytes?
…Plasmodium uses a PEXEL/VTS motif…and a nuclear localization signal (NLS) to enter its
nucleus
-Does Plasmodium enter the nucleus or does the CS protein?
CS outcompetes NFκB nuclear import…
-Does CS outcompete NFκB nuclear import or does CS nuclear import outcompete NFκB nuclear
import?
…over one thousand host genes involved in diverse metabolic processes to create a favorable
niche for the parasite growth
-Are the one thousand genes creating a favorable niche, or are the diverse metabolic processes
creating the niche?
Workshop Outline:
I. What should be in a science abstract?
II. How to write a sentence: Characters & Actions
III. Passive vs. Active voice
IV.How to write a paragraph: Cohesion & Coherence
V. How to write concisely
But first, some basic grammatical terms…
Definitions of Some Basic Grammatical Terms
A. PARTS OF SPEECH
NOUN -- A noun is a naming word, a word that identifies a person, place, thing, or
abstract idea.
The name of a specific person or place--such as Jane Doe, Abraham Lincoln, New
York, or England--is called a proper noun.
A few common nouns: house, boss, dogs, football, mother, kitchen, King George,
beauty, desks, crime, nation, boy, tempest, tea, coffee.
(if you can put "a", "an", or "the" in front of a word and have it mean something, it is
a noun)
PRONOUN -- Pronouns are words that take the place of nouns. I, you, he, she, it,
they, this, that, who, which are all pronouns. The most common pronouns are
words like "them", him, her, he, she.
VERB -- The verb is a part of speech, a word or compound of words, that performs
one of three kinds of tasks: it expresses action; it expresses a state of being; or it
expresses the relationship between two things. In its most powerful and normal
position, it follows a noun (the agent of the verb).
A few verbs: is, are, am, was, were (all versions of the verb "to be"), jump, sing,
kick, use, decide, resemble, play, explode, encounter, celebrate, hope, say, decide,
leap, attack, announce, cook.
ADJECTIVE -- An adjective describes, or modifies, a noun.
A few adjectives: rich, fat, green, sixty thousand, amazing, purple,
unidentified, happy, tired, asleep, four, Roman, modern, clear, uncertain.
B. SENTENCE ELEMENTS
SUBJECT -- The subject of a sentence is the noun or pronoun (person or thing)
about which an assertion is made or a question is asked. The subject is the person
or thing that the sentence is mainly about. Subjects can either be “simple”
(composed of a single noun or pronoun) or “complex.”
Examples:
The man who had followed us inside walked over to the telephone.
The superior performance of La Traviata pleased the wealthy audience.
Simple subject
Complex subject
DIRECT OBJECT -- The direct object receives the action of the verb ("the victim of
the verb”).
My friends invited me and my room-mate. We accepted the invitation. We all
drank beer and watched videos.
In most sentences the word order pattern is: {Subject}, {verb}, {direct object}.
PREPOSITION -- A preposition comes before (pre) a noun or pronoun, and shows
the relationship (-position) of that person or thing to something else.
A few prepositions: in, into, on, onto, over, under, through, to, up, down, by, with,
from, of, out, between, across, without, for.
Characters and Actions
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was
taking place on the part of little red riding hood, the
wolf’s jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing
her fright.
Once upon a time, little red riding hood was walking
through the woods, when the wolf jumped out from
behind a tree and frightened her.
Characters and Actions
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was
taking place on the part of little red riding hood, the
wolf’s jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing
her fright.
Once upon a time, little red riding hood was walking
through the woods, when the wolf jumped out from
behind a tree and frightened her.
simple subjects
Characters and Actions
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was
taking place on the part of little red riding hood, the
wolf’s jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing
her fright.
Once upon a time, little red riding hood was walking
through the woods, when the wolf jumped out from
behind a tree and frightened her.
simple subjects
main characters
Characters and Actions
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was
taking place on the part of little red riding hood, the
wolf’s jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing
her fright.
Once upon a time, little red riding hood was walking
through the woods, when the wolf jumped out from
behind a tree and frightened her.
simple subjects
VERBS
main characters
In a clear sentence, the main characters are subjects
and verbs name the actions of the characters.
