Transcript The Psychology of Love -

Day #7 of 8
Loss of Control
&
Anxiety
Roster:
Please verify your
information and put a
checkmark next to
your name.
Handouts:
Please pick up a copy
of today’s handouts.
http://www.canyons.edu/faculty/rafterm
1
2
The Psychology of Love & Loss
Day #7 of 8
Loss of Control & Anxiety
• Forgiveness
• The relationship of our sense of control and anxiety
• The relationship between mental motion & emotion
• Attention and memory
• The impact of love and grief on our ability
to process information (Daniel Schacter)
• Our memory of an event after it comes to an end
3
…but first,
one item related to
the physiological effects of
love.
4
A picture's worth:
Partner photographs reduce
experimentally induced pain.
(2009)
Fig. 1. Mean pain rating as a function of mode and source of support.
Master S L et al. Psychological Science 2009;20:1316-1318
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Squeeze Ball
Chair
FORGIVENESS
FORGIVENESS
IN
5 STEPS
FORGIVENESS
This portion of today’s information
is drawn from the following book:
Worthington, E.L. (2001).
Five Steps to Forgiveness:
The Art and Science of Forgiving.
THE FIVE STEPS – R.E.A.C.H.
1. Recall the hurt
2. Empathize
3. Altruistic gift of forgiveness
4. Commit publicly to forgive
5. Hold on to forgiveness
“Forgiveness isn’t for wimps…
In many ways, the destructive power of unforgiveness is much easier...”
THREE QUESTIONS TO
CONSIDER…
1. How serious is the hurt?
Start with a smaller annoyance to gain confidence.
2. How raw is the wound?
Don’t try to heal a wound while the blood is still wet.
3. Is the person absent from or still
present in your life?
In an ongoing relationship,
you may be hurt again. See questions #1 & #2.
1. RECALL THE HURT
 “Recall the offense and my own hurt with empathy for the
perpetrator.”
This step is different than the usual rumination about what
happened. Empathy, in addition to being the complete second
step, is included as an important part of this first step.
I need to put myself in the place and mindset of the perpetrator as I
mentally walk through the events of the offense, from A-to-Z.
Revisit the event as the perpetrator.
What happened that led up to the event?
What happened in each moment of the event?
What happened right after the event?
2. EMPATHIZE
 There are three levels at which empathy can be experienced:
1. Understanding: I simply understand the point of view of the
other person.
2. Emotional Identification: I feel with and think with the
other person.
3. Compassionate Empathy: I feel with and think with the
other person, and I want to increase the happiness and
decrease the suffering of the other person.
If I want to forgive, then I need to experience compassionate
empathy.
Revisit step #1 with this in mind.
3. ALTRUISTIC GIFT OF FORGIVENESS
Unselfish concern for the welfare of another.
This type of forgiveness is extended unconditionally. It is not
dependent on any interaction with the other person. It is not
dependent upon any behavior on part of the other person. The
other person could be dead.
For me to be forgiven, I was taught that I need to confess my
hurtful behavior, and ask for forgiveness – before I die.
For me to offer forgiveness, this requires me to be more altruistic
than the God about whom I was taught.
This forgiveness is not easy stuff, but
in the book you’ll find helpful mental exercises.
4. COMMIT PUBLICLY TO FORGIVE
I can write my forgiveness in a certificate, a letter, a
journal, a poem or song.
I can tell my forgiveness to a trusted friend or to
myself, but I must say it aloud. I must say that
I have forgiven the particular person
for a particular offense.
This is a type of behavioral contract, and it is important, because
later I might doubt my forgiveness…
1. If I see the person again
2. If I’m hurt in the same way by someone else
3. If I’m under a high level of stress
4. If I’m hurt again by the same person
5. HOLD ON TO FORGIVENESS
If I do recall the hurt and suffer the pain again, then I
may feel my forgiveness wasn’t real, but this is not so.
If holding on to forgiveness is difficult, then
one or more of these may help:
1. Realize that the pain of remembering is not unforgiveness.
To forgive does not require me to forget.
2. Don’t dwell on negative emotions.
3. Remind myself that I have forgiven the person.
4. Refer to the commitment document I created.
5. Seek reassurance from a trusted friend.
6. Think through the REACH steps, again.
From the 2001 edition
of
Forgiveness
From the 2003 edition
of
Forgiveness
Worthington, E.L. (2003).
Forgiving and Reconciling:
Bridges to Wholeness and Hope.
Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press.
The Relationship
Between
One’s Sense of Control
& Anxiety
20
The Relationship Between
One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety
26
The Relationship Between
One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety
27
The Relationship Between
One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety
28
The Relationship Between
One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety
29
The Relationship Between
One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety
30
THE AUTONOMIC NERVOUS
SYSTEM
Sympathetic
Branch
Physiological
Arousal is High
More Anxiety
Parasympathetic
Branch
Physiological
Arousal is Low
Less Anxiety
31
Laboratory research has identified
increased autonomic activity (sympathetic
activation) in anxiety disorders including:
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD),
obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and
panic disorder.
THE EFFECT OF
INITIATING CONTACT WITH ANOTHER
VS.
BEING APPROACHED BY ANOTHER.
