Transcript ppt

Language Review (1)
2005 Fall
Outline
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[usage]
it and that—overuse
Wordiness and repetition
[Sentence Structure—which, parallelism,
two verbs, participial phrase, conjunction.]
[THESIS STATEMENT] and [transition]
[wordiness][preposition][Sentence
Structure][quotation]
[usage]
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Today; on that day;
[transitive verb] & [intransitive verb]
mention/discuss about
More – than
So – that
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e.g. There were so many Christian teachers
and preachers in the school, who tried very
hard in preaching the word of god to the
students.
Correction:  In our school, there were many
Christian teachers and preachers, who tried
very hard to preach the words of god to the
students.
4. it and that—overuse or unclear
reference.
Danielle:
Whenever I see the color yellow, what
comes into my mind is always nothing
else but the fruit banana. It is not
because of the preference to (prep) this
sweet fruit, but because it reminds me of
one of the sweetest memories and I view
it as a milestone of my changing from the
past to the present.
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4. it and that—overuse or unclear
reference.
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Danielle:
Correction: Seeing the color yellow,
the image of banana comes right
into my mind. It is not the taste of
it, but the sweet memory hides in it
that attracts me so. The memory of
banana is a milestone of selfchange, which marks a great
transition in my life. (vague)
4. it and that—overuse or unclear
reference.--Correction
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Whenever I see the color yellow,
what comes to my mind is always
banana. I thought of the fruit not
because of my preference for it, but
because of its central position in my
memories: it marked a turning point
when I became more mature.
[misplaced modifier]
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gives a professional, calm
impression;
male-centered idea
We were able to use the class time
of almost every subjects but also
some major ones for practicing.
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Correction:  We were able to use for
practicing the class time of almost
every subjects but also some major
ones.
[wordiness]; [repetition]
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Peter:
The CF on hotpot sells the food for hotpot.
It conveys[word choice] the image of the
deliciousness of the hotpot and even uses
the feeling of family togetherness and
warmth between people to sell the food,
seducing people to buy the product, have
the hotpot so that they can enjoy the
warmth like people in the CF do, too.
[wordiness]; [repetition]
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Peter:
1. Correction: The CF on hotpot sells
the food for hotpot. It creates the
image of the hotpot being delicious,
and the warmth in which the unity of
family gives, as a strategy to seduce
costumers to buy the product.
[wordiness]; [repetition]
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Correction 2:
The Kuei-Kuan Hotpot Food
commercial film presents images of
delicious hotpot foods, warmth and
family togetherness to sell the food,
thus seducing its target customers
to buy the product and have hotpot
as the characters in the CF do.
[Sentence Structure--which]
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Helen:
Moreover, today’s show was the story
adopted from the Red Chamber which is my
favorite literary novel so I must go!
Correction 1: Moreover, the show today was
the story adapted from the Red Chamber,
which is my favorite literary novel so I must
go.
Correction 2: Moreover, the show shown on
that day was adapted from the Dream of Red
Chamber, which is my favorite, so I must go!
[Sentence Structure--parallelism]
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Judy:
Lori carried all her birthday presents and
with smile on her face, thought I could
tell there is a little tiredness in it.
Correction 2:
?
 Lori carried all her birthday presents in
her arms and a smile, though mixed with
tiredness, on her face.
 (with a different emphasis) For all her
tiredness, Lori looked all her birthday
presents in her arms and smiled at us.
[Sentence Structure--parallelism]
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2. We are young, full of energy and
having hopes.
Correction:  We are young, full of
energy and hope.
[Sentence Structure--parallelism] and;
not only . . .but also (2)
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Veronica:
In my opinion, the former ad about the
engagement cookie was much more malecentered than the other film due to not only
its dressing and setting, but also
particularly the way it presented and the
creativity of the punch-line.
[Sentence Structure--parallelism] and;
not only . . .but also (2) --Correction
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 In my opinion, the former ad
about the engagement cookie is
much more male-centered than the
latter one about cars due to not
only their different supportive
details such as dressing styles and
settings, but also, more importantly,
their stories and slogans.