The federalists’ argument in regard to the destabilization of government by
popular democracy was based on their belief in the tendency of factions to
further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
Simple subject? argument
Main characters? federalists, government, popular democracy, factions
Verbs? was based, further
Actions? argue, destabilize, believe, further
Rewriting to make the main characters subjects and the actions verbs yields:
The federalists ARGUED that popular democracy DESTABILIZED
government, because they BELIEVED that factions TENDED to FURTHER
their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
simple subjects
main characters
VERBS
In a clear sentence, the main characters are subjects and verbs name the
actions of the characters.
Nominalizations
Writing seems dense when abstract nouns derived from verbs and
adjectives (nominalizations) are used frequently, especially when those
nouns are subjects of verbs.
Nominalizations are nouns ending in –tion, -ment, -ence, etc.
gerunds (verbs ending in -ing) can also act as nominalizations.
Examples:
Verb  Nominalization
Discover  discovery
Resist  resistance
react  reaction
utilize, use  Utilization
reduce  reduction
Adjective  Nominalization
careless  carelessness
different  difference
proficient  proficiency
know  knowledge
Try to identify actions that are expressed as nominalizations and change
them into verbs:
The intention of the committee is to audit the records.
Change to:
The committee intends to audit the records.
Why change nominalizations into verbs?
First, you generally eliminate prepositions in the process; second, you often
eliminate “to be” verbs by replacing them with action verbs; and third, you
humanize the text by saying who does what. Humanizing the text makes it
less abstract and allows the readers to more easily visualize what you are
talking about. For example:
The data are indicative of the problem.  the data indicate the problem.
…is applicable  applies
…is deserving  deserves
…is in agreement  agrees
…is in error  errs
…is possessed of  possesses
How to spot problems in your own writing?
Look at the first seven or eight words in your sentences. If you don’t see in
those words a character as a subject and a verb as an action, that sentence
is a candidate for revision.
 Readers prefer your subjects be characters and your verbs be
actions.
Workshop Outline:
I. What should be in a science abstract?
II. How to write a sentence: Characters & Actions
III. Passive vs. Active voice
IV.How to write a paragraph: Cohesion & Coherence
V. How to write concisely
Active vs. Passive voice
The "voice" of a verb has to do with whether or not the subject of a sentence acts upon
something else (as agent) or whether the subject is acted upon (by an agent).
The verb is active, when the subject (agent) does the action (verb) to something
(object). The verb is passive, when the subject takes the action upon itself.
Active
John ate the apples.
John, the subject, is the one performing the action of the verb.
Passive
The apples were eaten by John.
The apples, the subject in this sentence, are receiving the action of the verb.
Recognizing Passive Constructions
Step 1: Find any form of the verb "to be": is, was, were, will be, will have been, would
be and so on. Note that tense does not affect voice; passive can take any tense.
Step 2: Is that form of the verb "to be" followed by a past tense verb? (watched,
threatened, considered, thought, and so on.
Step 3: Does the word "by" appear after the whole verb or can you put the word "by"
after the combination of the "to be" verb and the past tense verb.
The passive voice in science writing
The passive voice is common in science writing, particularly in older papers.
However, passive voice verbs either delay the real subject or erase it completely.
The passive verb also requires more words than the active verb, has less impact
than the active verb, and generally suggests passivity, hesitancy, or a lack of
clarity on the part of the writer.
By contrast, active voice foregrounds the real agent of the action, provides force
and clarity in one's statements, and avoids wordiness in sentence constructions.
Active voice is performative; passive is static, even though action and agency
seem to exist in the sentence.
 The passive voice is used too much in science writing, but it does have its
uses. Use it in these circumstances:
-You want to focus your reader’s attention on one or another character:
On the second day of our wildebeest study, one of the calves wandered just a
few yards from the herd and was attacked by wild dogs. [emphasizes the
wildebeest calve]
vs.
On the second day of our wildebeest study, wild dogs attacked one of the calves
that wandered just a few yards from the herd. [emphasizes the wild dogs]
-You want to shift a long and complex bundle of information to the end of a
sentence, especially when it also lets you move to its beginning information
that is shorter and more familiar.
For example, compare the middle sentences in the following passages:
Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been
raised by scientists studying black holes in space. The collapse of a dead
star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. So
much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space
around it in puzzling ways.
vs.
Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been
raised by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created by
the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. So
much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space
around it in puzzling ways.