THE EFFECT OF
INITIATING CONTACT WITH ANOTHER
INCREASES ONE’S SENSE OF CONTROL
AND PROACTIVE INTEREST
VS.
BEING APPROACHED BY ANOTHER
DECREASES ONE’S SENSE OF CONTROL
AND INCREASES REACTIVE RESPONSES.
Fig. 1. Men's and women's (a) romantic desire for their speed-dating partners, (b) romantic
chemistry with their partners, and (c) percentage of “yes” responses to their partners as a
function of which sex rotated.
Finkel E J , Eastwick P W Psychological Science
2009;20:1290-1295
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
MENTAL MOTION
(thought speed and variability)
&
EMOTION
Fig. 1. Diagram illustrating the relationship between mental motion (thought speed and
variability) and affective experience.
Pronin E , and Jacobs E Perspectives on Psychological
Science 2008;3:461-485
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
“I Love Lucy” Experiment
Pronin et al. (2008) conducted an
experiment using visual stimuli.
Participants (N = 73) viewed a clip from
the 1950s television situation comedy I
Love Lucy (Arnaz, 1951), played without
sound at either normal speed or fast speed
(i.e., eight times normal speed).
Participants narrated the clip as they
watched. Afterwards, they reported their
self-perceived thought speed and their
mood.
“I Love Lucy” Experiment
Participants who watched the clip
at fast speed perceived themselves
as thinking faster than did those
who watched the clip at normal
speed. They also reported being in a
more positive mood. Moreover, their
self-perceived thought speed was
predictive of that positive mood.
ATTENTION,
PERCEPTION,
& MEMORY
41
We are limited in our ability
to pay attention.
We perceive
that to which we attend.
42
A Selective Attention Test
You will see two teams of players. One
team wears white shirts and the other
team wears black shirts.
“Count how many times the players
wearing white pass the basketball.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo
43
The focus of my attention
forms the basis of my
perception, and I create my
reality based on my
perceptions.
44
Salient
Memories
45
How many of us have
experienced something so
profound, that when we
think about it…
“It seems like it happened
just yesterday!”
“It seems like it happened
just yesterday!”
The number of “intervening and related events”
that occur between the original event and the
current moment will affect our subjective
perception of the amount of time that has
lapsed since the original event.
1995 Feels So Close Yet So Far :
The Effect of Event Markers on Subjective Feelings of Elapsed Time
“It seems like it happened
just yesterday!”
The number of “intervening and related events”
that occur between the original event and the
current moment will affect our subjective
perception of the amount of time that has
lapsed since the original event.
A BIRTH
1ST LOVE A WEDDING
A DEATH
9/11
BOSTON - 2013
1995 Feels So Close Yet So Far :
The Effect of Event Markers on Subjective Feelings of Elapsed Time
…but still, we forget.
The Seven Sins of Memory:
How the Mind Forgets and Remembers
Daniel L. Schacter (2001)
1. Transience
2. Absent-mindedness
3. Blocking
4. Misattribution
5. Suggestibility
6. Bias
7. Persistence
The Seven Sins of Memory
1. Transience: weakening of memory over time
2. Absent-mindedness: distracted attention
3. Blocking: thwarted search for LTM memory
4. Misattribution: loss of source memory
5. Suggestibility: implanted memory (Loftus)
6. Bias: memory revised on feeling more than fact
7. Persistence: repeated recall of information
we’d prefer to forget - PTSD & Counter-factual Thinking
Mood & Memory
Context-Dependent Recall of Information
Mood & Memory
Context-Dependent Recall of Information
Mood while
Learning
HAPPY
SAD
Mood & Memory
Context-Dependent Recall of Information
Mood while
Learning
Mood
while
Recalling
HAPPY
HAPPY
SAD
SAD
Mood & Memory
Context-Dependent Recall of Information
Mood while
Learning
Mood
while
Recalling
HAPPY
Better
HAPPY
Recall
SAD
Worse
Recall
SAD
Worse
Recall
Better
Recall
The red line marks
the last moment of
the colonoscopy.
The type of ending
affects our memory of our
work, love & play.
…an activity that adds joy to life:
…a best moments review at the end of the day
“What did you enjoy today (or this week)?”
Name and count these memories.
This activity helps to end the day well.
It increases savoring.
…another activity
that adds joy to life:
“What do you joyfully look forward to
tomorrow (or next week)?”
This activity also helps to end the day well and
begin tomorrow with a happy sense of
anticipation. It increases savoring.
SAVORING
Four common indices have been identified that
- alone or in combination –
are the hallmarks of savoring a positive experience:
1. Displaying positive emotions nonverbally
2. Staying present in the moment of the event
3. Thinking about the experience
before (anticipation) and after (reflection)
4. Telling others about the experience
If I appreciate the current moment as a
significant moment, then my enjoyment in
the moment increases, and I prolong my joy
by savoring.
63
Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.
O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163165.
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.
O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163165.
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.
O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163165.
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.
O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163165.
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.
O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163165.
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.
O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163165.
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.
O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163165.
Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science
…savoring.
71
The type of ending
affects our memory of our
work, love & play.
Let us all take care
in the ways we say
goodbye.
The End.
72