[Sentence Structure--parallelism] and;
not only . . .but also (2) --Correction
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 In my opinion, the former ad
about the engagement cookie is
much more male-centered than the
latter one about cars due to not
only their different stories and
slogans, but also the supportive
details such as dressing styles and
settings. (different order)
[Sentence Structure--parallelism] and;
not only . . .but also (2) --Correction
 In my opinion, the former ad
(about [brand-name] engagement
cookie) is much more malecentered than the latter one (about
[brand-name] car) due to such
various factors as the characters’
dresses, the stories and their
settings, as well as their slogans.
(listing)
(6) [dangling modifier]
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1. Thinking of this, our eyes were
full of tears.
Correction:  Thinking of this, we
have our eyes filled with tears.
[Sentence Structure: participial &
subject]
(7) [Sentence Structure: participial]
 If observe the indoor scenes
carefully, hotpot food is the main
focus.
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Correction: Observed closely, the
indoor scenes have the hotpot
food as their main focus.
[Sentence Structure: participial &
subject]
(8) Wayne [Sentence Structure—Subject?]
 By observing the man runs in the rain, the
woman in the advertisement, are
anticipating for something at that moment.
 Correction: Both the man runs in the rain
and the woman in the advertisement are
anticipating for something at that moment
by observing.
 Correction 2: Both the man’s running in the
rain and the woman in the advertisement
seem to suggest that something is going to
happen at that moment.
(9) [Sentence Structure: two verbs]
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Only the scenes of a woman enjoys the hot
spring is quite different from other outdoor
scenes.
Correction:  Only the scene of a woman
enjoying the hot spring is quite different
from the other outdoor scenes.
[Sentence Structure--conjunction]
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(10) Clarissa
There was no denying that the first
film gave us the image of a doll
whom was sweetly loved and looked
after by a responsible and
authoritative man where we could
see the woman in the first film wore
a pure white dress— purity,
cleverness, and obedience.
[Sentence Structure--conjunction]
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(10) Clarissa
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Correction (1):There
was no denying
that the first film gave us the image
of a doll sweetly loved and looked
after by a responsible and
authoritative man; furthermore, we
could see the woman in the first film
wore a pure white dress--purity,
cleverness, and obedience.
[Sentence Structure--conjunction]
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(10) Clarissa
Correction (2):The first film gives us
the image of a doll--in a pure white
dress suggestive of purity and
femininity--who is sweetly loved and
looked after by a responsible and
authoritative man.
[Sentence Structure: would rather ?]
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(11) Maggie:
What is more, about the setting
[transition], the first film would
rather let the audience consider
[word choice] in a more malecentered way that the man gave his
commitment to his beloved woman.
[misplaced modifier: the audience
more male-centered?]
[Sentence Structure: would rather ?]
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(11) Maggie:
Correction: What is more about the
setting is the first film would rather
make the audience think in a more
male-centered way than the man
gave his commitment to his beloved
woman.(?)
[Sentence Structure: would rather ?]
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(11) Maggie:
Correction (2):  In terms of
setting, moreover, the first film lets
the audience feel that the man, who
does all the narration about his doll
in white dress, is one of
commitment.
[Sentence Structure: would rather ?]
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(11)
Correction (3):  [transition]
Besides the difference in their
images of the female protagonists
(those of a doll and a career
woman), the two films present their
men differently. (*The settings
should be analyzed together with
the women’s images.)
[sweeping generalization]
It – sentence;
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(12) Angela (comp)
It is not healthy for people who have
higher fat. This will make their blood hard
to go through their blood vessels.
Correction (1):
It is not healthy for people who have
more fat and will make their blood go
through the blood vessels hard.
[sweeping generalization]
It – sentence;
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(12)
Correction (2):
It is not healthy for people to have
too much fat in their bodies, since,
among other disadvantages, fat will
get turned into cholesterol to
accumulate in and even block their
arteries.
(13) non-standard English (or ChineseEnglish)
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Evelyne
The idea of this CF is easy to understand.
(which is? Didn’t you talk about it in the
previous sentence?) It actually can be divided
into tow parts, structure and the background
music. First of all, let’s view it from its
structure.