Workshop Outline:
I. What should be in a science abstract?
II. How to write a sentence: Characters & Actions
III. Passive vs. Active voice
IV.How to write a paragraph: Cohesion & Coherence
V. How to write concisely
Cohesion and Coherence
Cohesion: when pairs of sentences fit neatly together.
Principles of cohesion:
1. Begin sentences with information that is familiar (the ‘topic’ position).
2. End sentences with information readers cannot anticipate (the ‘stress’
position).
Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised
by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created by the
collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.
The TOPIC position
Ideally, the topic of a sentence (what the sentence is about) will be its
grammatical subject.
Not this: It is likely that our proposals will be accepted.
This: Our proposals will likely be accepted.
Cohesion and Coherence
Cohesion: when pairs of sentences fit neatly together.
Principles of cohesion:
1. Begin sentences with information that is familiar (the ‘topic’ position).
2. End sentences with information readers cannot anticipate (the ‘stress’
position).
Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised
by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created by the
collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.
The TOPIC position
Ideally, the topic of a sentence (what the sentence is about) will be its
grammatical subject.
Not this: It is likely that our proposals will be accepted.
This: Our proposals will likely be accepted.
Cohesion and Coherence
Cohesion: when pairs of sentences fit neatly together.
Principles of cohesion:
1. Begin sentences with information that is familiar (the ‘topic’ position).
2. End sentences with information readers cannot anticipate (the ‘stress’
position).
Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised
by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created by the
collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.
The TOPIC position
Ideally, the topic of a sentence (what the sentence is about) will be its
grammatical subject.
Not this: It is likely that our proposals will be accepted.
This: Our proposals will likely be accepted.
Cohesion and Coherence
Cohesion: when pairs of sentences fit neatly together.
Principles of cohesion:
1. Begin sentences with information that is familiar (the ‘topic’ position).
2. End sentences with information readers cannot anticipate (the ‘stress’
position).
Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised
by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created by the
collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.
The TOPIC position
Ideally, the topic of a sentence (what the sentence is about) will be its
grammatical subject.
Not this: It is likely that our proposals will be accepted.
This: Our proposals will likely be accepted.
Coherence: when all of the individual sentences in a passage support a larger
point or claim.
Principle of coherence: The topics of each sentence in the passage should
constitute a relatively small set of related ideas.
Are the sentences in the following passage cohesive? Is the passage
coherent?
Saynor, Wisconsin, is the snowmobile capital of the world. The buzzing of
snowmobile engines fills the air, and their tanklike tracks crisscross the snow.
The snow reminds me of mom’s mashed potatoes, covered with furrows I
would draw with my fork. Her mashed potatoes usually make me sick, that’s
why I play with them. I like to make a hole in the middle of the potatoes and
fill it with melted butter. This behavior has been the subject of long chats
between me and my analyst.
Are the sentences in the following passage cohesive? Is the passage
coherent?
Saynor, Wisconsin, is the snowmobile capital of the world. The buzzing of
snowmobile engines fills the air, and their tanklike tracks crisscross the
snow. The snow reminds me of mom’s mashed potatoes, covered with
furrows I would draw with my fork. Her mashed potatoes usually make me
sick, that’s why I play with them. I like to make a hole in the middle of the
potatoes and fill it with melted butter. This behavior has been the subject of
long chats between me and my analyst.
Grammatical subjects: Saynor, Wisconsin; buzzing of snowmobile engines;
snow; mashed potatoes; I; This behavior
Are the sentences in the following passage cohesive? Is the passage
coherent?
Saynor, Wisconsin, is the snowmobile capital of the world. The buzzing of
snowmobile engines fills the air, and their tanklike tracks crisscross the
snow. The snow reminds me of mom’s mashed potatoes, covered with
furrows I would draw with my fork. Her mashed potatoes usually make me
sick, that’s why I play with them. I like to make a hole in the middle of the
potatoes and fill it with melted butter. This behavior has been the subject of
long chats between me and my analyst.
Grammatical subjects: Saynor, Wisconsin; buzzing of snowmobile engines;
snow; mashed potatoes; I; This behavior
Actions: is; fills the air & crisscross the snow; reminds, covered & draw; make
me sick & play; like to make a hole & fill it; has been
 Too many different subjects; too many different actions
 No coherent theme
Are the sentences in the following passage cohesive? Is the passage coherent?
