Transcript Marriage_&_Intimacy_files/Lecture 13 (communication)

Communication in
Marriage
Family Cohesion:
the emotional bonding of family members
Six Qualities of Family Strength (Stinnett)
1. Appreciation for One Another
* psychologically build each other up
(e.g. touching or hugging)
2. Arrange Personal Schedules
* reserve a day for each other
“families who eat together, stay together”
Six Qualities of Family Strength (Stinnett)
3. High Degree of Communication
* making the time no matter what
4. Spiritual Orientation
* not religious, but rather part of something
greater (e.g. family as a sanctuary)
5. Deal Positively with Crisis
* Seeing the “silver lining,” i.e., we are still
together
6. Positive Communication
* Argue openly and support continually
Listening
Brodrick: The Positive Results of Listening
1. Shows Love
2. Illustrates partner’s worth
3. Discover partner’s perspective
4. Spouse develops greater clarity
5. Setting an example for later interactions
* Predicting Divorce is connected to couples
ability to listen
Conflict
Being Passive-Aggressive:
expressing anger indirectly through subtle
behaviors
e.g., nitpicking, chronic criticism, sarcasms,
nagging
These behaviors will cause unnecessary distance
and pain in the relationship
*Americans are particularly prone to this
behavior based on cultural speech
patterns
The Four Horsemen and the
Apocalypse (Gottman)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Contempt
Criticism
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Belligerence
* 90 percent of couples displaying
these behaviors got divorced
Gendered Differences in
Communication
Report Talk vs. Rapport Talk (Tannen)
1. Men: conversation aimed by relaying information
2. Women: speaking to gain or reinforce rapport or
intimacy
* Female-demand/Male-withdraw Pattern
Explanations of the Femaledemand/Male-withdraw Pattern
1. Biological (Gottman)
The biological effects of stress that men
experience occurs more rapidly and are slower
to dissipate
2. Socialization (Real)
“secret legacy of depression”Men are not
allowed to associate with anything “feminine”
like discussing his feelings in relation to his
wife’s complaints
What Wives and Husbands can do
(Gottman)
Wives: “Soothing”
Husbands: Accept the influence of your wife
Guidelines for Bond Fighting
1. Level with Each Other
2. Avoid Attacks, Use “I-Statements”
3. Avoid Mixed or Double Messages
4. Choose Time and Place Carefully
Guidelines for Bond Fighting
5. Focus Anger Only on Specific Issues
6. Ask for Specific Change, be Open to
Compromise
7. Be Willing to Change Yourself
8. Don’t Try to Win
9. Remember to End the Argument