Correction (1):
The CF conveys an idea which is easy to
understand. It can be divided into two parts,
including the structure and the background
music. First of all, we can view it from the
sturcture
(13) non-standard English (or ChineseEnglish)
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Correction (2)
Here I will examine how this main idea
of the CF gets presented both through
its structural and musical
arrangements. First of all, let’s
examine the film’s structure.
(14) [transition & style]: use verb
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It [the car] is considered as the
perpetual companion for human
beings.
Just as the punch line is the
reinforcement of ideas in the
commercial(use verb), the main
idea is also the correspondence of
the punch line itself, which gets to
be revealed in the storyline.
(14) [transition & style]: use verb
Correction 1:  It is considered as the a
perpetual companion for human beings.
Just as the main idea gets reinforced by the
slogan of the commercial at the end, it is
revealed (embodied) in the storyline of
the film..
 Correction 2:  [. . . ]
While the slogan presents the main
idea of the commercial at the end, the
whole film embodies it with images of the
brothers’ relationships from childhood to
adulthood.
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(15)b[THESIS STATEMENT] and
[transition]
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Leslie:
The concept in this commercial, that women
should be treated equally and trusted, is a good
example of bashing[word choice] the malecentered idea. We can dissect [word choice]this
commercial from two aspects: that is, the
theme, and the elements that support the
central idea (supportive details).
In the first place, the commercial sharply
portraits the unequal trust between male and
female by using three contrasts, making fun of
the snobbish [word choice] husband and
emphasizing the wife’s ability. There’re three
contrasts here, containing the switching of roles,
the idea of housekeeping vs. driving, and the
different objects they trust.
(15)b[THESIS STATEMENT] and
[transition]
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Leslie:
Correction (1) Throughout this commercial,
the idea that women should receive equal
treatment and trust as men is strongly
delivered, and, through the analysis of this
CF’s theme and elements, it further attacks
the concept of men being all self-centered.
As shown in this CF, apparently there’s an
unequal trust between the husband and the
wife (or male and female), which is sharply
contrasted in three ways – the switch in roles,
the original roles they usually play, and finally,
the difference in values in regard to the
things they each put their trust into. All of
theses contrasts ultimately are directed in
order to illustrate the capability of the wife
and to make fun of the conceited husband.
(15)b[THESIS STATEMENT] and
[transition]
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Correction (2) The concept in this commercial,
that women should be treated equally and
trusted, critiques male-centeredness. We can
analyze this commercial both in terms of its
theme and its supportive details.
Thematically, the commercial sharply
contrasts the man and the woman in three
ways—showing how they switch gender roles,
how they perform their roles, and what they
each trust--in order to make fun of the car—
and--self-centered man and confirm the
capable and sensible woman.
[wordiness][preposition][Sentence
Structure][quotation]
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(16) Zenobia: [. . . ] It is hard for them to
control and change things, and they lack
strength in their lives.
In the first verse of the lyrics, “can't get the
stink off, he's been hanging round for days.
Comes like a comet, suckered you but not
your friends,” we might first be confused that
“he” is referred to whom. I think “he” is not
necessary [word form] a person, and maybe it
is kind of personification. I interpret “he” as
the feeling of existential anxiety, and this
feeling has been bothered [active voice] you
for a long time.
[wordiness][preposition][Sentence
Structure][quotation]
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The lyrics, right from its
first verse, expresses the sense of
helplessness: you “can't get the stink
off, he's been hanging round for
days./Comes like a comet, /suckered
you but not your friends.” Who is the
“he”? Not necessarily a person, he
may be existential anxiety personified,
a sentiment that the “you” evade
without success.
(16) Correction:
[wordiness][preposition][Sentence
Structure][quotation]
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The ‘you’ in the lyrics,
is helpless because “you” is haunted by
a “he,” who “comes like a comet” and
suckers him, and there is no way you
can “get the stink off.” Who is the “he”?
Not necessarily a person, he may be
existential anxiety personified, a
sentiment that the “you” evade without
success. (integrated quote)
(16) Correction (2):