Hypophysectomy (surgical removal of the pituitary) dramatically reduces circulating growth
hormone (GH), insulin-like growth factor-1 (IGF-1), and thyroid hormones, and can extend life
span in rats; these effects are similar to those of the Snell and Ames dwarf mutations in mice,
which genetically ablate these pituitary hormones. Dwarf mice out-live normal controls and
dwarfs exhibit many forestalled phenotypes of aging. But because these mutations confer
lifelong hormonal deficits that slow growth, alter development and prevent reproduction, the
relationship of these models to normal mammalian aging has been questioned. Furthermore, if
the life span extension of dwarf mice is dependent on developmental abnormalities (especially
at the expense of fecundity), clinical relevance of these models is limited. This interplay
between development and aging is difficult to assess in mutant dwarf mice; however, agespecific effects can be defined in normal mice using hypophysectomy.
Are the sentences in the following passage cohesive? Is the passage coherent?
Hypophysectomy (surgical removal of the pituitary) dramatically reduces circulating growth
hormone (GH), insulin-like growth factor-1 (IGF-1), and thyroid hormones, and can extend life
span in rats; these effects are similar to those of the Snell and Ames dwarf mutations in mice,
which genetically ablate these pituitary hormones. Dwarf mice out-live normal controls and
dwarfs exhibit many forestalled phenotypes of aging. But because these mutations confer
lifelong hormonal deficits that slow growth, alter development and prevent reproduction, the
relationship of these models to normal mammalian aging has been questioned.
Furthermore, if the life span extension of dwarf mice is dependent on developmental
abnormalities (especially at the expense of fecundity), clinical relevance of these models is
limited. This interplay between development and aging is difficult to assess in mutant dwarf
mice; however, age-specific effects can be defined in normal mice using hypophysectomy.
Subjects/topics
Are the sentences in the following passage cohesive? Is the passage coherent?
Hypophysectomy (surgical removal of the pituitary) dramatically reduces circulating growth
hormone (GH), insulin-like growth factor-1 (IGF-1), and thyroid hormones, and can extend life
span in rats; these effects are similar to those of the Snell and Ames dwarf mutations in mice,
which genetically ablate these pituitary hormones. Dwarf mice out-live normal controls and
dwarfs exhibit many forestalled phenotypes of aging. But because these mutations confer
lifelong hormonal deficits that slow growth, alter development and prevent reproduction, the
relationship of these models to normal mammalian aging has been questioned.
Furthermore, if the life span extension of dwarf mice is dependent on developmental
abnormalities (especially at the expense of fecundity), clinical relevance of these models is
limited. This interplay between development and aging is difficult to assess in mutant dwarf
mice; however, age-specific effects can be defined in normal mice using hypophysectomy.
Subjects/topics
Rewriting to reduce the number of subjects yields: The surgical removal of the pituitary,
known as hypophysectomy, dramatically reduces circulating growth hormone (GH), insulin-like
growth factor-1 (IGF-1), and thyroid hormones, and can extend life span in rats; its effects are
similar to those of the mouse Snell and Ames dwarf mutations, which genetically ablate these
pituitary hormones. The Dwarf mutations result in mice that out-live normal controls and
exhibit many forestalled phenotypes of aging. But these mutations confer lifelong hormonal
deficits that slow growth, alter development and prevent reproduction, and thus the mutant
mice may be a poor model for mammalian aging. Furthermore, if the dwarf mice live longer
solely because of developmental abnormalities and reduced fecundity, their relevance to
clinical studies is especially limited. Thus, dwarf mice are not useful to assess the interplay
between development and aging, whereas normal mice that have undergone hypophysectomy
permit age-specific effects to be defined.
[Winslow Homer] arrived in Manhattan in 1859, at a time when war was
breaking out, causing him to go to the front as an illustrator for Harper’s
Weekly, the Life of its day. His manner, a plainspoken charm that put soldiers
and their officers at ease, would make him a model for today’s embedded
journalist. In that first year of the war, his production included a lot of
standard wish-fulfillment military scenes, charges and flag-waving resistance,
copied implicitly from old battle art. The early, showily Napoleonic phase of
the war saw him spending time with the Zouave regiments of the Army of the
Potomac, who wore red pantaloons, red fezzes, and blue collarless jackets.
(Homer kept the fez, and wore it on occasion throughout his life.)
