Transcript Portfolio #1 First Draft Revisions

Portfolio #1 First Draft Revisions
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• Ms. Vanden Branden Class IDs
• Period 2 – 7051457
• Period 3 – 7051452
• Period 4 – 7051454
• Period 5 – 7051460
• Password: cupid
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Ms. Wrotten:
•Class ID: 7051438
•Password: cupid
Fix #1: Introducing Bulfinch in your Intro
• In your Introduction paragraph, you need to
introduce ‘Bulfinch’s Greek Mythology,’ as the text
you are using and where your myth is from.
• You also need to reference the fact that Thomas
Bulfinch is the author.
• This way, you do not need to cite Bulfinch again in
your paper.
Fix #1 Example
• In the myth ‘Nisus and Scylla,’ from Bulfinch’s
Greek Mythology by Thomas Bulfinch, the
character Scylla is seen as a self-absorbed girl
in love.
Fix #2 Context with quotes and MLA
citation
• Remember to give context to who is speaking
the words in your direct quotes.
• YOU DO NOT NEED TO USE pg. or p. FOR PAGE
NUMBER.
Fix #2 Example
• Scylla demonstrates selfishness in various
parts of the Greek myth. For example, she falls
in love with the rival of her family and
kingdom. She states, “I grieve that Minos is
our enemy; but I rejoice at any cause that
brings him to my sight” (93).
Fix #3 Topic sentences relating to your
main point
• Your topic sentence should refer to the
generalization about your character you have
made in your thesis statement.
• Your generalization is the main point you are
making in your essay.
• Your reasons are the
support/evidence/examples of your
generalization.
Fix #3 Examples
• Generalization: Pyramus is an insanely in love person.
• Topic sentence 1: Pyramus is insanely in love with Thisbe
because he went against his parents, for their families
forbade them to marry.
• Topic sentence 2: In addition to Pyramus defying his
parents’ rule, he demonstrates his insanity by finding an
unconventional way to communicate with Thisbe.
• Topic sentence 3: Finally, Pyramus is so insanely in love
that he is willing to take his own life when he found out
that his love had died.
Fix #4 Evidence should link back to your
main point!
• When you choose a direct quote to use in
your body paragraphs, it is because it relates
to the main point you are making.
• Don’t just summarize or explain what the
quote is saying.
• Show how the quote is proving the point you
are making about your character.
Fix #4 Example
Generalization: Pyramus is honorable in his commitment to
to Thisbe.
• “It afforded passage to the voice; and tender message used to
pass backward and forward through the gap” (27). This
demonstrates that Pyramus and Thisbe exchange words
through a small crack in a wall. This matters because they
both love each other with all their soul and heart, and found a
way to talk. This relates to Pyramus being committed to
Thisbe, because he found a crack in the wall to talk to Thisbe,
and embraced the chance to talk to her, no matter how silly
that might sound to a couple in a less dramatic situation.
Pyramus is committed enough to seize any opportunity to
speak to his true love, even if the reward was not huge. This
makes him honorable because we see that he lets no obstacle
stand in his way of his love for Thisbe.
Remember…
• An ‘Exceeding’ paper uses at least two direct quotes
per body paragraph.
• A conclusion needs a Thought –provoking statement
to drive your point home.
• Questions need question marks!