[Winslow Homer] arrived in Manhattan in 1859 and, when the war broke out,
quickly went to the front as an illustrator for Harper’s Weekly, the Life of its day.
He was, from the first, a plainspoken man who felt at home with soldiers and
their officers — the model of an embedded journalist. In that first year of the
war, he produced a lot of standard wish-fulfillment military scenes, charges and
flag-waving resistance, copied implicitly from old battle art. In the early, showily
Napoleonic phase of the war, he seems to have spent time with the Zouave
regiments of the Army of the Potomac, who wore red pantaloons, red fezzes,
and blue collarless jackets. (Homer kept the fez, and wore it on occasion
throughout his life.)
Adam Gopkin,
The New Yorker, October 31, 2005
Diagnosing your own writing:
1. Do the first seven or eight words of every sentence (and clause)
constitute a relatively small set of related ideas?
2. Do those words name your most important characters?
3. Are the topics of those sentences the grammatical subjects?
Is a sequence of identical topics in a passage monotonous?
Diagnosing your own writing:
1. Do the first seven or eight words of every sentence (and clause)
constitute a relatively small set of related ideas?
2. Do those words name your most important characters?
3. Are the topics of those sentences the grammatical subjects?
Is a sequence of identical topics in a passage monotonous?
Probably not for the reader (in many instances). For the sake of clarity, it is
often better to err on the side of consistency, than variety.
Diagnosing your own writing:
1. Do the first seven or eight words of every sentence (and clause)
constitute a relatively small set of related ideas?
2. Do those words name your most important characters?
3. Are the topics of those sentences the grammatical subjects?
Is a sequence of identical topics in a passage monotonous?
Probably not for the reader (in many instances). For the sake of clarity, it is
often better to err on the side of consistency, than variety.
Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been
raised by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created
by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble.
So much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space
around it in puzzling ways.
The next sentence in the above passage could begin with a new but familiar
term:
Astronomers have recently reported, for example, that…
The STRESS position
Readers want the Stress position (the last few words of a sentence or passage) to
communicate:
i. Long and complex phrases:
Not this: A sociometric and actuarial analysis of Social Security revenues and
disbursements for the last six decades to determine changes in projecting deficits
is the subject of this study.
This: In this study, we analyze Social Security’s revenues and disbursements for
the last six decades, using sociometric and actuarial criteria to determine changes
in projecting deficits.
ii. New information, particularly unfamiliar technical terms:
Not this: lympokine-activated killer (LAK) cells are lymphoid cells that can lyse
fresh, noncultured, natural-killer-cell-resistant tumor cells but not normal cells and
are produced by incubating lymphocytes with the lympokine, interleukin-2.
This: The incubation of peripheral-blood lymphocytes with a lympokine, interleukin2, generates lymphoid cells that can lyse fresh, noncultured, natural-killer-cellresistant tumor cells but not normal cells. We term these cells lympokine-activated
killer (LAK) cells.
iii. Emphasis (the significant information in the sentence):
Some ways to manage endings for emphasis:
A. Trim the end.
Some sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior in the
way we act in situations we are in every day.
iii. Emphasis (the significant information in the sentence):
Some ways to manage endings for emphasis:
A. Trim the end.
Some sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior in the
way we act in situations we are in every day.
iii. Emphasis (the significant information in the sentence):
Some ways to manage endings for emphasis:
A. Trim the end.
Some sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior.
iii. Emphasis (the significant information in the sentence):
Some ways to manage endings for emphasis:
A. Trim the end.
Some sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior.
B. Shift peripheral ideas to the left.
The data offered to prove ESP are too weak for the most part.
iii. Emphasis (the significant information in the sentence):
Some ways to manage endings for emphasis:
A. Trim the end.
Some sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior.
B. Shift peripheral ideas to the left.
The data offered to prove ESP are too weak for the most part.
iii. Emphasis (the significant information in the sentence):
Some ways to manage endings for emphasis:
A. Trim the end.
Some sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior.
B. Shift peripheral ideas to the left.
The data offered to prove ESP are too weak for the most part.  For the
most part, the data offered to prove ESP are too weak.
iii. Emphasis (the significant information in the sentence):
Some ways to manage endings for emphasis:
A. Trim the end.
Some sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior.
B. Shift peripheral ideas to the left.
The data offered to prove ESP are too weak for the most part.  For the
most part, the data offered to prove ESP are too weak.
 Sentences are cohesive with one another when we see at the
beginning of a second sentence information that appeared toward the
end of the preceding sentence.
iii. Emphasis (the significant information in the sentence):
Some ways to manage endings for emphasis:
A. Trim the end.
Some sociobiologists claim that our genes control our social behavior.
B. Shift peripheral ideas to the left.
The data offered to prove ESP are too weak for the most part.  For the
most part, the data offered to prove ESP are too weak.
 Sentences are cohesive with one another when we see at the
beginning of a second sentence information that appeared toward the
end of the preceding sentence.
Passages are coherent when we see that the topics of each sentence
in the passage constitute a relatively small set of related ideas.
Creating Coherence
• Can readers see the point of each section?
Highlight the sentence that states the point of each section.
Read those short opening segments as if they were a paragraph.
If they do not make sequential sense, revise them so that they
do.
• Can readers see how everything is relevant to a point?
Identify the relevance of each section or sentence to its point.
If you cannot identify the relevance of anything, clarify or cut it.
• Can readers see how subjects/topics in sentences in a section are a related
string of familiar characters?
For each sentence in a section, underline its first several words.
If those words are not subject/topics making a set of related
words that name your main characters, revise so they are.
Do the underlined words name concepts that readers would expect,
given the topic or previous sentence?
If not, revise.
Workshop Outline:
I. What should be in a science abstract?
II. How to write a sentence: Characters & Actions
III. Passive vs. Active voice
IV.How to write a paragraph: Cohesion & Coherence
V. How to write concisely
Concision
Principles of concision:
A.
Delete words and phrases that mean little or nothing.
B.
Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words.
C.
Delete words implied by other words.
D.
Replace a phrase with a word.
E.
Change negatives to affirmatives.
Examples:
Ai. Delete words that mean little or nothing:
Kind of
actually
Virtually
individual
particular
basically
really
generally
certain
given
various
practically
Productivity actually depends on certain factors that basically involve
psychology more than any particular technology.
Concision
Principles of concision:
A.
Delete words and phrases that mean little or nothing.
B.
Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words.
C.
Delete words implied by other words.
D.
Replace a phrase with a word.
E.
Change negatives to affirmatives.
Examples:
Ai. Delete words that mean little or nothing:
Kind of
actually
Virtually
individual
particular
basically
really
generally
certain
given
various
practically
Productivity actually depends on certain factors that basically involve
psychology more than any particular technology.
Change to:
Productivity depends on psychology more than on technology.
Aii. Delete phrases that mean little or nothing:
As a matter of fact
The course of
It is significant that
it should be pointed out
it is noteworthy that
the presence of
I might add that
the fact that
It is known that
It is interesting to note that over 90 incidents of satellite fragmentations have
produced over 36,000 kilograms of space debris.
Aii. Delete phrases that mean little or nothing:
As a matter of fact
The course of
It is significant that
it should be pointed out
it is noteworthy that
the presence of
I might add that
the fact that
It is known that
It is interesting to note that over 90 incidents of satellite fragmentations have
produced over 36,000 kilograms of space debris.
Change to:
More than 90 incidents of satellite fragmentations have produced over 36,000
kilograms of space debris.
From a single journal issue:
Studies have revealed that
Elegant experimental work provides striking evidence that
The results gathered so far indicate that
Studies have shown that
We should also remember that
It is therefore of great interest several recent reports suggest that
Current genetic findings suggest that
B. Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words:
Full and complete
True and accurate
first and foremost
each and every
any and all
basic and fundamental
C. Delete words implied by other words:
basic fundamentals
future plans
each individual final outcome
various different
large in size
round in shape
unusual in nature
in an accurate manner Of a strange type of a bright color at an early time
During that period of time, the membrane area became pink in color and shiny
in appearance.
B. Delete words that repeat the meaning of other words:
Full and complete
True and accurate
first and foremost
each and every
any and all
basic and fundamental
C. Delete words implied by other words:
basic fundamentals
future plans
each individual final outcome
various different
large in size
round in shape
unusual in nature
in an accurate manner Of a strange type of a bright color at an early time
During that period of time, the membrane area became pink in color and shiny
in appearance.
Change to:
During that period, the membrane became pink and shiny.
Imagine someone trying to learn the rules for playing the game of chess.
Learning implies someone trying; chess is a kind of game.
Change to:
Imagine learning the rules of chess.
D. Replace a phrase with a word:
At this point in time
At that point in time
Has the ability to
In light of the fact that
Concerning the matter of
In the event that
In the vicinity of
In a situation in which
It is possible that
Owing to the fact that
The question as to whether
There is no doubt but that












now
then
can
because
about
if
near
when
may
because
whether
no doubt
Despite the fact that the data were checked, errors occurred.
D. Replace a phrase with a word:
At this point in time
At that point in time
Has the ability to
In light of the fact that
Concerning the matter of
In the event that
In the vicinity of
In a situation in which
It is possible that
Owing to the fact that
The question as to whether
There is no doubt but that












now
then
can
because
about
if
near
when
may
because
whether
no doubt
Despite the fact that the data were checked, errors occurred.
Change to:
Although the data were checked, errors occurred.
This is the most difficult type of redundancy to fix because it requires a large
vocabulary:
As you carefully read what you have written to improve wording and catch
errors of spelling and punctuation, the thing to do before anything else is to
see whether you could use sequences of subjects and verbs instead of the
same ideas expressed in nouns.
carefully read what you have written…
the thing to do before anything else
use X instead of Y
nouns instead of verbs
sequences of subjects and verbs





Change to:
As you edit, first replace nominalizations with clauses
edit
first
replace
nominalizations
clauses
E. Change negatives to affirmatives:
Expressing ideas in the negative form is less efficient and direct than the
affirmative.
Except when applicants have failed to submit applications without complete
documentation, benefits will not be denied.
E. Change negatives to affirmatives:
Expressing ideas in the negative form is less efficient and direct than the
affirmative.
Except when applicants have failed to submit applications without complete
documentation, benefits will not be denied.
Change to:
You will receive benefits only if you submit all of your documents.
Not different  similar
Not the same  different
Not allow  prevent
Not notice  overlook
not many  few
not often  rarely
not stop  continue
not include  omit
Excessive Hedging and Intensifying
Some common hedges:
Usually
Often
sometimes
almost
virtually
possibly
Perhaps
apparently
in some ways
somewhat
to a certain extent
In some respects
Most
many
some
a certain number of
May
might
can
could
seem
appear suggest
indicate
There seems to be some evidence that may suggest that certain differences
between Japanese and Western rhetoric could derive from historical influences
possibly traceable to Japan’s long cultural isolation and Europe’s equally long
history of cross-cultural contacts.
Could be changed to:
This evidence proves that Japanese and Western rhetorics differ because of
Japan’s long cultural isolation and Europe’s equally long history of cross-cultural
contacts.
But might better be changed to:
This evidence suggests that aspects of Japanese and Western rhetoric differ
because of Japan’s long cultural isolation and Europe’s equally long history of
cross-cultural contacts.
Intensifying:
Avoid phrases that characterize the truth status of a statement:
Clearly, doubtless, undoubtedly, obviously
as is well-known
it should not be necessary to mention
as you are by now well aware
as should be apparent by now
as you have seen from the above
Avoid words that color the qualities of an observation and are not
supported by further explanation or definition:
magnificent, fascinating, incredible, awesome, terrible, unbelievable, unparallel,
exciting, fantastic, bizarre
Avoid efforts to convince the reader by language:
The results clearly show that
It is obvious from Figure 1 that
The data argue convincingly that
The only possible interpretation of these results is
If the results are clear, obvious, convincing, etc. the reader does not need to be
told these things. Moreover, the use of these terms undermines the significance
of results that do not include these terms.
Key Principles:
 Readers prefer that the main characters are subjects and most of the
verbs name the actions of the characters.
 Sentences are cohesive with one another when we see at the
beginning of a second sentence information that appeared toward the
end of the preceding sentence.
 Passages are coherent when we see that the topics of each sentence
in the passage constitute a relatively small set of related ideas.
 Be concise:
-Delete words and phrases that: mean little or nothing; that repeat
the meaning of other words; that are implied by other words.
-Replace a phrase with a word.
-Change negatives to affirmatives.
 Avoid hedging & intensifying; limit abbreviations